Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Ninety percent of the stuff on this blog is enough to scare the shit out of people, but I figured I'd pack in a Halloween entry anyway. I don't remember the last time I did a Halloween entry, but blog-worthy Halloween-based stuff is pretty hard to come by. This year, I'm able to remove three items from my in-queue pile, which will allow room for three more items and ultimately invite two more items that will add to the overflow. I'm a slave to the landslide of CDs, Cassettes, 8-tracks, and various other crap that invades my home.
Two out of three of these items were in their original cellophane, until I decided to lower their value, open them, and bring them here to potentially entertain you.
Stereo Dynamics To Scare Hell Out Of Your Neighbors
In a period of transition from my last entry, here's another demo record that I don't like. They decided to give this one a scary theme, but the music is mostly boring orchestral pieces.
We have songs like "Adolf Hitler", "La Paloma" and "Flamenco Candido" that will leave shit in your underwear, mainly because you've ultimately fallen into a coma from being bored as hell listening to this thing. They figured this album was good enough to press on 180 gram vinyl. You can beat someone into a coma with the record itself.
Let's move on.
McDonalds - Scary Sound Effects
In 1995, McDonalds put out a series of these cassettes. I'm guessing they came in a happy meal. I would've been fucking mad if I got cassette full of annoying Ronald McDonald dialogue instead of a toy. There's another one of these tapes buried in my in-queue box somewhere.
This cassette is made of the cheapest possible parts available. It squeaks like a mouse caught in the springs of a bed with two fat lesbians making love on top of it.
In the spirit of keeping it creepy, here's side one of the cassette. It's really REALLY awful, and it's mostly just a plug for you to buy a full-length Ronald McDonald album. Does any child in their right mind actually have the desire to buy an entire album featuring this ass-clown? Thank God this clip is only five minutes long. On the upside, the full length album looks like it has some really terrible parodies on it. I'll buy it if I ever see it.
Side two of this cassette was stolen from some cheapo sound effects album, so I'm gonna skip it.
Listen to I Like To Scare Myself
Drew's Famous Trick or Treat
Yes! Drew has weaseled his way back onto my blog with another one of his shitty albums. If you look at the logo for "Drew's Famous", the fancy-dancy letter F looks like a letter L. "Drew's Lamous" is much more fitting.
Anyway, Drew makes it sound like he does mankind a favor by including a "free spooky sounds CD" and wishes the foolish owner 'a great party' on the back of the album. Thanks Drew, you just made my Halloween extra fucking special. After listening to both of these discs, I'm thinking that the "Spooky Sounds CD" is the one with all the crappy cover songs on it.
After removing the cellophane and trying to peel off the anti-theft sticker (HAHAHAHAHA like ANYBODY would want to steal this) I am greeted by a horrible cover of Pink's "Get The Party Started". Ironically, Pink was supposed to be playing a concert in Winnipeg this weekend, but she postponed it to January 14th due to health issues. Apparently, she downloaded this version of her song and immediately began having chest pains and puking her guts out. I genuinely hope she makes a full recovery and forgives me for posting it.
We've got a cover of Ray Parker Jr's "Ghostbusters" where the guy inserts the "I ain't afraid of no ghost" lyric off beat every single time. I have to question why the fucking Bird Dance is on here too. It's played by a bunch of drunken Ukrainians. Ukrainians aren't scary, even when they're drunk.
Then we get to The Monster Mash. The intro is taken directly from the original song - mind you it sounds like it was taken from a cassette that was run over by 40 cars, then filtered through a speaker buried under a pillow. Afterwards, the Casio drum machine kicks in, and your typical lame ass studio musicians start singing the song. It's by far the biggest fly-feeding hunk of shit on the album.
Why is The Time Warp on here? Isn't this album aimed at children? I'd comment on the quality of this rendition, but I hate Rocky's Horrible Picture Show (starring Meat Loaf whom I also hate) so I make every effort to avoid anything remotely related to it.
Listen to Monster Mash
Listen to Get The Party Started
We get a couple more irrelevant songs (Men In Black, Hands Up (Give Me Your Heart)) and we move onto the bonus disc full of sound effects. Some tracks are hilariously bad, and some are psychopathically fucked up. It's probably the best thing that Drew has ever released! Throw disc one away! It sucks!
There appears to be some Satanic backwards messages on this CD. God is going to destroy Drew with fire-breathing lightning, which might be good for all of mankind. No more shitty Drew's Famous CDs because God hates them!
Listen to "Fires of Hell" forwards
Listen to "Fires of Hell" backwards
And that's it for this very scary entry. My life has recently been altered a bit time-wise, and it looks like I may have some extra time to be blogging. I may try and get back to having one day a week (Thursday) dedicated to posting something, but don't staple me to the wall on that. In fact, don't staple me anywhere. I get enough pain from listening to Drew's Famous pieces of crap.