Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Barbie's Terrible Albums

Since I've been home sick, I've taken the opportunity to make myself feel worse and review some Barbie albums. I honestly think that leaving Barbie's personality and voice to the imagination of the child playing with the doll was in the best interest of Mattel, but what the hell do I know? I'm a boy and I don't play with dolls.

So let's see what Barbie has to offer in terms of music, shall we?


Barbie World Tour Party Mix



I'm failing to understand the purpose of this album. The only thing Barbie related about this CD is that her name is on the cover and the disc. The first thing you hear when you play it is a male voice that doesn't belong to One Direction singing a song by One Direction. I immediately thought, "Oh, is this Ken singing like he did back in the 1970s?" The answer is no. Neither Ken nor Barbie's voices appear anywhere on here (at least as far as the album credits inform me, and even those are vague).

It's just a bunch of stupid studio musicians performing awful pop songs that were popular in 2012. You get songs by Carly Rae Jespen, Kelly Clarkson, Taylor Swift, Beyonce, and a bunch of other shitty artists that nobody will remember in 20 years.

Choosing a song from here was difficult, because they're all terrible. I went with the Bruno Mars song, simply because he's a bit more respectable than everyone else who's covered on this disc. I can't really tell if this is a good version or not because I don't know this song, and I don't really care to know it. Thankfully, Bruno got better over the years.

Listen to Just The Way You Are



Barbie Hit Mix 2



I don't have Hit Mix 1, nor do I think I want to buy it. This is pretty much the same garbage as the World Tour Party Mix, except I actually know a few of these songs. If your wondering why the cover looks like a pixelated mess, it's because it's half covered in glitter, and glitter doesn't scan worth a damn. However, it makes Barbie look like she's in desperate need of dental work.

The inlay contains some "fun" stuff to do. You get instructions on how to plan your perfect pop star party.



Honestly, I think the promise of lip gloss and tons of hair accessories would make me want to stay home from this party.

In step 3, I'm instructed to visit Barbie.com and use the Fashion Fever Dream Closet. Unfortunately, it seems to have vanished. However, I ended up getting side-tracked by playing the Barbie Potty Race. I shit you not!



Your goal is to get your little sister to the toilet before she shits and pisses herself. When you are successful, this is what happens:



Yes, she lays a brown egg and allows it to swim in a golden pool of disgustingness. You can easily kill 10-15 minutes by playing the game here.

Since the music on the album is credited to NOBODY, you get to claim the fame for yourself! You are given instructions on how to choose your band name:



I ended up with "Super Rocket Party" which sounds like a bunch of naked guys fucking each other in the ass. For your sausage fest, I figured the cheap imitation Gwen Stefani song was a prime choice cut.

Listen to Hollaback Girl


Barbie Country Favorites



Yeah! Now we're talking! Barbie actually DOES SOMETHING other than having her name plastered onto an album of cheap imitations! Ken is here too! Too bad he's plays absolutely no significance in the story.

Here's what you get... Five songs, one is repeated, and a story about Barbie visiting Bar-B Ranch. Barbie is NOT the owner of the ranch. For some reason, a guy named "Cactus Clem" gave it that name. After Barbie calls him "Mr. Cactus", five minutes of the album is wasted while he laughs at how stupid Barbie is.

The plot of the story is that Barbie brings her horse Dallas (yes, Mattel made one) and they spontaneously plan on entering her in the horse show. A storm comes during the night and the horse runs away while Ken and Barbie are sleeping in separate rooms. It's clear that Ken wasn't getting any pussy while they were visiting the ranch.

The next morning, they go out searching for the horse. To their horror, they discover Dallas has been turned into glue. Everybody cries, they sing country music, and the album is over.

My favourite part of the album is when Ken says, "Oh come on Barbie, you've GOT to know SOMETHING!" Barbie's such a dumb bitch.

Two of the songs are covers of old traditional songs, one is a parody of John Denver's "Thank God I'm a Country Boy", and the other two are crappy originals.

Download The Album!

Listen to Thank God I'm a Country Girl
Listen to Betsy From Pike
Listen to Dallas, Come Home
Listen to Don't Let Go
Listen to My Darlin' Clementine

Honestly, all this Barbie music has made me feel worse. Time to go get wasted on some cough medicine.

2 comments:

Christopher Sobieniak said...

If you wanna go more ancient, here's what the early 60's provided!
http://cartoonresearch.com/index.php/barbie-sings-for-christmas/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eUFEm7aI2BU

Kent Sommer said...

I photographed a fundraising conference here recently. What a wonderful place for photos. I almost always hate being anywhere at 6am, but this breakfast event proved an exception. The manger and his staff from Seattle venues were extremely professional.