Another year, another Junq Tour! Sorry the entries have been lacking, but my new work space is still under construction. Regardless, I bought lots of albums that need to be unleashed to the world.
The first stop was Morris, Manitoba. I was able to buy a cassette drawer full of terrible things for two dollars. There were a lot of German cassettes at the thrift store, so I filtered those out since I can't understand them anyway. However, since this is part of the Christian Wheat Belt, I ended up with mostly Christian music. I honestly wouldn't have a problem with Christian music if it was performed by talented people. Unfortunately, the entire genre seems to be a magnet for those who have the talent of a retarded donkey. So let's see what an entire herd of retarded donkeys can do.
The majority of these album are on the "Silver Streams" record label. It almost seems like a good portion of their catalog was dumped at the thrift store. They should have been dumped in the trash.
Amarie - My Reflection
She sings well, it's mixed decent, and she's wrapped up in leather. What more do you want? Well, how about some good songs? Yes, we have those too! What the hell is going on? Why has a good album fallen into my hands? The world must be about to end.
There is virtually nothing for liner notes on the back of the cover, but her facebook page is listed. So I went and had a look. I'm pretty sure that this is NOT the same person.
Perhaps this other Amarie hijacked the original Amarie's Facebook account. I tried to find her on Google but nothing came up. It seems as though she completely vanished after recording this album. That's too bad because I would be more than happy to put down some money for more music by her. Yes, it's that good! The song "Think of Me" has to be one of the best songs released in the 2000s. I would love to know who the band mates are and who mixed this unusual jewel, but liner notes didn't seem to be a priority.
Perhaps she was ousted from the Christian Wheat Belt for having talent and trying to put some rock music into everyone's horse-manure-in-a-cowboy-hat lives
If Amarie ever discovers her album here, I would love to see a comment. Until then, feel free to enjoy these two stand out tracks from this fine piece of work.
Springs of Living Water - He Touched Me
This album molests your ears and you will need therapy after listening to this shit. I don't think I have yet touched on the Lord's universal sexual abuse song, so here it is, unmolested and ready to penetrate your virgin ears. Feel free to file a police report about this album afterwards.
Well, at least there's trees on the cover. Somebody's got wood.
Connie
Just because you went by only your first name, it doesn't mean you're as talented as Tiffany. First of all, you're ugly. Second, you're old. Third, your songs suck ass. You need to go back to being a 1980s housewife and make me some fucking danishes instead of recording duds.
Frederick & The Fountains of Forever - Waltzing Waters Theatre
Why do people go to Branson and never take me? It's apparently where the artists of Classical Gas Emissions go to die. Perhaps I'll head down there for fun once the plague of 2020 is done killing people. Anyway, we have a nice man at a nice piano playing nice music. I'm not sure if he's trying to be the next Floyd Cramer or Frank Mills, but he fails at both of them. Freddy's version of these songs is somewhat lackluster. You're better off getting the original artists' albums and recording over this one.
Rosie Gonzalez - More Than Conquerers
What the fuck is this? Her grad photo? She was probably 48 years old when she recorded this and decided that we shouldn't know that. This tape is nothing but a bunch of mushy, shitty 1980s gospel music.
Listen to He's Still Working On Me
Abe & Anna Teichroeb
May all our glory be shown to reverb! Also, we have trees on the cover again. Trees seem to be the theme for these Christian album covers as opposed to the usual pictures of sunset.
I think this is supposed to be the Mickey & Bunny of the Mennonite community. Abe is trying very hard to sing well, but he's pretty damn terrible. Abe and Anna decided to cleverly disguise their cover of "The Rose" by calling it "Some Say Love". Sneaky bastards. I didn't need another fucking version of "The Rose". I honestly don't understand the appeal of the damn song.
Echoes of Glory - Living For Jesus
This album consists of borderline talented people, apparently seven of them in total. However, it sounds like this album was made by two or three people which makes me wonder what the hell the other four to five of them are doing.
What I love most about Christians is their ability to make you feel like a guilt-ridden piece of shit through their music. There is no better song to demonstrate that than "If Jesus Came To Your House". If that happened to me, I'd probably phone the police or beat the piss out of him with a baseball bat for trying to scam me into buying his Book of Mormon. Apparently others would invite him in and hide all the shit that they're embarrassed about. I have no shame. Come look at my porn, Jesus.
Listen to If Jesus Came To Your House
Echoes of Glory - Road To The Cross
We have trees! Also, the dad looks just as miserable as he did on the last album. All of them were wearing dresses except for the men who forgot that they were supposed to look pretty for the photo shoot. Also, the trees aren't wearing dresses either.
For this album, they decided to leave the tuning of their guitars in the hands of the Lord. Apparently he forgot to do it. Oh well, I forgive him.
Listen to I'll Keep Holding On To Jesus
Contry Gospel Messengers - Better Place
Contains your favourite hits such as "Theree Men on the Mountain", "Better Palce", and "Here My Best Friend". These guys can sing just as good as they can spell.
All of them have a mandatory moustache except for one guy who still hasn't hit puberty yet (and is probably the singer). Also, one guy's in the band solely because his name is "Nacho".
Listen to Theree Men on the Mountain
Henry G. Penner - Gospel Music / In Loving Memory
So apparently Mr. Penner made this music shortly before he died in a car accident. I honestly think that Henry would have been better off going out on a high note, but instead his family decided to release this pile of garbage that he probably never intended on letting the public hear.
Speaking of death, the splice on the cassette fell apart and my tape deck had a good nibble on the tasty chromium dioxide that Henry's music was recorded on. This is probably my favourite version of the song since it's really short.
I have no clue what circus instrument this crap is played on. It's campy as hell. Anyway, if you enjoy Oom-pah Christian instrumentals, this one's for you.
Listen to Nearer My God To Thee
The Reimer Family - Swing Wide The Gates
Apparently, the Reimer family is made up of trees. Sadly, these trees aren't very good singers.
This is essentially one person who knows how to play a few basic chords on the guitar, and the rest of his family sing along. I mean sure, record this for your family to enjoy, but why must the rest of us need to hear this junk? All these songs sound the same. The baritone singer (dad) is a pretty crappy baritone. His voice cracks like 12 plumbers trying to fix a cracked pipe.
Listen to My Savior Daily Walks With Me
Neil Schellenberg Family
We have tree silhouettes on the cover, just to make it look mysterious even though it's just more shitty Christian songs sung by more talentless assholes. This fucking tape sounds exactly the same as the Reimer Family tape. Trees going through a wood chipper sounds better than this. They're singing in one corner of the room while the tape recorder is sitting in another corner, giving you that "we're stuck in a cabin together and are probably going to eat each other to survive" kind of sound.
Listen to You're My Best Friend
Maria Heinrichs - I Will Stand By You
One thing we can say about this one is the trees can see better than she can.
According to the inlay:
Maria has played music since she was seven years old. She has never taken lessons
... and it really shows. This is the second album I have by Maria, and it's just as bad as the first one. She can't fucking sing.
The Schroeder Family - In The Shelter Of His Arms
We will now end our "Family" series with more fucking trees. Also, The Schroeders are surprisingly worse than The Reimers and The Schellenbergs. There's so much trash on this album that I had to share the whole album with you. Six of the songs start with a whiny slide guitar and five start with running the pick down the strings. Coming up with an original way to start a song is the devil's work.
Listen to They That Wait Upon The Lord
This was a very long entry to get through, both for you and me. I promise you the others won't be as lengthy, but I can't promise they won't be as painful. Let's move on to Carman...
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