Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Junq Tour 2011: Steinbach

Steinbach is a pretty big town full of Mennonites. Understandably, the thrift store was LOADED with Christian stuff. I really didn't need to be walking out with an armful of crap that wasn't worthy of being posted, so I had to choose my items wisely. Choosing bad Christian items wisely isn't easy because pretty much everything looked terrible. Therefore, I had to choose items that were excessively terrible. Here's what I got:

Video: The Public Life of Sissy Pike

I don't know what I was expecting with this video. Her name should be "Sissy Puke" because I was doing plenty of that after I finished watching this tape. The text "Do not induce vomiting" should have been splashed on the back of the box instead of "A look into the drama of a teen girl's life!" I was hoping she would become a crack dealer or get anal fucked by the pastor or something (ANYTHING) remotely interesting. The truth is, there's no real plot and the entire video consists of petty, pointless bickering amongst teenage girls. Well, except for Miss Puke here. She's a good little pastor's daughter.

There were two boys she could have fucked in this video. The first was a boy who kept coming to the door for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Early in the video, it's made understood that he has a boner for Sissy and is going to be a major player in the drama. He only appears briefly two more times after his initial appearance which made me wonder what the goddam point was for his existence.

The second boy was this kid in her youth group. He hid his bulging penis quite well throughout this movie, and then completely dropped off the radar. There was a lot of off-screen premature ejaculation to be had while this thing was filmed, and it would have made better content than the corny piss-fest that dominated the duration of this shitty VHS tape.

I've forever lost this hour out of my life, and now YOU have to hear me bitch and whine about it because I bought this shit to entertain YOU. I work so bloody hard, screening this crap for YOUR enjoyment. Meanwhile, I'm getting older and that flat spot on my forehead is getting flatter from banging it against my coffee table, watching these retarded Christian videos. I blame Jesus for this lost time. If he didn't influence the assholes who made this video, I'd be reviewing something cool.

All The Kids: Stories for All The Family

Moving on, I can cheerfully say that this is a great record! It has three stories on it, each meant to teach children valuable life lessons. Here's the quote from the back of the record:

"All the Kids" is a family album designed for enjoyment by all the kids and their moms and dad, too. Professional performers dramatize the action, and each story draws from the problems and adventures of boys and girls in real life. This true-to-life action, together with imaginative sound effects and music, is a combination sure to keep even the liveliest youngsters close to the record player for many hours of happy listening.

Considering that the album isn't even an hour long, I'm guessing the guy who wrote that had no clue what the fuck he was talking about. The voice acting is atrocious, the dramatic 1950s music induces black & while hallucinations, and the stories are laughably retarded. The sound effect used for footsteps is identical to the noise of banging a rock on the kitchen table. Here's a brief summary of what we've got here:

1) Inasmuch
This is a story about a dead mom who's husband becomes a drunk, starves his children, and the happy ending has the children going to live with their estranged aunt while their father is left to rot in the gutter. (clip here)

2) Prayer-Planks
I have no clue what this is about because I was too busy laughing at the terrible British and Japanese accents. (clip here)

3) Teenage Dupe
Much to this emotionally tormented mother's grief, her 20 year old son gets thrown into jail for ripping off his employer. (clip here)

If your idea of fun is giving your kids nightmares, I've taken the liberty of digitizing the whole thing. Please use the comments section to tell me how this record has made them victims of their bad dreams.

Download the entire thing here!

Ashtray Lamp

This is extremely cool! I paid a whole $4 for this item. After a bit of research, I found out that it was manufactured by Beauceware sometime around 1963.

The ashtray part has two extra compartments: one for your cigarettes, and one for your beer.

And here it is, happily lighting up a room.

Now, I'm off to learn how to smoke. Hey, I gotta take it for a test drive!

1 comment:

Emily said...

"No go closer to river.."

I'm not gonna lie, I looked up Sissy Pike on Youtube.