Thursday, November 28, 2013

Christmas Albums For Your Stinky Stockings!

Christmas is coming, so you're gonna want some super Christmas-tastic music for the giant piss-ups you're going to have during the holidays. Look no further than classicalgasemissions.com for all your Christmas music needs! We have songs by drunken irishmen, child slaves, and people who are almost dead! So sit back, get drunk, and enjoy these great songs as you pass out by the fireplace waiting for the jolly red thing to come belching out of your fallopian chimney!

Happy Birthday Jesus



Remember those Happy Birthday song cassettes you could buy that are personalized with your child's name? Well, here's one with Jesus's name on it. It doesn't even have a band credit on it, so I'm assuming it was done by some underground religious organization that forces children to sing horrible Christmas songs at gun point.

After noticing the copyright year of 1935 listed on the cassette, I did a Google search on the song. Turns out it's a pretty common song, but I've never heard it in my life. The song itself (especially the ending) reminds me of the song "E.T. I Love You" which is fitting since Jesus is basically an extra-terrestrial anyway.

Nevertheless, the song is terrible and the lyrics leave me desiring to go home with E.T. to avoid mankind's desire to record such atrocious Christian music. That's why I made it available for you to hear!

Listen to "Happy Birthday Jesus"


George Westcott - A Song For Christmas



Nothing says "Merry Christmas" like a drunken Irishman who decides to record his own album. How do I know he's Irish? Well first of all, his accent. Second, he's singing about Christmas in the town of Killarney. As I recall, Killarney does NOT have their own thrift store which is a damn shame because I could have found this gem years ago. Third, look at him. He LOOKS like he's ready to barf all over that mandolin.

There are two original Christmas songs on this tape, but the only one worth mentioning is "Pork Up Your Christmas". Seriously. He wrote that. The single most noteworthy line of George's writing career is contained in the lyric, "His sack is all greasy with pickle and pork." Sounds like George had a love affair with a drunken pig.

I've written about many presumably drunk artists on Classical Gas Emissions, but this one is pretty damn obvious. Let's have a little more Christmas cheer for George! Maybe he'll pass out half way through side 2 and let me have some silence!

Listen to White Christmas
Listen to "Pork Up Your Christmas"


Musical Expressions - Christmas Country Style



This album was recorded in Brandon, Manitoba, which immediately explains why it sound like it was sung by a bunch of retired wheat farmers. This album will bring warbly-voiced joy to your home, filling it with delightful odours of mothballs and old, dried, spilled Ensure meal supplements. Everyone on this album is surely 55+ and I recommend they go back to making wall pictures out of jigsaw puzzles as opposed to recording "music".

This Christmas album would have been better if they had turned on the radio pictured on the cover photo, and recorded THAT onto a CD. They could re-name the album "The Musical Expressions listen to Christmas Classics on the Radio" and it immediately eliminates the need for them to muster up their prune-filled energy to sing, nor use their Tylenol-coated joints to play instruments. Not only that, they get the recognition they want, and get to deliver quality music to their audience!

The song I'm featuring brings out everything that is awful about the album. We have a geriatric saxophone player who's embouchure is drooping as badly as his testicles, making the saxophone sound much flatter than the rest of the synthesized music. Oh, that vibrato you hear him playing? That's not intentional, he's just having a seizure from losing precious oxygen to play the damn thing. The singers come in a little over half way, and ruin the fuck out of the rest of the song. I hope they all get coal enemas for Christmas.

Listen to When Jesus Comes


Well this was a festive entry, wasn't it? Hopefully I can get in a couple more before Christmas arrives. Until then, wash your socks!

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