Sunday, December 7, 2014

Teaching Your Kids About Alcohol and Sex

Let's face it, you suck at parenting. Your kids are brats that are going to drink and fuck their way through their teenage years, and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it.

But wait! There is a solution! Buy an album that demonstrates how to talk to your kids about alcohol and sex. This will help soothe your worried mind and teach you how to sound like an un-cool parent in the process. The audio skits will demonstrate what you will say without cussing or screaming, and how your kids will eagerly await your intelligent and level-headed answers without stomping angrily out of the room.

And then you go do it, and it transpires NOTHING like how it sounds on the recordings.

But allow us to humour you anyway...

How To Talk About Alcohol: An Audiocassette for Parents of Preteens

Dig that hip music that starts off the cassette!

"I once had some beer... I didn't like it much" said no child ever in his peer group. The conversation more likely went something like, "Yeah, I've had beer... It's pretty good!"

"Most Canadian adults drink alcohol, and most of them drink responsibly." (First Nations people were excluded from this assumption)

The whole tape sounds extremely robotic.

Kid: "Dad, have you ever been drunk?"
Dad: "The answer is yes, and I'm not proud of it. I drank too much, and I just don't do that anymore."

See how that looks in a textual context? It looks good, as if it were written by a university graduate. However, when you put voices behind the lines, it sounds like a couple of robots interacting. The fact is, university graduates lose their concept of reality by drinking themselves into a stupor after a hard day of recording terrible educational cassettes.

Anyway, I could tear apart this entire cassette, but I think you'll get more enjoyment listening to it. Or you'll be bored as hell. The next album is 100% more interesting.

Listen to Side 1
Listen to Side 2

You and Your Children: Sex Instructions for your Children

There's no greater thing than to teach your kids how to have sex with each other. At least that's what the album cover was implying when I found this. The funniest thing about a record like this is how much more explicit it is in comparison to a Rusty Warren record which comes from the same era. I honestly find this more humorous and amusing than Rusty's crappy comedy albums. For instance...

Dad: "Mommy has a little opening between her legs"
Son: "Wait until I tell Nancy!"

Daughter: "You mean... you sort of... bleed???"
Mother: "Well, not exactly dear..."

Dad: "You mind if I smoke in your room?"
Son: "Why no dad! Go ahead!"
Dad: "Thanks!"

We also learn that blasting your supply of milky goodness into a woman's cooch is a "very holy" thing. When things start getting more explicit on this record, they start inserting religious jargon to cover up how extremely graphic the whole thing is. It would be so much easier if the family just rented a projector, an x-rated film, and showed that to the kids. As long as they eat crackers and drink wine while watching smut for educational purposes, all would be forgiven.

This record was annoying to transfer, mainly because there's a locking groove on each side after the first part ends. It'll sit there and chew away at your stylus until you get off your ass and move the stylus past the dead space to hear the next part. Also, there's a whole freakin' series of these records! After listening to this one, I'm tempted to go back to the thrift store and buy more of them for their 1950s 'Leave It To Beaver' dialogue.

Part 1: How Babies Are Born
Part 2: Menstruation
Part 3: Problems of Growing Boys
Part 4: Marriage Union

Since Christmas is right around the corner and I haven't made a single Christmas entry as of yet, you'll be happy to hear that I'm doing a Christmas special on Amateur Hour on December 17th. 95.9 FM Winnipeg, 5:00 PM. I'll be bringing some ghosts of Classical Gas Emissions Christmas past, and of course some Christmas future!


Chris Sobieniak said...

The funniest thing about a record like this is how much more explicit it is in comparison to a Rusty Warren record which comes from the same era. I honestly find this more humorous and amusing than Rusty's crappy comedy albums.

Strange, and I liked those albums! At least they gave me a chuckle when I was 11. One of them even had artwork that apparently came from someone in my hometown (the one for "Sex-X-Ponent" though it is a crappy logo at best).

Tinfoil Hattie said...

"Now get those books picked up before your father gets home, or he's likely to forget you're growing up, and use the slipper on you!"

Jeebus. Beat your child with a slipper, and joke about it while you talk about Holy Menstruation! Mother-daughter bonding at its best.