Thursday, August 6, 2015

Crap Rap Albums

I haven't featured a lot of rap music on here, so it's time to blow the dust off these three albums and give them a whirl. Before you click on the little x in the corner of your browser, I should let you know that all this rap music is older than "Ice Ice Baby", so it's a bit more tolerable than the junk that came out in the mid-to-late 90s (and later). You guys are getting lots of album content here, so crank it up! Your neighbours might call the cops on you for blasting such shitty music though. At least rock n' roll ain't noise pollution (more on that later)...


Chunky A - Large and In Charge



I remember seeing this cassette in the cut-out bin for 99 cents at Woolco back in the early 90s, and something was quite odd about it. There were two different covers for this album. Why? Neither of them appeared to be controversial. I had picked up a copy many times, but always put it back in favor of something better. It just looked kinda shitty. Two years ago, I bought it for the exact same price, albeit used. I was also right to judge it by it's cover... It's pretty lousy.

This is a gray area album since it was released on MCA records. The only reason it was released on a big name label is because the rapper is Arsenio Hall wearing a fat suit. Remember Arsenio Hall? The "woof woof woof" guy? No? How about the movie "Amazon Women On The Moon"? No? Go download it. I highly recommend it. He does a small skit where he falls out a window and lands on the pavement. The entire movie is worth that scene alone. I should throw this fucking album out the window.

It's supposed to be a comedy rap album, but Arsenio should've left that for the guys who had GOOD MUSIC to go along with it, like DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince. I have no idea why Arsenio needed a fat suit to put out a comedy album. Shaquille O'Neal didn't need a fat suit, and his album "Shaq Diesel" is a goddam joke.

Arsenio does a parody of the Fine Young Cannibals song "She Drives Me Crazy" which I'm featuring here. Personally, I think the parody Weird Al did in the same year (She Drives Like Crazy) is more humorous than this lousy attempt at humour. Don't quit your day job, Arsenio. Oh wait, you don't have one, let alone a career.

Listen to Ho Is Lazy


Rap's Top 40




Wow. That's some pretty shitty artwork right there.

When you narrow your list of rap songs down to the top 40, you're gonna get a bunch of songs that nobody remembers. How about "Keep On Running" by Milli Vanilli? Do you know why nobody remembers that one? Because it was on Milli Vanilli's second album which was credited to "The Real Milli Vanilli" which eliminated the lip syncers Rob & Fab. Ever see a copy of it? No? That's because nobody bought it.

We have a pretty cool white guy on here doing "U Can't Touch This". The only reason he's cool is because he gets one of the lines wrong and deliberately inserts a bad word. Although the lyric really isn't "let me bust these fuckin' lyrics", it's certain to bring a smile to your face. He also takes a shot at the MC Hammer song "Pray" which is absolutely hilarious because he sounds like he's having way too much fun with it. Some (not all) of the lyrics are printed on the inlay in case you want to follow along... at least for some of the song.

There are other stinkers on here (including the original versions) such as "It's On You" by MC Sar & The Real McCoy. Why didn't they tackle "Another Night" which everybody knows? This song isn't even on the same album as "Another Night" (I know this because I own the damn thing - don't ask why).

We also have "C'mon And Get My Love" by D-Mob featuring "Cathy Deniss". At least they didn't tarnish Cathy Dennis's name (I have a cheap imitation version of "Touch Me All Night Long" elsewhere which accomplishes the job adequately). If they would have put D-Mob's "We Call It Acieed" on here, this album would have sold extremely well regardless of how poorly they pulled it off.

Deee-Lite's "Groove Is In The Heart" gets the full "we fucking hate Deee-Lite" treatment, although it sounds like they stole the real intro and used it. It's also not technically a rap song, so I don't know what it's doing on here.

This CD says it was copyrighted in 1987, but how can you copyright something that didn't exist at the time? All these songs are from 1989 and later, so I think 'Countdown Music' likes to make up copyrights just for fun.

Listen to U Can't Touch This
Listen to Pray
Listen to Groove Is In The Heart


Hip Hop Tribute To AC/DC



Now just look at that title. Does that sound like a good idea? Who's the fucking dipshit who came up with this plan? (Answer: Brian Bart). Who's the fucking dipshit who managed to release it? (Answer: www.tributesounds.com --- no longer in existence --- gee, I wonder why?) I love the anti-piracy warning on the back of the CD. Yeah, like I'm gonna pay attention to that. Tributesounds.com sure as hell didn't. Also, these aren't mash-ups, so the album cover is a lying bastard.

The songs all start off okay, and then the proverbial toilet flushes, gets clogged, and you quickly find your bathroom all covered in shit and streaked-up toilet paper wads. Everything about this album is wrong. Some of these guys sound like Bob Marley wannabes. Pee Wee Dread is one of the rappers on here, and probably whacks off to these recordings nightly in his playhouse since it WAS the highlight of his career.

Who originally bought this CD? That's the question that gets me every time. Are people really this stupid? It HAD to come new from SOMEWHERE, and somebody DID pay full price for it.

Prepare to cry yourself into a puddle:

Listen to You Shook Me All Night Long
Listen to For Those About To Rock (We Salute You)
Listen to Thunderstruck

If you want a copy of this piece of shit, you can get a used one off Amazon for a couple of bucks. Don't buy a new copy, because it's currently priced at $69.98. I'd love to meet the guy who pays that much PLUS SHIPPING for this turd.

And I'm done for this round! I'll bet you guys had no clue I knew so much about rap music. The reason why is because I'm just a regular gangsta trying to bust some dope blog entries down in da hood. Until next time, word to granny's panties.

2 comments:

Ray Murray said...

They clearly hate Deee-Lite. The tambourine that comes in at 0:15 sounds backwards, as do the scratches at 0:21. Makes for a seriously disorientating listen!

Anonymous said...

This pleases me