Sometimes I'll come across albums with covers that will make me ask, "Who's idea was this???" I'm bringing three of them here for you. Sometimes you can't judge an album by it's cover. In this particular case, you probably should.
A Sentimental Journey with Walter Weber
Someone slapped an old picture of Grampy on the cover. Looks like he didn't really want to have his picture taken. To be honest, side one of this record isn't too terrible. It's mostly instrumental guitar stuff which would be perfectly fine to have playing in the background while you're entertaining a bunch of old ladies who are more than eager to buy your tupperware. Occasionally, Mike Watt shows up to sing a song. Well, at least it SOUNDS like Mike Watt.
As for side two, ummmm.... well... I dunno. I can't play it. The grooves seem to be inverted for some reason. The record has a very rough texture on this side, but there's obviously something there. I suppose the only way to play it properly is to pour a bunch of glue onto it, wait for it to dry, peel it off, and then throw it on a turntable.
Listen to I Walk The Line
Listen to some inverted grooves!
Mike Labao - We The Children
There were about ten copies of this at the thrift store. As for the cover... Well it looks like someone drank a bunch of tequila, washed it down with some cans of paint, and then barfed all over the wall..
Remember what I said about people with disabilities in the past? If you need a refresher, I said "just because you have a disability, it doesn't mean you can sing." Thankfully, Mike Labao took my advice and didn't sing a single note on here. All he did was write the Michael Jackson-esque lyrics. That guitar he's holding? It's just a prop. He doesn't play a single note on here either.
The worst part about this CD is that I'm still trying to justify paying $1.25 for a picture of Mike sitting in front of barf, and a CD with a song that's almost the length of a radio commercial. As for the music, it's a crappy reggae-ish number. I'm guessing all the people who played on this album were black, or at the very least THOUGHT they were black.
The good news is ever since Mike Labao became a massively popular songwriter, he gets all the bitches. Just look at the inlay card!
Listen to We The Children
Double Exposure - Locker Room
In case you're wondering, no I did NOT pay $20 for this piece of shit. It was in a box of records that an antique shop threw away. It's apparent that Disco does not and probably never will be classified as "antique". But try as we may, we cannot seem to erase that trashy and horrible blip in pop culture that occurred between 1977 and 1979.
Here we see a bunch of dudes hanging out in a locker room, each with their obvious preference for a particular sport. Since the album came out in 1979, you could say they look like a cheap imitation of The Village People. Okay, pretty harmless, right? But when you flip the album over and look at the back...
...it's a penis fest! These guys are all sweaty from playing hard, and now they're about to get oiled up and play even harder. Look at those big smiles! They know what's going to be sliding up each others' asses once the photographer gets the fuck out of there. Seriously, who's idea was this???
The best part about the back of the album is that the song titles are listed beside these four poofs. You know this album's 100% gay with songs like "I Got The Hots (For Ya)", "(Where Have You Been) All My Life", "Can We Be In Love", and "I Wish That I Could Make Love To You". Well, maybe you could make love to him if you took off those damn jock straps!
So here's a song for all you sweaty men who love other sweaty men. Feel free to curl up by the fireplace and fuck him in the crap chute to the beat of this groovy groove.
Listen to Can We Be In Love
And that's it for this entry of penises, unplayable records, and reggae songs that make you want to barf up paint. If you've been wondering why I've been away, it's because I've begun the huge undertaking of putting something special together for the 10th anniversary of this blog. More details to come in two years!