Monday, November 30, 2015

These Christmas Albums Suck, Pa Rum-Pum-Pum Pum

I've been bitten by the techie bug for the first time in a long time, so I've been busy working on some larger projects. Of course I've been taking pictures of what I'm doing, and fully intend of posting them here. However, that's not going to happen until I'm finished at least one of the three projects that I've become engulfed in.

In the meantime, let's cover some Christmas goodies! Each of these albums are offensive on a different level, so feel free to close your eyes while reading this magical Christmas entry.

The Golden Ring - Little Drummer Boy

What better way to market your Christmas album than to use child pornography! We have a very unhappy naked little boy on the album cover, wearing nothing but a drum. Shame on the art director for traumatizing this poor kid.

Yes, this is our friends at the Arc record label again. The first thing I did after playing the title track was start investigating the seemingly problematic audio connection that was happening on the right channel of my stereo. After playing a different album from a reputable record company, I realized that the problem wasn't in my stereo, but from some defect that took place while Arc was mastering this pedopilic piece of junk (is "pedophilic" even a word?) The problem seems to be present on side one only. Perhaps someone at Arc plugged the right channel output into their asshole by mistake.

The performances on the album aren't awful, but they're not remarkable either.

Listen to Little Drummer Boy

Venus Envy - I'll Be a Homo For Christmas

I brought this tape with me last Christmas when I made an appearance on Amateur Hour with Kent Davies. It's been a while since I've done that. Perhaps in the new year, I'll pay Kent another visit with more goodies.

Anyway, this album seems to have a general gay theme throughout these re-written Christmas songs. While the songs are somewhat amusing, I feel that it was a bit underwhelming. Just think about all the fun you could have doing a Christmas album with a band called "Venus Envy". It's only about half as good as the idea. The only win was the song titles. We've got "Lesbians We Have Heard On High", "The 12 Gays of Christmas", "Rhonda the Lesbo Reindeer", and "Silent Dyke" Trust me, the songs are sadly not as amusing. One listen of this album is worth a cheap laugh (and you'll only get it on the first listen) and then it's time to record over it with the William Hung Christmas album.

I still have to give credit where credit is due: Venus Envy released this on their own record label. It's a very well packaged product and the sound quality is top notch. Next time, they should get ME to write their songs. I promise it'll live up to it's expectations!

Listen to Rhonda the Lesbo Reindeer

Switched On Santa: The Moog Synthesizer Plays The Merriest of Christmas Favourites

If Pickwick earned an award for this album, it would've been for the longest name given to a piece of shit. Look at the expression on Santa's face. He's saying "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO HERE???" These are truly stale renditions of Christmas songs done during the very short-lived height of the Moog fad. There's nothing that says "Grandma playing at a Christmas funeral" more than this tape. The mood the Moog portrays on this album is one of a very depressing, dreary Christmas.

This is another album I poisoned the airwaves with during the Amateur Hour Christmas special.

And now, I leave you and your families with a very miserable, unhappy medley of Christmas favourites. You get all of program 4 on this sad, sad Pickwick 8-track.

Listen to it!

I'm going to try and get part 2 of my 2011 Christmas Special video up on Youtube. Remember how fun and entertaining the first part was? The feedback was good enough, so part 2 is now a necessity. Stay tuned!

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