Thursday, November 17, 2016

Junq Tour: Swift Current 2016

This past Summer, I took a trip out to Cabri, Saskatchewan to visit my brother. It's not a very big town, and the only exciting thing out that way is a giant hay bail that has been painted to look like a Minion.

We took a trip into Swift Current to check out the thrift stores. The one pictured above had walls covered in CDs, cassettes, 8-tracks, and it took me about two hours to go through everything. I had a HUGE Mountain of stuff I had plucked off the shelves which I eventually needed to downsize. I spent somewhere around $35 on music. I had to remove even more while coming up with items for this entry, so I'm bringing you the absolute cream of the crap.

I'm not gonna lie... There is a LOT of country music in this entry. That's pretty much all they listen to in Saskatchewan; Country music and the sound of wheat.

Perfect Morning - Along The South Saskatchewan River

There's nothing more satisfying than relaxing to the sound of birds, plants, dirt, and tape hiss with the occasional rumblings of... ummm.... something thumping. Sounds like the guy who made this recorded over a cassette copy of "Blue Meanies from Outer Space" for the Commodore Vic-20, and his tape recorder had a bad erase head. There is seriously something wrong with this recording. I don't find it relaxing. In fact, I think this is one of the WORST nature recordings I've ever heard in my life. I've heard some extremely clean and life-like ones. This one sounds like it was recorded onto a shoe box.

A Jonker Adventure.... More like a Junker adventure!

Listen to a clip of "At 4:40 AM dawn is sweeping upward gold-green from the horizon; already we hear Canada Geese and Mallards, some still huddled on their sand bar roosts, others moving about. More distantly, Song Sparrows call to one another. A  Ruffled Grouse drums inshore within an aspen stand to attract females; several teal in a group, wings whistling loudly, jet by as they move to other water. Soon, Mouning Doves begin cooing from the aspen, and a Marbled Godwit's brief call sounds like a squeaky wheel. Snowshoe Hares chase and thump in a thicket of willow and roses; they alert a Rufus-sided Towhee who starts calling from a nearby perch. At long last we begin to hear crows approaching in the distance, and briefly a pair of porcupines "complain" to one another as they do in spring. A  pair of Great Horned Owls call back and forth as light, still dim, spreads more evenly across the sky and their roosting time is imminent"!

Yes. That's the title. Stuff like this makes me hate people.

Julia and her Piano - Who Is This

This one isn't too bad. The thunderous opening track (Don't Know Where) had me hooked. The song "Open Book" is probably the most interesting track on here. It jumps around in tempo, but enjoyable as hell. Lots of bluesy piano ballady stuff to be found here. It might go in my personal collection after a few listens.

The only bad thing about this album is credits are on the back of the CD while the track listing is on the inside of the case. But that's a minor error. The fact that I didn't shove $2 up a sexually-abused sheep's arse in this case is a bonus.

Listen to "Open Book"

Buy her music on iTunes!

Corinne Newton - Wave

There's something off about this recording. The music is almost country music, but it's not shitty enough to qualify. It sounds a bit out of sync, and the mix doesn't seem to be that great, probably because Corrine played everything herself (but then why doesn't MY album sound this out-of-sync?). She put a picture of her mom in the booklet, so I guess that makes up for it's imperfections. The website listed in the liner notes is defunct, which is odd for an album that's only 5 years old. Oh well, the picture of her mom makes everything better.

Listen to Prairie Town

Destiny - Faraway Look
Destiny - The Ride of Your Life

I was on the border with picking up these tapes. The album covers are stupid enough, and it guarantees that you're in for some bad Christian music. The musicians are decent, but the lyrics are corny as a poop after Thanksgiving.

Some of the song titles on "The Ride Of Your Life" sound like a threesome with a dirty hooker and your uncle Billy. "Come On In", "What Have I Got Myself Into?", "I've Come To Believe", "The Ride Of Your Life" and "Would He Be Welcome?" are some of the sexual adventures included here. There's lots of fun to be had in the back seat of that car on the album cover!

For your enjoyment, I've picked the song about beating your kids.

Listen to Thank you Mom and Daddy

FMI Band - Finally Made It

FMI... I think it's an acronym for "Fuck Musical Intellect", but don't quote me on that.

This is one of those bands where you can't put your finger on what's wrong with them, but there's most certainly something wrong. Maybe it's the mix, maybe it's the fact that they're not playing in sync, maybe they're not really Christians, who knows? The only upside is the sound quality of this recording is pretty good.

Every song here is about how Jesus paid the price. The price was 25 cents for this tape.

Listen to Don't You Lay It On My Friend

You sing the hits of Roseanne Cash

Before the Lord invented the CD-G and Laserdisc formats, Karaoke singers were forced to use cassettes with an enclosed lyric sheet. One side of the cassette contained instrumentals, and the other side had guide vocals (usually on one channel).

If you'd like to sing along with this recording of Johnny Cash's daughter singing a Johnny Cash song, you can get rid of Nancy Sharp's atrocious vocals by turning your balance control all the way to the left. I'm sure you'll have no problem doing a nicer job than her, since she was obviously bored out of her skull when she recorded this.

Listen to Tennessee Flat Top Box

Harry Welling & Friends - Here I Am

HOLY SHIT! HITLER HAS TAKEN OVER MUSIC! We must all bow down to Harry Welling and his moustache.

I hate his voice. He sounds like Anne Murray. The more I listen to this album, the more I hate it. It's like a progressive disease that makes me want to overthrow Hitler and bring songwriting back to an enjoyable level.

The song "Bright Colours" makes me want to throw tropical fruit at my stereo system.

The song "Stage of Dreams" just makes me hate life and wish for the life of Anne Frank so I won't listen to this garbage anymore.

Listen to Bright Colours
Listen to Stage of Dreams

Solution 5-fifty-5 - Demo

Musically, Each song starts off okay and then goes through a rusty meat grinder. Fuck these guys and their Flying V guitar. Tempo is all over the place. They are in desperate need of songwriters to set them on the correct path. Seriously, this stuff could be great if the songwriting was decent. But it's not. Bob Dylan is in the fetal position, weeping uncontrollably.

Listen to Buck 3d

Kevin Harcourt - Keeping It Country

Weird Kevin Harcourt is baaaack!!! His cassettes and CDs have travelled far and wide. I'm pretty sure I have a couple more waiting to be reviewed. I'm getting close to doing a discography for him.

Weird Kevin is tackling songs such as Lucille by Kenny Rogers, Me and Bobby McGee by Kris Kristofferson, On The Road Again by Willie Nelson, and You're My Best Friend by Queen. I'm only guessing it's the Queen song since I haven't listened to the whole tape.

As with Kevin's other releases, there's nearly nothing for album credits. My only guess is that his wife Marg helped out on this one, but she's too awesome to receive any credit.

Listen to Lucille

Candace - Struk On You

Some say lovvvve, it is a nostril, that's clogged, on a 13 year old girl. Yes, we have another cover of "The Rose" and it's one of the worst I've ever heard. We also have another under-aged rendition of "Daddy's Hands", but it's not as magnificent as the one by Jenna Crispin.

Candace Struk (HAHAHAHAHAHA, get it??? Struk On You? Funnnyy) is from a hole in the ground named Vegreville Alberta, and likes her twanky twonky country music. The quality of the recording is bright, distorted, and shrill, so they recorded it on CrO2 tape to preserve it's glass-shattering goodness. I was kind enough to flatten the audio a bit.

There's really not much else to comment on here, except that Candace could certainly use some Otrivin before she records her next album.

Listen to Grandpa
Listen to The Rose

Mr D'z Presents Tommy Vee

This album includes Route 66! Why does it fucking matter!?!? It does not! Nobody Cares!

Welcome to karaoke time at the old folks' home. Our first singer is Tommy Vee who (for some unfucking believable reason) is being promoted by Mr. D'z Diner. I had to look this shit up and guess what? HE'S ON THEIR WEBSITE!!!!

The song is supposed to play when you visit the site if you have Windows Media Player installed. Tommy Vee obviously hates Linux users such as myself.

The diner is located in Arizona. Anybody wanna fund a trip for me to go there? I need to see this shit to believe it.

Anyway, Tommy Vee ruins some of my favourites on his album called "Hits of the 50s &". At least that's what it's called on the CD. The inside of the cover calls it "HITS OF THE 50's & 60'S". Whoever produced this CD didn't seem to really give a shit about the end product, but if you'd like a copy, you can buy it from the Mr D'z website for $14.95 (NOT WORTH IT)

Listen to Love Potion #9
Listen to Teddy Bear
Listen to Can't Help Falling in Love

Sorry, you'll have to go to Arizona to hear "Route 66".

Karl Fix - Goin' Back

More like Karl Broken!

Karl Fix is taking you back to a time when it was cool to wear plaid shirts, have black and white album covers, and record terrible covers of once-great songs.

After almost a decade of maintaining this blog, I have NEVER seen anybody cover the song Lodi by Creedence Clearwater Revival. It was a really odd choice and Karl Fix destroys this song in his own unique way. The other songs are pretty typical for covers: Can't Help Falling In Love, Always On My Mind, Love Me Tender, etc etc yadda yadda.

Karl forgot to bust out the record-protect tabs on the cassette, so I can freely record some Iron Maiden onto it once I'm done reviewing it.

Listen to Lodi
Listen to House of the Rising Sun

Jack Patton

Jack Patton is the greatest man to ever grace Classical Gas Emissions. I cannot for the life of me figure out which way to display the album cover, and I cannot for the life of me understand that the hell he's singing. I damn near died of laughter while listening to this album! He must be 162 years old!

With producer Billy Strange (YES! THAT'S REALLY HIS NAME!) Jack Patton brings you a wonderfully produced album of songs filled with nonsense that almost sounds like real music! His band is fantastic, the backup singers are magnificent, the Nature Girl who appears in the inlay card for absolutely no reason is superb, and it all makes Jack sound like a professional mumbling superstar!

Listen to Ghost Riders In The Sky
Listen to Lonesome Dove Song

Central School Musical

There is no debating with me... The worst recordings I have ever heard have come from elementary schools. This album will kill you. You will fucking die if you listen to this recording all the way through.

The ingredients for napalm are one batch of children under the age of 10 singing, and one batch of children under the age of 10 playing the recorder.

I bid farewell to my readers who attempt to listen to all three recordings. I shall send flowers to your grave sites.

Listen to Happy Sun High
Listen to Rockin' Around the Hound Dog's blue Sued Shoe Bag
Listen to Song of Peace

Well that was fun, wasn't it boys and girls? I hope you've all been good this year because we've got some awesome Christmas entries coming up! There will be some great music coming for you to play at your Christmas dinners!

And in case you missed my appearance on Amateur Hour, you can listen to it here!

1 comment:

Jesse Coffey 2 said...

Mr. Patton is quite the mumbler, ain't he?