Sunday, November 13, 2016

Junq tour: Ashern 2016 (part 2)

We have finally arrived at part 2 of my trip to Ashern! The mountain of stuff I walked out with was incredible. Instead of having a long written intro, why don't I just shut the hell up and get to the content...

The Sushi Cabaret Club - Living On Mountains

Believe it or not, sometimes I'll find something I like in the pile of garbage I buy. The Sushi Cabaret Club most certainly sounds like it was made in Canada, but that doesn't mean the songs are about Hockey or dying from Cancer. If I could compare it to something else, I might choose the band Moist. Very good stuff, and I'll let you try and find the album yourself.

Listen to Innocent

Pancho & Sal - Revivir

Pancho & Sal sing in Spanish, and this CD actually sounds quite nice. I'm not much for Spanish, so the sole selling point on this album was their cover of La Bamba. It's actually very enjoyable!

Listen to La Bamba

The 50s Project

This is a tale of three old men who recorded a bunch of doo-wop covers, bought some cheap & shitty CD stock, and burned their masterpiece at 326x speed in their Goldstar CD Burner. The result is an album that's barely playable and barely extractable. It took 3 hours to extract the one song I was able to pull from the disc.

You get hits like "The Great Pretender" and "Unchained Melody", but you can't listen to them because most of the digital content has evaporated from the disc. However, I was able to bring you a fairly reliable recording of "In The Still Of The Night". After listening to this, perhaps the content needs to continue evaporating until none of these recordings are left in existence.

Listen to In The Still Of The Night

Blackthorn - Sweet Forget Me Not

God I fucking hate this music. It sounds like it's straight out of Newfoundland, but it came from British Columbia. You know that band Great Big Sea? I fucking hate them too. Nothing pisses me off more than hearing music that encourages the dancing of men dressed in pink spandex onesies and flowers in their hair.

They did take a shot at the Log Driver's Waltz, and they did an okay job at that. But the rest of this album is a bunch of fucking froo froo flamingo feces.

I've included the second song called "Lock The Door / Con Cassidy's Jig / Hardiman the Fiddler". They threw three fucking song titles on an instrumental. HOW THE HELL do you come up with three titles for a song that has no subject? Why does it need three titles? They could have just called it "Pantsless Eve" and everybody would have been happy. But they didn't, so everybody committed suicide. All that's left on this Earth is a copy of this album. When aliens find our desolate planet, they will be very disappointed.

Listen to Lock The Door / Con Cassidy's Jig / Hardiman the Fiddler

Shari & Jerry - Tallon

It's a bird! It's a plane! NO! It's a compilation of shitty songs by Shari & Jerry Tallon! At least I'm pretty sure it's a compilation. The songs aren't consistent enough to make it a project done over the course of a few months. Much of this is stuff you'd sworn you've heard on the weather channel. The forecast for today is cloudy with a chance of drizzing dick snot running down your leg.

So here's a summary of the three songs you're getting:

Neighbors - This is truly lo-fi Weather Channel Music.
Frozen Toes - Someone ate a bunch of instruments and barfed them all over the tape recorder.
Home - This sounds like a typical demo, but I think it's supposed to be the final product. It would be very pretty if the instrumentation was done better. The Guitar player needs to have his guitar taken away from him. He'd be better off with a hobby such as falling down the stairs.

Listen to Neighbors
Listen to Frozen Toes
Listen to Home

"No Rewind" To Be - Released Fall 2007

So here's a nice lady named ""No Rewind" To Be". She seems nice. She likes to wear brown. She's not a natural red head. I'd tell you more about her, but there is absolutely nothing else to go on but the cover and the song titles written on the CD.

She has a nice voice, but she ruins the fuck out of "Let It Be" by The Beatles. Why do so many people feel the need to butcher this song? It's almost as popular as "The Rose" and "Bridge Over Troubled Water". If Paul McCartney were alive today, he would cut her leg off.

Listen to "Let It Be"

Todd Butler Band - Sole Doubt at the Rose

You know those guys who try so hard to be funny that they aren't funny at all? No, I'm not talking about me, I'm talking about the Todd Butler Band. I really can't find any humour in these songs. For everyone listening to this outside of Canada, no, we're not this un-funny.

When you're 40 and singing about wanting somebody else's parents, you should've stopped living at 25.

When you're so desperate for a good tune and you steal one from Del Shannon, you need to get sued by Del's family.

Sorry Todd, your ideas for songs suck ass. My girlfriend hates you too.

Listen to Your Parents
Listen to Canadian Spy (aka a bad rip-off of "Runaway")

Now, let's do some bonus stuff!!!

Board game: Happy Days: Fonzie's Real Cool Game

There was no way in hell I could pass up this board game. How cheesy! The box looked like someone sat on it. I guess he wasn't very cool.

After looking over the rules and the game itself, it actually appears to be kinda fun! The juke box is used to measure your "coolness" which goes up and down during the game. The middle of the board is used for drag racing, and you get a minimal amount of cash to play with. The Fonzie Favorites 8-track is NOT included, but you can read my review on it here if you wish.

Here's the lovely jukebox featuring Fonzie, Ritchie, and some other guy. Forgive me, I could've cared less for the TV show when I was a kid which is strange, considering how much I loved the Fonzie Favorites 8-track.

The word "cool" appears approximately 391 times in the instruction booklet and about 53 times on the board itself.

The artist who drew Henry Winkler made him look about 50 years old with all those age lines. I guess 50 year old men are coooooool.

Here's some of the 'Cruisin' cards. Apparently, wearing colored socks isn't cool. The Fonz has no sense of adventure.

Here is pretty much everything that consists of the "Somethin' To Do" cards. How the hell can you get by with spending $3 while on a date. You can't even get a fucking Happy Meal for $3!

Here's a picture of me and my kid pretending to have fun playing this board game. Perhaps one day we'll play it for real.

Video: How To Shoot Home Video, The Basics

Finally, Classical Gas Emissions is happy to give you a detailed video on how to use your new digital camcorder!

Look at this guy. He's getting all the babes with that beautiful, compact, high definition camcorder. You can get laid like him too right after you watch this super cheesy video on how to make yourself the ultimate stud muffin with your sexy shorts that demonstrate your lack of manhood!

And that's it for my trip to Ashern. I have another extremely long entry on the way very shortly. This past summer, I took a trip out to Saskatchewan to visit my brother and dropped about $35 at the thrift store there.

Also, I'm still appearing on Amateur Hour with Kent Davies this coming Wednesday. Don't forget to tune in to 95.9 FM at 5:00 on November 16th! For those who can't tune in, you should have someone in Winnipeg phone you, and then put their phone by the radio for an hour while you listen to some of the worst music imaginable. It'll be totally worth their long distance charges!

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