Sunday, November 3, 2019

Junq Tour 2019: Brandon (Value Village)

Our last stop in Brandon is the Value Village. I don't think there's ever been a time that I've walked out of here empty handed.

Gayleen Froese - Obituary

We gather here today to lay Gayleen's album to rest in the trash because it was too fucking boring to bother posting any songs. May this album rest in pieces and we hope that future generations do not find it and assume that the music of our day was this boring.

Lola - Full Circle

I would have been in my glory if the CD was actually square shaped. Instead, she put a picture of her fucking cats on it.

It mostly consists of boring country music covers, but we get a really terrible country version of an Elvis song to annoy us. Speaking of which, I'm very much overdue for another Elvis entry. The pile of tribute albums has been growing.

Listen to Fool Such As I

Makin' Music with The Treble Teens

Well, they're not bad singers, but their high voices are like nails across a chalk board. If you like it when people screech your favourite songs from the 1970s, you'll love this album. We get a medley with some of the worst songs from the decade such as Tie a Yellow Ribbon, Send In The Clowns, Love Will Keep Us Together, and a couple others nobody cares to remember. Also, if you like your Neil Diamond songs on the Jazzy side, you'll get jizzy over this one.

Listen to 70's Medley
Listen to Song Sung Blue

Ringling 5 - It Ain't Music

There are so many other bands that should have used this album title, and I have to say that the Ringling 5 isn't one of them. These guys have written some fun novelty songs about country living. You get songs such as "Jurassic Ark", "Ranch Aerobics", "Don't Screw with Montana", "Sheep Shearers' Lament", and "Hoop-De Poop-De Polka". Their title track should be this blog's theme song.

Listen to Hoop-De Poop-De Polka
Listen to It Ain't Music

The Countdown Singers - Goodbye England's Rose: Candle In The Wind 1997

I'm surprised there isn't more knock offs of this, considering it's the second best selling single of all time (Bing Crosby's White Christmas is #1, and I always see copies of it in piles of 78 rpm records). I have to say that this is probably the worst piece of shit I've found on the entire Junq Tour thus far. All the songs on here are fucking terrible, and I'm talking about them in their original form. After you take a bunch of shitty songs and let some stupid-arsed studio musicians cover it, you have a flat brown turd to stuff in your CD player. You will never get the stink out of your machine after you've played this.

Check out this note on the back of the album:

"All Royalties for the use of the recording "Goodbye England's Rose / Candle In The Wind 1997" will be donated directly by the producers and Madacy Entertainment Group to funds established in memory of Princess Diana"

I call bullshit on that. What royalties? These aren't the original recordings, so I'm assuming if they're paying for any royalties, it would be to the original musicians. Given that there's 12 shitty covers on here, they would have to divide the royalties 12 different ways. I also doubt that Madacy pays royalties to the original artists, let alone to any Princess Diana fund. Let's get real here, they stuffed the proceeds into their empty pockets because people generally don't buy shitty albums like this.

Let's go through some of the songs:

Goodbye England's Rose (Candle In The Wind 1997): The guy who's pretending to be Elton John sounds like he's 97 years old here. I'll bet whoever bought this CD was pissed when they heard this version.

Memory: This is apparently from the musical "Cats". Yuck. I generally don't like musicals.

Tears In Heaven: Voted Eric Clapton's worst song ever, and I'd have to agree. Yes, I know why he wrote it, and it wasn't for Princess Diana. Madacy should be ashamed of themselves, so should Eric Clapton, and so should whoever the hack is singing this.

I'll Be Missing You: This is the Puffy Combs Cereal version where he rips off "Every Breath You Take". I hated this song when it came out, and now we have some pretend wannabe "gangsta" trying to rap as good as Puff Daddy, although I'd beg to differ on Sean Puffy being a good rapper. He's also a stupidhead for changing his name hundreds of times.

Imagine: We can't avoid a good excuse to bastardize John Lennon. It doesn't even sound remotely like him. The performance on here is awful. How can you fuck this one up? Well, Madacy found a way like they always do.

Why: Even Annie Lennox can't even escape Madacy's mission to ruin songs.

I Will Always Love You: DEAR GOD NO!!!!! IT'S FUCKING ATROCIOUS!!!! I can't even articulate how bloody horrid this is. It makes me want to beat my head in with a sledge hammer which would be less painful than hearing this bitch trying to pull off Whitney Houston's most annoying performance of all time.

Missing You: We already have a song called "Missing You" on this goddam CD. I don't know who originally did this song, but it's probably awful and this version is even worse.

You Are So Beautiful: Whoever's singing this Joe Cocker song sounds as horrific as what Princess Diana looked like after the accident. I make the same sounds when I'm in the bathroom having a really tough bunny pellet shit. He sounds like he's on his death bed which would probably be a good thing.

The Rose: Can we please not? At least the singer has been replaced with a saxophone. Hopefully the singer was murdered with the saxophone.

Listen to Candle In The Wind
Listen to I'll Be Missing You
Listen to You Are So Beautiful
or just download the entire awful mess

After that last album, I don't know if I can go on with the Junq Tour. But we must try and make our way to Austin.

No comments: