Sunday, November 17, 2019

Junq Tour 2019: Portage La Prairie

We've reached the final destination of the Junq Tour. This may be the first year that I successfully posted everything before the new year. Hooray for progress and injuries! Let's get to the junk...


CP Hotels - The Great Sounds of Canadian Pacific Hotels in Mexico



Apparently, there was a time when Canadian Pacific Railways owned some resort hotels. This sound sheet specifically focuses on the El Mirador Plaza and Club Aumal Caribe which have since been sold or transferred to another operator. I've included the audio solely for historical significance, as it's not the most interesting thing to listen to.

Listen to CP Hotels


Neil Harris Singers - The Spirit of '70



Released by the Government of the province of Manitoba! Remember when our tax dollars went to stupid things like official theme songs? Well, here's some corn-filled turds about the province of Manitoba. Apparently you can feel the beat of Manitoba, although it's probably just the sound of someone breaking into someone else's car.

The days when we had stupid theme songs are gone, but it's not hard to long for the time when things were cheaper, life was simpler, and obviously there were people who were very proud of the land they live on. The idea of corporate theme songs died by around 1980. They're kinda fun to listen to because nobody in their right mind would make awful-sounding trash like this today.

This record has that strange groove pattern on side B. The grooves are blank, and they push the stylus back to the beginning of the record, eventually kicking it off the record and destroying your stylus by having it scrape against the rubber platter cover. I've covered another record with the exact same groove pattern on side B except it was a 12 inch record.

Listen to The Spirit of 70


Allan di Dio - Through The Built-In Mic



Immediately upon looking at the title, I'm expecting an album that was recorded on a shoebox tape recorder. Fortunately, the quality is a little bit better than that. Only a little.

The insert has instructions on how to listen to this album:

This CD is best played through a personal CD Player with headphones or thorugh any stereo system

I'm glad he cleared that up. I was planning on folding the disc in half and shoving it into my 8-track player.

Equalization should be set for "acoustic" if able or set for slight increase in bias on both the low and high end of the spectrum.

Usually when you record an album with half-decent software, you're able to tweak those knobs yourself so you don't have to rely on the stupid listener to do it for you.

The track listing on the back includes the size of the songs in megabytes. Why? I don't care what the size of the song is if I'm not going to extract any of these into wave files. He also made it very clear that these songs are for his kid, so why am I being subjected to this stuff?

Listen to Deep Blue Dress


Barbara McAffee - Yes



No!

This album is just as bad as her teeth.

Listen to Bridge Over Troubled Water


Mr. Ken - Sing, Play, Live



Oh my God, look at all the fucking colors! The CDDB identifies this album as Beck's Hell Yes EP. I really wish it was. The back of the CD shows a picture of Mr. Ken shitting out his songs for the album.



The best thing about this album is he credits the kids (at least their first names) for contributing their vocals to the album. I'm sure each of them received a gummy bear for their efforts. It's a shame that kids generally know nothing about royalties and lawyers.

Listen to I Like Superman


Mary Ellen - M.E. To You



You see that album title? Get it? Haha. Groan.

Mary Ellen decided to use her obituary picture for the album cover. She also decided to use a drunken German oom-pah band for her backup musicians. The music is pretty terrible and the poor drummer (either human or Casio) was recorded while playing in the next room.

If I didn't know better, I'd say this was Engelbert Humperdinck's wife.

Listen to Release Me


Musegendary - Reason to Hate



This one was sealed and it should have stayed sealed. I understand the appeal of rap music. I really do. However, these songs have the fucking stupidest lyrics I've heard in a long time.

Here's some of the brilliant lyrics:

Bring your girl but keep her guarded
Cause when I get drunk I get retarded

This is my cheese baby you can't have it
I know you really want it but you can't have it

You see a pretty lady that's really curvy
Thick like gravy, that's my lady

But we all know the haturz guna hate. Feel free to count the reasons to hate this shitty music...

Listen to B-Day Bash
Listen to My Lady


Fuentes - Bird-snake



Someone got a Yamaha keyboard for Christmas in 1986 and immediately realized they were a musician. I can't even call this crap music. its just a bunch of shitty noises mixed together. Fuentes calls themselves a "soundtrack performance group", but I can't imagine anybody using this shit for the background to anything. I could record a bunch of my farts, mix them together, and it would be more enjoyable than this.

I have no clue what's on the cover, but somebody must have been vomiting blood that day.

Listen to Conquistadores


Holly



Who needs an album title or a last name? Not Holly!

It looks like someone dropped this CD in the toilet and forgot to flush. The inserts are all wrinkled and the pages are stuck together. What they were doing with it in the bathroom is anybody's guess. There's what appears to be some interesting liner notes inside the booklet, but the bathroom incident made them unreadable.

Holly is a country singer who wears lightning bolts for earrings to match her electrifyingly bad country music covers. We have all the famous country songs on here like Patsy Cline's "Crazy", Patsy Cline's "Walking After Midnight", The Judds "Grandpa" (HOORAY!!!), and Led Zeppelin's "Rock and Roll".

Listen to Rock and Roll
Listen to Grandpa


And that's a wrap for the Junq Tour of 2019. In the last three years that I've been doing these trips, I think I can safely say that this year rendered the largest amount of crap thus far. However, we shall see what 2020 brings.

Coming up.... Ruining your Christmas!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Had to share the McAffee with John McAffee, hoping he drops you a line.