Christmas with Dad

So here's a little update with what's been going on. I have a few things to wrap up with all the problems that have been happening in my personal life (and I had another major new one pop up) but regular blog postings are going to be returning to your lives! Unfortunately, there's no money for Christmas this year, so I've been trying to figure out how to put peace, love, health, goodwill, and Christmas Cheer under the tree, let alone figure out how to wrap the fucking things.

Regardless, I'm back to posting and your perfect lives are once again going to be tarnished with horrible singers, bad music, and dreadful youtube videos that nobody should be watching.

But for this post, I'm bringing you an absolutely adorable recording.



I can't remember where I found this tape, but if I ever find out who threw it away, I'm going to personally kick their ass because this recording should have been cherished. It's a recording of a father singing Christmas carols with his two kids. It's a nice break from the garbage I usually post.

Listen here

The Christmas Boogie

Merry Christmas! Okay, so it's not Christmas yet, but I haven't written a proper blog entry in a while. So to make up for my absence, here's some stocking stuffers that you should really be stuffing somewhere else. They're all really terrible, and they're really long. If you want to ruin the festive season at your house, buy these albums.

Noogies - The Chipmunk Song


If there's something I've learned over the last few years of blogging, it's that ANYTHING can be turned into a disco song. The problem with this reality is NOTHING should be turned into a disco song.

The Chipmunks were pretty much all about Rock n' Roll ever since they put out their Beatles tribute album (which I own, along with many other albums by The Chipmunks.) However, they were most remembered for their Christmas song. In the late 1970s, a bunch of assholes known as The Noogies decided that this song needed to be discofied, and extended for over seven fucking minutes. It's dreadful and stupid.

Listen to The Chipmunk Song


Disco Christmas Party


The fine print on this 8-track says "Previously released under "Canadian Christmas" which explains why there are two labels on this 8-track, with the current one being plastered over an old one. Why? They probably discovered another shitty album called "Canadian Christmas" which most likely includes Anne Murray singing that stupid Snowbird song on it.

Christmas Disco Party is another terrible piece of trash that capitalized on the disco craze which took place from 1977 all the way until 1979. I was born in the middle of this shit which is why I own (and enjoy) a copy of Chic's Risque album. It was purchased brand new out of an 8-track cut-out bin (I chose it, dad paid for it) and I still own it to this day. While I'm completely off track with my ramblings, why don't I tell you about how much I love my satellite dish. I really love it. There's so much shitty programming to be had, and it comes from all over the world for free! I'm in television heaven. Over 200 channels with bottom-of-the-barrel garbage on them.

Speaking of bottom-of-the-barrel garbage, this disco 8-track barely has any information about the artists listed on it. All we know is they're Canadian. Maybe that's all we NEED to know. The music speaks for itself.

I've brought you the discofied version of White Christmas. What is it with people singing the lyrics off beat? Why? It doesn't make the song better, it just makes you sound like you're retarded and you missed your cue. Bing Crosby is doing the boogie in his grave. Dig that swingin' disco sound! Far out, man. Once again, it's too fucking long.

Listen to White Christmas


Dobby Dobson - Sweet Christmas


Now, we move from disco to reggae. Honestly, I have trouble telling the difference between the two genres because these three shitty albums came out in the same narrow time frame. This album should be called "Shit Christmas".

Look at the cover. Why are there apples on a pine tree? What kind of decoration is that? The lady in the picture isn't even looking at Dobby. She's too busy trying to not be embarrassed by the poorly decorated tree. "Here honey, take this gift and forget about the tree. It's a collection of my shitty reggae music on 8-track. You'll love it!"

About the album... Well, it's just as bad as the others. Again, it seems to be the cool trend to sing out of time with the music. Dobby does it for the entire song which is again way too fucking long. A Christmas song is best left short, like a painful little fart which one can recover from in a couple of minutes. Instead of farting, all three of these musicians who contributed to this blog entry has shit their pants, let it run down their leg, and has allowed it to leave a trail all over the dance floor. And you the listeners get to step in it, slip in it, fall, and let the stench of shitty Christmas music surround your life for, what, twenty minutes?

While we're making the habit of wandering off topic, last night my girlfriend was shopping for a new winter jacket. I was in charge of protecting her old jacket while she tried some new ones on. They were playing Michael Bubble's crappy Christmas album. I had nothing better to do, so I held one arm of my girlfriend's jacket, and waltzed around the store to the shittiest Christmas music of the new millenium. Well, at least I had fun.

So to wrap up the music and this poorly written blog entry, here's Dobby Dobson and Ringo (not Starr) singing off beat for six whole minutes.

Listen to Mary's Boy Child

And that's it! I actually had another Christmas disco album, but it's in French and not quite as interesting as these others. And now, I need to get back to dealing with the trash that's been polluting my life over the past couple months. See you on the other side of the dump!

Bad Asian Beatles Cover

I'm briefly popping in to bring you a nice video. Well, maybe not nice. More like atrocious.

I really hope to be back at blogging soon. I'm missing it and I have a couple more Junq Tour entries to make. My situation hasn't changed, but my time isn't being as highly consumed as it was over the last month. I may know where things stand come mid-December. Unfortunately, there isn't any money for Christmas this year. Oh well, perhaps some of my leftover and highly-collectible blog items will make great gifts for friends and family. I'm sure someone would love one of the many Arnie cassettes I own, and maybe my 6-year-old can find a use for one of my "Fantastic F" 8-track tapes.

Anyway, allow me to shut up and present you with what The Beatles would have sounded like had they come from Vietnam.



Now I must go back to dealing with life...

Junq Tour 2012: Boissevain and Portage La Prarie

I've decided to start combining Junq Tours that don't have high yield. Before, I would just relegate the one or two items into the regular queue box, but that box is already full of junk I haven't had time to go through. This time around, we've got the little town of Boissevain and the big town of Portage La Prarie.


 - Boissevain, Manitoba -




Jerry Foster - Bars & Bedrooms

I picked this one up because Jerry looks like he's 80 years old on the cover, and we know from previous entries that old men sound like an 8-track player with a bad motor playing a tape that's packed tighter than a virgin kitten's asshole. That's exactly how he Jerry sounds too!

These are crappy country songs. The tracks sound like they were recorded in different periods over the last 50 years, and were mixed together by someone who had little clue how to make it sound even. But when you've never recorded anything in your life, you don't care how uneven it sounds because it's better than any of the recordings you made on your shoebox tape recorder.

I don't know who's singing with Jerry, but she's not any fucking pleasure to listen to either. They sound like a bad imitation of Johnny Cash and June Carter. Here's a song which contains the lyric "You can't change the spots on a leper." The overall mood of the song makes me want to drink home brew, eat beans, and kill myself.

Listen to Spots


 - Portage La Prarie, Manitoba - 




Song Hits SH-24-B

I know that there's more in this series of 45s because I left one behind for being so scratched that it looked unplayable. When I bought this, I honestly didn't know if I was getting originals or cheap imitations. The lack of a big name record label is usually a dead giveaway, but sometimes a bootlegger will surprise you.

These are shitty. Very shitty. "Memphis" would have been unrecognizable if it weren't for the opening riff, "Surf City" was likely sung by people in wheelchairs who have never surfed in their life, and "So Much In Love" has so much soul, it causes the singer to sounds like Lou Reed. It was the perfect one to feature here.

Listen to "So Much In Love"


Super Rock Hits - A Tribute To Various Artists Vol. 5

This is another offering from Sound Alike Music. From what I can tell, it's basically a compilation of the garbage they've previously offered on other tapes . The Alice Cooper tracks are the exact same ones as the tribute album they put out.

I love the fact that the "Vol.5" listed on the cover isn't actually part of the artwork, but is a sticker plastered onto it. I'm guessing the artwork for Volumes 1 through 4 are exactly the same with the appropriate stickers slapped on top. Gotta cut costs somewhere when you're making crappy tribute 8-tracks!

The one I picked off this masterpiece is the Lou Reed song. I'm trying to figure out if the guy is actually singing better than Lou Reed, or if he's struggling to sounds as bad as him. The track is hilarious either way! Just like all the other SAM 8-tracks, I had difficulty getting this one to play reliably.

Listen to Walk On The Wild Side


Book: Little Red Riding Hood

Straight out of 1979! Why is it that most books with still images of dolls acting out stories are so fucking creepy? Red Riding Hood is the most normal looking doll in the book, but check out this picture of the wolf dressed up as grandma:

Talk about birth defects! The wolf's mother was a meth addict. Now here's a picture of Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the Woodsman:

The Woodsman's looks as if he's ready to kill Grandma. Look at his eyes. Why are they blue? Who the hell has eyes like that? Also, dig the picture of the shrooms on the wall. Far out, man! Perhaps that explains everything.

I've got lots more coming from the Junq Tour. I hit up two major thrift stores last week and came out with tons of crap, so there's plenty more on the way.

Junq Tour 2012: Carman

Yes! I'm back on tour to collect thrift store garbage from all over Manitoba. The Southern part of the province is covered mainly by the Christian Wheat Belt, so the thrift stores are naturally packed to the tits with Christian albums, Christian videos, Christian books, and Hutterites. I'm really trying to remember to take pictures of the thrift stores I visit, and I actually remembered this time.

So, fire up those horses and plows and we'll take a trip through Southern Manitoba's thrilling thrift store goodies...


George Staerkel - The Signature Collection

Hooray for photoshop! You know, George could do anything he wanted in photoshop for his greatest hits CD. My suggestion would have been to put some hair on him, but instead he left it bald, and the glare makes it a very obvious photoshop disaster. He could have trimmed his head down too which might have helped make it less photochopped.

Now then, onto the CD. I cannot deny that George is very talented. The guy can sing very well, and he can also play a nice array of instruments such as the trumpet, the saxophone, the piano, and a few others that I don't feel like mentioning. Although George can span a few octaves with his voice, he seems to prefer squeezing his balls and singing songs of a falsetto nature. Included are the songs "The Lion Sleeps Tonight", "Cara Mia", "Stay", and he also yodels through a few. He pulls it off very well, considering the pain he puts up with his balls squished in what is likely the hand of his wife Barbara.

The downside to this CD is the production. There's way too much reverb on everything, and the entire recording is run through a compressor, making it sound like compressed echoey crap.

All production values aside, it's very difficult to pick a song when there's so much talent to be found. But not all was lost... The song "The Lonely Bull" has George doing some very lovely trumpet work in it. Unfortunately, the trumpet is the only real instrument in the song. Everything else is synthesized. BADLY. The star of the show is the mandolin which, instead of sounding like a mandolin, sounds a lot like the "Mario got squished by an elevator" sound from the Colecovision version of Donkey Kong.

Listen to The Lonely Bull


The Humorous Gospel Songs of Bob Larson

I had a bitch of a time getting this record to play on my turntable. A little known fact: Atheist turntables have a much larger spindle in order to avoid playing garbage like this. I had to hammer this stubborn whore into submission because it was so tight.

The subtitle for this album is "Compatible Stereo". What the hell is compatible stereo? What would incompatible stereo sound like? Mono? Silence? Help me out here...

All the songs on this album sound pretty much the same with the exception of the lyrics. Bob Larson isn't much of a singer, so instead he does some kind of half-assed rapping. Mind you, this album came out before rap music was invented, so I guess Bobby is a pioneer when it comes to rap music. As for the songs being humorous, well, they're not. Well, maybe except for the song "Grumbling Christians". Lyrically, it's absolutely miserable but musically, it's happy as fuck. It's like listening to a 1950's version of The Police.

Listen to Grumbling Christians


The Bibleman Adventure

This video looked too terrible to pass up, and it certainly was. I honestly couldn't be bothered to watch it past the exciting theme song because it was so head-bangingly retarded. The intro itself gave me enough excitement to fulfill 7 years worth of Sunday sermons.

By the way, I played the title screen in slow motion to see what all the moving computer text was. It appears to be some sort of video routine taking place in an OSX terminal. At least we know Jesus approves of Apple products.

Check out this totally fucking epic action scene where Bibleman stops a group of bible thieves by ... uhhh... waving his arms at them?


We need more superheroes based on old books. My two suggestions are "Moby Dick Man" and "Playful Pussy Woman"

There's plenty more Junq Tour entries on the way! Unfortunately, it's because we're short-staffed at work and I have to fill in with extra trips. Might as well make the best of them!