Fun with Postage Paid Junk Mail Pt. II

Yes! I have another batch of postage paid junk mail to send out. There's lots this round, and it's been collecting for a bit since I've been busy. I also got a gift from my significant other's grandmother - a one year subscription to Reader's Digest. We haven't read any of them yet, but they come with lots of postage paid junk mail! Thus, some of these are duplicates from the last round, but I put new messages on them. I bet the mailman busts a gut when he sees these!

I've also done a bit of research on postage paid junk mail in Canada. You can read the Business Reply Mail Customer Guide here. I'll quote the parts that are relevant:

Business Reply Mail Customers are responsible for payment of each returned Business Reply Mail item even if the Business Reply Mail item is blank, incomplete or empty.

In addition, items that fail to meet the applicable specifications and requirements for Machineable and Other Business Reply Mail will be subject to surcharges.

So there you have it. If your envelope (or package) buggers up the machine, or if it no longer falls under the "envelope" category, the company will be charged extra to have the item mailed. However, there is something else of interest:

Any Domestic Business Reply Mail item weighing more than 500 g will not qualify for Business Reply Mail service.

This leaves me with a question. If the item weighs more than 500g, will the item still be mailed, but the customer be charged with delivery of a parcel, or will it be thrown in the trash? I may have to make a call to Canada Post to get the answer to those questions.

Anyway, here's the latest, greatest in postcards. I also wrote three letters and enclosed them in envelopes (which will follow the postcards)

    

   

    


Sent to: Amex Bank of Canada

Dear Newspaper,

I lost my dog. He answers to the name "Yellow". He is a black and white cross between a German Shephard, Golden Retriever, and my Ex-Wife. He is always biting me and shitting all over the yard, but I love him. He also only has three legs. He lost one of them when I tried to run over him with the lawnmower after he chewed up my 'Suck-off Stacy' blow-up doll.

He seems to have an addiction to peeing on the stove. I tried to break him out of the habit by peeing on him while he was peeing on the stove. Unfortunately, all it did was make the kitchen stinky, and I had to give him a bath after.

Anyway, if you could run an ad in your lost and found section, I would be happy. If you need a picture of Yellow, please get one from my blog:

http://classicalgasemissions.blogspot.com

Thanks.




Sent to: Verisign Inc.

Note: I originally wrote the poem back in 1995.

Dear International Publishers of Youth,

I'm submitting the following poem for the contest you're running in Highlights magazine:



Rover

Rover was a good dog,
Comes when his master calls.
Rover was a horny dog,
Till the vet cut off his balls.

Rover was a bad dog,
He didn't know how to sit.
Rover was a nasty dog,
In the neighbor's yard he'd shit.

Rover was a happy dog,
He'd chase the stray cat.
Rover was a hungry dog,
He chewed up my brand new hat.

Rover was a thirsty dog,
Drank from the toilet bowl.
Rover was a dirty dog,
In the mud he liked to roll.

Rover was a lazy dog,
On my bed he liked to be.
Rover was a normal dog,
On my car he liked to pee.

Rover was a care-free dog,
He liked to play on the street.
Rover is no longer a dog,
Now he's just ground meat.


If you'd like to read more of my poetry, you can check out my blog at http://classicalgasemissions.blogspot.com




Sent to: Grandma's Kitchen

Note: I should've proofread this letter. Only after I sealed it up did I notice all the mistakes. I suppose it adds to the child-like effect of the letter though. On a redeeming note, I enclosed a Teddy Graham wrapped in plastic wrap.


Dear grandma,

Mom's been drinking again. Last week, she passed out on the toilet and broke her nose. I tried to fix her nose with some krazy glue, popsicle sticks, and masking tape. When she woke up, she told me I was grounded and that I couldn't play with my hamster Fluffy for a week. During that time, Fluffy died. I wanted to bury him in the back yard, but mom decided that it was a better idea to just flpush him down the toilet.
Unfortunately, mom clogged the toilet by flushing one of her pads down there a couple days previous, so now we have a dead hamster floating in our toilet.

When dad came away from his girlfriends house, he fished out the pad, Fluffy, and three turds. We buried them alltogether in the back yard while mom was passed out again, and I made tombstones for all five of
them: Maxi, Turdy, Poopy, Crappy, and Fluffy.

Anyway, while mom was passed out and dad was out getting laid, I tried that recipe you sent me for cookies. I'm sending you one. Please let me know if I got it right.

I heard that grampa finally hooked up the internet so he can watch those toilet cams. I don't know why anybody would put a toilet in their camera. Wouldn't it get covered in poop, especially if it's the splattery kind?

Anyway, I have a blog on the internet. You can read the stuff I write in it and the pictures I post. I'm starting a collection of pictures of mom passed out in various places. You can see them if you go to http://classicalgasemissions.blogspot.com

But I should go. Please send me another $300 so I can buy some groceries, since mom spends all her money on booze.

Love you Grandma,

Steven