Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Bastard Mickey

Today, I bought the ugliest fucking Mickey Mouse I've ever seen in my life...

I mean, just look at it. Perhaps it represents Mickey Mouse at age 70. He's wearing an old man yellow bowtie, he's got wrinkles, he's hunch-backed, and he's so goddam fat that his overalls won't stay up, giving him an effortless plumber's crack. I considered putting a thong on him, but the chances of finding a thong that small are pretty slim.

If Bastard Mickey were a real mouse, his mother would've eaten him at birth.

This toy is obviously a knock-off, and I can't find a tag anywhere on it to identify who actually manufactured it. I'm guessing he was made by a bunch of kids working in a sweathouse in China, and brought in some big Yen for those who managed to escape the evil Disney lawyers.

Genuine Disney Mickey (left); Bastard Mickey (right)

Even though Bastard Mickey is fat and ugly, I actually do like him. I generally don't like anything made nor promoted by Disney, and Bastard Mickey served his purpose of taking money away from the company. Someone paid money for him from some cheapy store for five bucks, and that's five bucks that Disney never got! They're now going to be five bucks short when trying to come up with the budget for Pirates of the Caribbean IV.

....yeah, I know I'm dreaming, but sometimes it's fun to dream. But Bastard Mickey represents something that Disney's against, and that's good enough for him to win me over! God bless Bastard Mickey.


Sarah Jane said...

Cracks me up!
He also has old man eyebrows.

Bizarrestufffromgermany said...

I think I saw that Bastard Mickey in a Chinese action B movie.

Anonymous said...

This was hilarious. I wonder where I can get a Bastard Mickey of my own. Bastard Mickey rocks. He needs his own Facebook fan page.