Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Junq Tour 2010: Brandon

HOLY FUCK! I'm doing a blog entry! Yes, this has been a crazy month, but I'm hoping to get things back to normal in the next few weeks. The most hectic part is pretty much done, although there's still things to be taken care of. Again, sorry I've been away for so long.

And yes, the Junq tour is back again. However, I don't think there's going to be as much this year as there was last. I gave up my trip to The Pas & Flin Flon because one of my co-workers REALLY wanted to go fishing there which was fine by me. I fucking hated Flin Flon.

Anyway, I went to Brandon, Manitoba. The slogan for their city is "All Your Wheat Are Belong To Us". I actually went there last year, but didn't pick anything up because the prices at their Value Village aren't very competitive with, say, Wal-Mart. The only differences between the Wal-Mart and the Value Village is Value Village doesn't have a pissed-off greeter at the front door, and the goods aren't very good. But this year I managed to escape with three treasures.


Piano Stylings by Joan MacKay

Oooh lookie! Grandma recorded an album! She looks so happy dressed up in her muumuu, and that fake bead necklace just.... wow.

The album starts off with a soothing 60Hz hum. I'm guessing Joan recorded this on her vacuum-tube-powered Viking reel 2 reel machine. I'll give her credit, she can play very well for an old bag. Thank Christ she didn't sing which is probably why this album is somewhat enjoyable.

I won't bother posting a sound clip as there's nothing bizarre about a good piano player. I'll leave the clips for the next couple of albums...


Size Small - The Wonderful Play-Along, Sing-Along, Laugh-Along Child's Treasure

Winnipeg's K-Tel label seemed to take pride in releasing soundtracks to local television programs. I grew up watching Size Small. I've seen this album in the thrift shops before, but every copy I've seen was previously used to shovel dog shit off someone's gravel driveway. This copy is near-mint.

Most of this stuff is quite innocent children's entertainment, but one track really struck me as odd. Someone must have beaten the shit out of this poor kid. Have a listen:
(Mud On My Shoes - Size Small) 

Yikes!
And if you want a video clip, here's some cooter music for you.




All-Star Party

This album is chok full of fucking terrible impressions of famous children's icons from 1982. The songs were written by a half-retarded lemon-merang pie who shouldn't have been left to mould in K-tel's basement recording studio. ANYBODY could write better shit than this. I could write better songs than this while throwing up a 24 of Papst Blue Ribbon beer.

Coconuts & Cats features hypnotized children singing while some asshole does a bad impression of Sylvester.
(Coconuts & Cats - Elmer Fudd & Tweety Pie)


The Pac Man songs are just plain awful
(Take The Fruit & Scoot - Pac Man)
(Slightly Crazy Lazy Day - Pac Man)


The song about E.T. is more gay than Ricky Martin at a Backstreet Boys concert.
(E.T. I Love You - The Starlight Children's Chorus )


And speaking of the Backstreet Boys, Donkey Kong seems to have formed his own boy band.
(On Top Of The World - Donkey Kong)


Just when I thought nothing was gayer than the E.T. song, the Two Songs about the Pink Panther made me want to prance around with Nick Jonas while carrying flowers in my mouth.
(Pink Panther Time - Pink Panther)
(Pink Panther On The Prowl - Pink Panther)

Remember last year when I wrote about that entry about Barbie & Ken? Remember that dreadful 45 with Ken singing "A Little Bit of that Sky"? Well, it seems they joined together and recorded more god-awful showtunes to perform in Las Vegas for all their plastic relatives. Mattel and K-Tel must have settled their brand name dispute outside of court and came up with a really bad all-in-one promotional agreement and record contract. Beware of that first song, it makes me want to rip the coils out of my speakers.
(Barbie and her Friends - Barbie) 
(It All Comes Back To You - Barbie)


Ronald McDonald went from being an un-funny clown to being a stupid drunken barn-dance hillbilly and a pansy-ass environmentalist.
(The McSquare Dance Hoedown - Ronald McDonald)
(The second song is too long and stupid to post)

This has to be the most god-awful thing that K-tel has EVER released. It doesn't even pass well for a decent children's album. But if you enjoy really bad impressionists singing terrible lyrics to campy music, then you'll find plenty to enjoy in this jam-packed all-star party album! Be sure to have plenty of drugs and booze available if you plan to play this at a party. Your guests WILL need it.

And by request, you can download the whole thing BY CLICKING HERE!!! 

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Size Small was paid for by a secret government grant. They were trying to brainwash children into hitting things with kitchen spoons. Reasons: Unknown at this time.

Lobster Egg said...

That pacman one sounds an awful lot like a tape I had a long time ago from a company called Pickwick.

They had some disclaimer saying it wasn't for computer use and that was the most interesting thing about it.

D.J. Ciccone said...

i`m looking for the full rip All-Star Party i have the lp but keeps skiping.please post the full rip

Ben Century said...

I added a link to the whole rip at the end of the blog post. Enjoy!