Sunday, January 15, 2012

Cheap Imitations For The Soul

I figured it's a good day to tackle some of the stuff that's been rotting in my 'in queue' box. It's been overflowing for quite some time, so I did a quick listen to a bunch of the cassettes in there. About 1/3 of them are being dumped because they're not interesting, good, nor terrible. Let us pray over the mass grave of the following artists who will NOT be featured on Classical Gas Emissions:

Bob & Brenda Penner, Sandra Mae Reimer, Bob Chartrand, Paul Who?, Lisa Serofin & Wild West, Eric Genius, David Lum, Nikki Hornsby, The Callens, Fulnormal, Tim Watson & Black Creek, The Musical Warriors, King Apparatus, Little Sister.

With these tapes no longer stinking up the box, I can now focus my energy on great albums such as...

Sounds Like Boney M

Sounds like Boner Mayonnaise if ya ask me! But seriously, it's not hard to sound like Boney M since they weren't much of a real group anyway. The original Boney M largely consisted of producer Frank Farian singing both the male and female vocals, and used a band to lip sync along with his recordings. He did something similar 10 years later with Milli Vanilli. True story!

Boney M was a fake studio creation, and this album is pretty much the same thing. For all I know, this could be the same batch of studio musicians who recorded Milli Vanilli's albums.

You're probably asking, "Who is that on the album cover?" The answer is pretty obvious... It's a black woman with hairy armpits who needs to visit a dentist RIGHT NOW.

Why they decided to split up "Night Flight To Venus" and "Rasputin" is anybody's guess, but I'm guessing they never actually listened to the album. Since splitting these two songs was the wrong thing to do, I've taken the liberty of surgically re-attaching the foreskin to the penis, and Boner M is now able to happily penetrate the holes in the sides of your head!

The announcer at the beginning sounds like he's talking into an electric fan while sitting in a cave. When Rasputin finally kicks in, the music becomes reminiscent of Ska rather than Disco. The male vocalist sounds like he's bored out of his skull and wishes he had a real record deal.

Regardless, "Smells like Boney M" doesn't stink as badly as it could have. Here's the highly enjoyable and newly spliced together "Nightflight to Venus / Rasputin" for you to laugh at.

Listen to it here!

Bill Cosby Is Not Himself Lately (Rat Own, Rat Own, Rat Own)

This album cover is hard evidence that Bill Cosby used to be a woman!

Just kidding. We all know that Bill Cosby is really just a cup of chocolate pudding.

The realistic idea behind this album cover is that the company who manufactured this used a generic picture for every album they released. In today's non-tolerance of defining sexual roles, this album cover becomes a prime example of how men and women are indeed equal and interchangeable. If you look hard enough, perhaps you'll be convinced that the person on this album cover is INDEED Bill Cosby.

When I found this, I honestly couldn't believe that some cheap imitation artist would re-record a Bill Cosby comedy album in its entirety. While listening to this atrocious piece of junk, I took comfort in knowing that (according to the label) that this was NOT Bill Cosby, but some asshole doing a really good voice impression of him. However, the guy sounded too much like Bill Cosby for me to dismiss that this may actually be a bootleg, so I compared it to the recordings on Youtube.

My findings were devastating. This is the REAL album. Not only that, it has to be the shittiest album Bill Cosby ever recorded. No wonder it's still out of print. Bill talks and 'sings' Barry White-esque vocals on every single song which sounds like a bad funk nightmare. With the exception of a few minor laughs, most of the album isn't funny. Its content mainly consists of repeating the phrase "rat own" over and over again which gets incredibly fucking stale after the first song. It becomes as unfunny as listening to an album of farting noises over Justin Bieber music.

Nevertheless, I feel I must post a track off this one.

Listen to "Garbage Truck Lady"

The Tony Mansell Singers - Bridge Over The Genius of Simon & Garfunkel

A better title for this album would be "Bridge Over Troubled Water - The Idiocy of The Tony Mansell Singers"

Over the last few years, I've posted a couple of really bad Simon & Garfunkel covers. There would have been more, but "Bridge Over Troubled Water" seemed to be one of the most favorite songs to ruin in the 1970s. We're not going to focus on that song this time because I think there's three different versions available for download on this site.

Instead, we're going to focus on the catchy little number called "Mrs. Robinson". The Tony Mansell Singers have sucked out the passionate vocals that Simon & Garfunkel gave us, and instead have recorded an incredibly happy-sounding gospel choir song. This version will make you want to bounce around like a flaming Peter Pan while punching any religious zealots who tell you God wants you to grow up.

Listen to "Mrs. Robinson"

I've got tons and tons more of these cheap imitation albums. I have yet to focus on the discography of "Sound Alike Music" where each album re-creates the sound of a different artist. Some of the artists I have in this series are Led Zeppelin, Grand Funk, Alice Cooper, and everyone's favorite, Engelbert Humperdinck! And they're really terrible!

Oh, and my blog's fifth anniversary is coming up. I'm looking forward to posting a special birthday entry in celebration!


CJPStaff said...

We saw in a google search for the Grammy voting member artist Nikki Hornsby, that you have a very rare cassette of her music in your collection.
Thank you for posting the photo of this among your collection.

CJP Staff
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Anonymous said...

not only is the bill cosby album for real (I have on lp, and a song "YES YES YES" on 45 rpm) read more about it on wikipedia,_Yes,_Yes