Saturday, January 26, 2013

Cassettes to Torture Your Horses

Welcome back to regular entries! It's been a long time since I've actually written one of these, and I've been missing it incredibly. We're going to dip back into the overflowing "in queue" box, where my heart and hard-earned money lies. I feel like such a tool.

Magic Mike

This guy looks like John Stamos and writes songs that a fruity pedophile should be writing. Each song is approximately one minute long and sound like they were recorded with a soup can (special thanks to Shoestring Studios! Keep those hits coming!). The songs themselves will appeal to those who are young at heart and stupid in the head.

My favorite song on here (NOT REALLY) is a story about Magic Mike inviting you into his magic castle. Whether that means stuffing your wiener into his bumhole or going to his house so he can play with your pee pee is entirely up to your imagination. With magic, anything is possible! But perhaps I'm wrong about Magic Mike. He could just be a regular guy who plays dorky songs on his guitar.

Listen to "Come Along With Me - Magic Mike's Castle Theme"

Screamer - I See You

Ladies and Gentlemen... it brings me great pleasure to present... All the way from Winnipeg.... WEEN!

Holy fuck does this stuff ever sound like Ween. Instead of Gener and Deaner, we have..... SCREAMER! I'm not shitting you, that's the guy's name. His mother had a difficult delivery. The unfortunate thing about Screamer is that his stuff isn't even remotely as amusing as Ween is. So you've got the same production values, the same goofy sounding voice, and some incredibly boring songs. Think of a 'matured' Ween and you've got this album.

Listen to "I See You"

Mark Bezilla - Looney

Now here's something that doesn't happen every day on this blog... Say the band above (The Winnipeg Ween) start to have disagreements. They get pissed off at each other and one of the bandmates tells Screamer that he has the creativity of a horse's penis, tells him "fuck you, you untalented bastard" and storms out of the room to create his own solo project. Instead, he sits around picking his nose for a couple of months. Then he gets a hair-brained idea to enter a songwriting contest. So he takes one of the songs from the Screamer album, fills out an entry form, submits a tape, and loses.

Way to stick it to Screamer! You showed him who's the fuckin' boss!

Although it's just another track from the Screamer album, I'm presenting the award-losing song here.

Listen to Looney

Teo Mance (March 1)

He's BACK!!!! I reviewed his crappy CD here. I never in a million years thought I would be (unintentionally) searching out the discographies of artists nobody cares about. Teo Mance seems to be joining the ranks of Arnie and Kevin Harcourt. And if you couldn't get enough of Teo Mance by reading this blog, you can find Teo on Youtube too! Here's some of the comments you'll find on his amazing videos:

- "Awful!!....REALLY awful..."
- "This guy can't keep in tune, his voice keeps cracking, and he uses too much reverb to try and cover his faults..... Keep the day job!"
- "Take away his reverb (which you don't even have to) and whats left is a dry boring voice with sloppy amateur guitar work & the most shameful covers of classic originals."

The best thing about those comments is I DIDN'T WRITE THEM.

Anyway, back to Teo's live album. Or non-live album. Whatfuckingever. I thought it was a live album when I bought it. Regardless, it's just as shitty as the last one if not more so. Here's a chalkboard-screeching, horse-molesting cover of "Unchained Melody" originally done by the Righteous Brothers.

Listen to it Here!

And we're done! By the way, if you haven't heard my last appearance on Amateur Hour, you can download it here. I'll be back again soon with more dreadful crap to kill your horses with.

1 comment:

CavedogRob said...

Parts of that Magic Mike Song sound like Cream's "Pressed Rat & Warthog"! I'm sure it's just a coincidence...