Monday, January 7, 2013

Junq Tour 2012: Winkler

Welcome to another pooperiffic installation of the Junq Tour! We may have entered 2013, but there's nothing like taking the time traveling machine back to the year 2012 to revisit some of the garbage that has robbed me of my money, tortured my soul, and cluttered the dungeon from which I am locked in to write these blog entries for all of eternity. I'm certain that none of you feel pity for me, and rightly so because I bring all this torture upon myself. YOU are a sick person for allowing me to suffer like this and subscribe to this blog.

So, let's commence with the suffering!

Ricky King - Die 20 Schonsten Welthits im Gitarren-Sound

Tell me this album does NOT look interesting. You've got covers of Neil Diamond, The Beatles, Hot Butter, Boney M, and Simon & Garfunkel (although it's NOT Bridge Over Troubled Water this time.) Look at the guy on the cover. He's a dork with bad teeth and an awful suit. The strangest thing about this album is it was released on Epic records.

This album is absolutely full of Gitarren-Soundy goodness! The arrangements aren't all that bad, and this album is reminiscent of The Ventures, and The Ventures kicked ass. The only one I don't like is the shitty cover of Popcorn. Everyone who has tried to cover that song has fucked it up. LEAVE IT ALONE!!!! You can't improve on that song. It's perfect only in its original form.

So here is a Duane Eddy-ish sounding cover of Boney M's Rivers of Babylon.

Listen here!

Roy Hope - I'm Gonna Sing

Nooooo, please don't sing. For the love of God PLEASE DON'T FUCKING SING!!!

Listen to Roy sing Jesus Train

Happy Birthday Nancy

Sound sheets are always interesting to find. They put all kinds of shit on them, and this is pretty shitty! It follows in the same spirit of the birthday cassettes made by Kidselebration except this one was made by ABC Records and Tape Sales Corp - probably another hole in the wall recording studio set out to make a few bucks. If the record slips while it's playing, you're supposed to put coins on the stars. Since I'm poor from paying for my lawyer, I had to use rocks instead of coins.

The song is just as cornball as the Kidselebration songs, and you get ripped off because there's only on song on this thing. Once the novelty wears off, you can run this sound sheet through a paper shredder. Can't do that with a cassette!

Listen to Happy Birthday Nancy

Marcy - Favorite Songs & Choruses

I've seen Marcy albums all over the place - in thrift stores and on websites featuring oddball records. Marcy seems to be a Christian puppet (much better than those asshole Atheist puppets) who sings religious children's songs. Whoever is voicing Marcy needs her neck surgically removed from her body because Marcy is the most annoying thing I've ever heard.

A search on the internet revealed that Marcy has released about fifty fucking billion albums. Feel free to browse the "known" discography here (my favorite is "Marcy sings to $1.98 Children")

Listen to Open Up Your Heart

Parables From Nature

This one is nine minutes long, so feel free to listen to it while you're sitting on the can. It will help pass the time and move the bowel.

This is a record for a film strip or slide show about Jesus (not included - it has likely gone to a better place). There is supposed to be an inaudible signal that changes the frame, but the low frequency noise is loud and clear on my stereo. If you have sub-woofers, it's going to piss you off. I guess it's inaudible when you listen to it on a piece of shit.

The stories are boring and stupid. Here's one for you to listen to about a guy who gets ripped off, just like Jesus rips me off by having his followers put out all these terrible Christian records.

Listen to Pearl of Great Price

Die Puppe

Die Puppy is a spoken word cassette containing stories about bald, creepy dolls who persuade a mob of hungry children to join them in the brutal killing of baby dogs. Die Puppy is an intensely graphic, disgusting recording which holds the potential power to make animal rights activists explode upon listening. Since the entire cassette is in German, I can only assume that this is what the contents of the cassette are. Germans are evil, and their dolls are REALLY REALLY evil.

Kris Kenemy - Christ My Love

First of all, let's look at the cover. Kris looks like he's going to cry. Why is he crying? Well, two people are running away from him, probably because he smells bad. Why does he smell bad? Well, nobody is wearing shoes, so it's entirely possible that Kris stepped in dog shit and had the brown mush squish up from between his toes, kinda like Playdoh when you press it with a fork. Poor Kris. But I'm sure the shit coming up from the bottom of his foot gave him the divine inspiration to record this album.

It's pretty bad. The piano player and drummer are desperately wanting to go off and play whatever the fuck they want, and Kris is just singing a bunch of crappy lyrics he came up with while he was bored in church.

The first song consists of six minutes of him singing about how Jesus makes him cream his panties. The second song is spelled incorrectly (It's spelled "Yahweh", not "Yahwey" - even I know that dumbass, what the fuck kind of Christian are you?) Don't worry people, only Kris's panties were creamed during the recording of this album. Everyone else went home dry and promptly indulged themselves in music made by TALENTED people to get the bad taste out of their ears.

Listen to Christ My love

Jim & Helen's Keyboard Favorites

This album was recorded onto Chromium Dioxide tape in Dolby HX Pro. Despite these fantastic enhancements in recording technology which can render a crisp high quality recording, you'll end up with a shitty product when you record your album on an answering machine. It also doesn't help when you play your keyboard after drinking three bottles of cheap gin. Despite Jim & Helen's attempt to accurately cover The Beatles, I certainly wouldn't have known it was a famous Beatles song had I not interpreted the inlay card. Not only does it sound NOTHING like Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da, the title is written on the inlay as if it's about someone chewing on the food they're vomiting up.

Listen to Ooh-Blah-Dee Ooh-Blah-Da

American Pick Hit Artists - Top Ten Rock 1977 Vol.3

This isn't my first entry from these guys. I reviewed Vol.6 in this entry. What the fuck is it with these guys and their desire to ruin perfectly good Boston songs? Perhaps volumes 1,2,4 and 5 all have other tracks off Boston's debut album. I'd love to come up with a Boston tribute album out of all this, but finding these closet-produced 8-tracks isn't as easy as finding albums by Eddy Arnold and Lawrence Welk. Ever walk into a thrift store and look at the 8-track shelf? It's fucking LOADED with Lawrence Welk albums! Some people just put out too many albums, and too many idiots buy EVERY SINGLE ONE of them.

There's a lot of crap on this 8-track that I'm not familiar with. It's mainly stuff that's on-the-verge-of-disco music and mellow 70s junk that I couldn't be bothered with. But this Boston cover is really bad. It's also cut short so the suffering doesn't extend to the seven minutes of the original version.

Listen to Long Time

And now, I welcome you back to the year 2013 - at least for a brief period of time. I still may have another one or two Junq Tours to catch up on - unless the stuff I bought is all recordings of talented musicians playing really good music (and how likely is that?)

No comments: