Valentine's day is upon us, and what better way to celebrate it than read one of my romantic, love filled blog entries with your partner down by the fire. You will undoubtedly toss your laptop into the fire after you're done with this one.
If you need some fuck music, our friend Drew will make sure you have it. He makes cheap CDs which are recorded by the slaves (The Hit Crew) in his recording studio in his mom's basement. He developed the unpopular "Drew's Famous" collection of albums which you will likely avoid once you've bought just one.
So, let's pick some love songs from a couple of Drew's Famous releases (you're dillusional if you REALLY think this stuff is famous).
Drew's Famous 30 Greatest 90s Songs
Drew really outdid himself with this one. You get TWO CDs full of garbage. Not only that, Drew makes certain to personalize each CD with a special message. This one says "Have a great party!" If your guests are drunk enough, they might not notice the CD is full of cheap imitations.
I'll Be Missing You
This is a cheap imitation of a rip off of a Police song. Remember Puff Daddy? Remember when he changed his name to "Puffy Combs Cereal" or some dumb shit like that? I think he changed his name three more times after that. I fucking hated this song when it came out. Drew decided to make it worse and got some white guys rapping on it. The soul has been removed from this song and is now burning in Valentine's Day hell.
Listen to it!
Under The Bridge
The Red Hot Chili Peppers never sounded worse. That's probably because this isn't the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I can't help but wonder if Drew sang this one himself. It's really fucking awful. Play this for your Valentine and she'll likely cut off your cock and bury it in a sock. Then you can cut out the suggestion card from the CD insert, fill it in (making sure to let Drew know that he is now the cause of you being dickless) and mail it in. Drew is too cheap to pay for postage, or even get a Gmail account to conveniently allow you to send him hate emails and death threats.
Listen to it!
Drew's Famous Wedding Songs
For those of you who are planning to propose to your loved one on this very special money-making holiday, you may want to buy this disc especially if she's been nagging at your ass for that damn ring. This collection of love songs will make her shut up. Drew personally wishes you a great wedding on the back of the CD - which will lead to a vicious divorce after she remembers how you were too fucking cheap to buy the real album.
I'll Be There
I think this is supposed to be the Mariah Carey version. Remember her? Can you say "washed up"? I don't know who that guy is supposed to be singing with Cheap-Imitation-Mariah, but his soul is in worse shape than the bottom of my shoe. I can guarantee you that Michael Jackson is melting in his grave from the injustice that was done to this song of his.
Listen to this crap
I would have picked another song off this one, but I've already covered the Whitney Houston song, plus I've featured "The Rose" numerous times (we don't need it again) and "Unchained Melody" was destroyed in the last entry. So even Drew ruined this blog entry by doing songs that every other unoriginal bastard out there has covered. Thanks Drew! I can't wait to pick up more of your money-stealing "compilations".
And that's it! I hope your woman didn't start crying while you were pounding away to these terrible cover songs. I only hope you got her plenty drunk before dimming the lights and seducing her with this crap.
Happy Valentine's Day!