Monday, April 15, 2013

I'm Sick, So Let's Listen to Some Pukey Recordings!

I've been sick on and off for the last three weeks. I'm fucking tired of it and pretty miserable about being cooped up in the house, nursing my now skinny ass back to health. It's a perfectly ideal excuse to write a blog entry!

Here's some cassettes I picked up at one of my favorite thrift stores a while back. I went in there with a walkman, previewed a bunch of their tapes, and bought the most interesting ones. Here's what I walked out with...

The Welfare Starlets

This song suits me perfectly as I'm bleeding from my rectum from having constant diarrhea over the past three days. This band actually released one album in their lifetime, but this song isn't on it. It's a great song and I'm sure it conveys my painful rectal feelings onto you, the reader and listener. But unlike the songs says, I can't eat taco chips or squiggly candies because I'll just barf 'em back out. Women have it easy.

Listen to Menstrual Blues

Dick Singing

My dick can't sing, and maybe that's a good thing. If it did, I'd have to castrate myself and become celibate, and knowing my libido I'd have to kill myself along with my singing wang. This cassette is actually an adorable recording of a child (around three years old) singing nursery rhymes, the alphabet, and anything other songs he can mess up in his own cute way.

Listen to Dick sing

Tom Monkman - Singing to Slimness

I can't sing because I'm still recovering from having laryngitis last week. I don't have to sing to be slim because I've been puking up everything I eat. I've lost a total of 6 lbs just by not eating. Fuck you Tom Monkman! Your weight loss program isn't as effective as the one I've been on! I'm suing you for the fifty cents I spent on your shitty cassette! Oh wait, I can't because the cassette says "for educational purposes only."

On the subject of the actual content of this tape, it's another religious weight-loss program. Apparently singing praises to the Lord will make you shit out the pounds.

Lose some fat with this asshole

Figure 4 - Demo '98

Sometimes the best way to get the Lord's message across is to scream it so hard that nobody understands what your problem is. This is some fine Christian death metal that makes you appreciate the fact that you can't understand any of it. Luckily they provide a lyric sheet so you can scream along at home! The singer sounds a lot like I did last week when I had laryngitis.

Listen to Hollow Religion

Brian Browne - Beatles

I really have to wonder where people get their ideas from. "Hey, The Beatles suck wombat balls! Maybe we could make them more tolerable if we take some of their songs and turn them into smooth jazz renditions!"


Listen to I Want To Hold Your Hand

I think I've officially gone crazy by being cooped up for days and listening to a cassette of jazzy Beatles songs. Please send the mobile crisis unit to my house so they can lock me up in a rubber cell when I can no longer be tortured. Or send me some nice morphine so I can sleep through the nights.