Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Boxed Sets For Boxing Day

In the next couple of weeks, I hope to be finishing up tracks for an album that I've been recording for what seems to be FOREVER. I began working on it in 2004 after becoming fed up with the last band I played in, took a break starting in 2006 to focus on raising my son, then started getting back at it in 2010. It's now nearly complete, and I'm hoping at releasing it by Spring, if not earlier. I guarantee you that the quality is 100 times better than the crap that I post on here which it should be, because I have hundreds of examples on how NOT to make it!

Anyway, onto the entry. In my desperation to cut down the bulk in my "in queue" boxes, I've decided to tackle some boxed sets. People sure come up with stupid ideas, and the REALLY stupid ideas seem to manifest themselves in large packages. Let's begin...

Night Moves: The Professional Approach to Disco Dance Instruction

YES! Learn how to Disco like the pros and win over all the hotties on the dance floor! This set comes with two records and an instruction book. Learn the popular moves that all the kids were doing in 1978 like The Airplane Walk, The Guitar, The Worm, The Dog, and The Mork. These dances are guaranteed to make you look like a disco turkey who's been sniffing too much oven cleaner.

K-Tel really knew how to market for the times. This instruction set came out in 1979, the year Disco went down the toilet. According to Wikipedia, "On July 21, 1979, the top six records on the U.S. music charts were disco songs. By September 22 there were no disco songs in the US Top 10 chart. Some in the media, in celebratory tones, declared disco dead and rock revived." K-Tel took the unsold Disco Dance boxed sets to a landfill, set them on fire, crushed them with a steam roller, covered them in concrete, covered them in a waterproof coating of rubber, and finally buried them under 300 tons of turkey droppings. The site is currently guarded by members of the Canadian military, and anybody who attempts to rescue the poor unwanted disco instruction sets will be beaten in the head with a hockey stick.

Here's how to do "The Guitar"

Listen and learn how to do the Jester's Kick!

Dating, Mating and Relating

Now that you've met your ideal woman by doing all the hottest disco moves you learned with the last box set, it's time to settle down. When you get married (or are on the verge of marriage), one of your asshole religious family members is going to give you something that will ensure that you remain happily married, no matter how much of a bitch or fuckwad your mate turns out to be. You'll get something like this 4 cassette program on how to have a great life with the person who messes up your hormones to the point of oozing in your underpants. This boxed set comes with a work book so you can treat your marriage and sex life like a school course, and we all know nothing gets couples hornier than filling out a workbook. You'll have more fun doing this if you keep your pencil in one hand and your pecker in the other.

I skipped all the other tapes and went directly for the sex tape. The female narrator (Tamara) starts off with the subject of cooking. Then she talks for about five minutes about how sex is wrong outside of marriage. And then she starts talking about giving your mate pet names.

I was hoping that this particular cassette tape would help me become a porn star in the bedroom. Needless to say, I'm very disappointed. The best piece of information I got from this tape was that it's sexy to call your woman a "hairless Siberian Husky". Somehow I doubt this piece of advice will cause a panty-filtered waterfall to occur.

The best part about this tape set is the work book. It's unfortunate that the previous owners didn't fill it out. The one page on sex is more in-depth than the entire cassette series. The couple who made this course are either embarrassed to talk about sex, or they're embarrassed that their sex life isn't more interesting.

Listen to tips on hot sex!

Now that you're married and having hot sex with your hairless Siberian Husky, let's move onto something you can do together.

They're At The Post

I'd heard about these games on the internet, so I jumped at the opportunity to own one when I saw it at a garage sale which was being held at a seniors' complex. It's a horse racing game that comes with four records, all containing horse races. The unique thing about these records is that each side contains multiple parallel grooves. You plop the needle down, and it will play one of the horse races completely at random! You never know which one you're going to get! Digitizing an entire record would be a fucking nightmare.

Listen to a race!

There's nothing like having a fun evening beside the record player, betting on which parallel groove you're going to hear. The description on the box is a technical wonder. "8 complete races on 4 LP records computerized for over 190 different finishes." Computerized? What an odd word to use for a piece of analog-encoded vinyl. According to my math, there should be 24 grooves on each record side which makes a total of 192 races. I'm tempted to peel off the Daryl Wells sticker to see what they actually covered up. Perhaps they had Pat Boone calling the races and didn't feel like redesigning the box after he left to read bible stories for children.

And that's it! I'm off to finish recording my album. I personally can't wait to join the ranks of Arnie, Teo Mance, Kevin Harcourt, and all the other famous singers who have made Classical Gas Emissions the ultimate source for talented musical geniuses.

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