Monday, December 14, 2020

Junq Tour 2020: Christmas

During the Junq Tour, I picked up a surprising amount of Christmas albums. So why not do a whole entry on them? I usually just take the Christmas stuff I find and toss them into the Christmas bag for regular entries since I usually only find one or two items. Perhaps I'll cover the Junq Tour Christmas stuff whenever possible. I also have no clue where I temporarily stored the regular Christmas stuff, so this is as good a substitute as any. And now, let's get to some horrible holiday music...

The Cats - Getting Ready For Christmas

It's odd that I've never seen this tape before. It was obviously put out by CBS which would technically make it a mainstream album, but seriously... What the fuck is this thing? I know it's a children's album, but why does it exist? Apparently the story and lyrics are included, but the inlay is blank. Perhaps the LP version contains such magical wonders. Still, what is the point of the existence of this? Also, why do pre-recorded CrO2 tapes from big record labels always sound like mud?

This album is awful. All the songs are originals and have thankfully never entered the realm of "classics". I'm also willing to bet that there are people out there who fondly remember this tape. Feel free to leave your memories in the comments.

Listen to Christmas Makes Everything Swing

The Lange Family - We Shall Rise

Yes, this should have been reviewed during the regular Junq Tour, but this is what was inside the case:

Oh joy! We have the Lang Family's Christmas album instead! Guess what's on Side 2?

I never knew The Harcourts recorded a Christmas album. How exciting!

The problem I'm having is this is a C-100 cassette, so there is more than just The Lange Family and the Harcourts recorded on here. There's other shit that I can't recognize although it appears to be a group called "Country Folk", so I'm going to post some of that. Also, I'm a bit surprised at how good this Embassy Gold C-100 tape sounds. I used their C-60s and C-90s when I was a kid, and they sounded like shit.

Listen to a bunch of kids trying to sing Away in a Manger

Listen to The Harcourts sing Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer

Jim McDonald- Brand New Love for Christmas

This was sealed when I bought it. Now think about this... If you had a sealed copy of this in your hands, would you bother opening it? Most people wouldn't. I'm the evil demon who cracked open it's awfulness to inflict upon the world.

So how does one become and Angel Award Winner? Can I submit my own album to win this? Or do I just have to put this nonsense on the back of the album like Jim did? I have a feeling that Jim didn't win shit.

I had to open up the booklet to find out what year the Angel Award was talking about and came across this gem of a copyright notice:

Does this kind of shit hold up in court? How many people have gone to jail for breaking God's law? Will I be ordered to sacrifice a goat to make up for my sin of uploading this to the internet? We shall find out.

I was ready to toss this album into the trash as "not good nor bad enough" until I got to track three. Jim McDonald is a bland lounge singer that is completely forgettable. Then, he takes every piece of trash in his city's dump and crams it all into "Sweet Little Jesus Boy".

Listen to Sweet Little Jesus Boy

Country Gospel Singers - Home For Christmas

Boy, check out that cover art. I don't think I've had a cover this colorful, creative and eye-catching all year! You should have seen all the effort they put into the other side!

If you like banjo on your Christmas songs, then you're going to love this one because it's on every single song. The band must have had a few Christmas drinks before recording this because they can't keep time very well. Their tape recorder must have had a few drinks as well because it warbles a little bit. Also, every song has the beginning cut off. Someone probably stood by with the pause button to cut out the drunken banter between the songs and started recording after the band decided to get their shit together to play another song.

I've put up the song "Wanted" for your unenjoyment. It kinda sounds like "Me and Bobby McGee", but with more banjo. Someone recorded over some of it. I'm guessing the banjo player hit a wrong note and yelled "fuck shit jesus piss" and they had to edit it out. The record tabs are still in, so I can put some Iron Maiden on this tape after I'm done with it. As a treat, the banjo falls onto the floor at the end of the song while the piss drunk musician tries to catch it by the strings.

Listen to Wanted

The Braun Sisters - Christmas Favourites

That's not a very Christmassy picture! Also, this cassette is from our friends at Silver Stream Recordings who will happily record an album full of taco bell gospel flatulence.

Well... The sound quality is really good. I would even say it's deserving of being recorded on CrO2 tape. The drawback is you can hear every single mistake the Brauns make, and this whole fucking album is a mistake. This family should just spend their time listening to Christmas albums instead of recording them. Perhaps they should have avoided the spirits of Christmas intoxication before stumbling over the record button. Also, three of the sisters on the album cover appear to have had sex changes.

They can't sing, they can't play, and they can't keep time. They have officially ruined Christmas for everybody. The pandemic has nothing on these girls.

Listen to Have A Blessing Ready

Listen to Silent Night

Let's hope that Santa gives you better stuff than I did. On the plus side, I'm moved into the small room in my house addition, so regular blog entries will be coming your way again. I still have work to do in my new workspace which still isn't finished. Perhaps if I quit my day job, I'll get it done faster. Also, if I locate my Christmas stuff, I'll try and get one more entry out before the big pig falls down the chimney. See you soon!

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