Sunday, September 5, 2021

Junq Tour 2021: Portage La Prairie

 We're at the very start of the Junq Tour, and there's no better place to start than Portage La Prairie. I came out with a LOT of terrible music (as I usually do at this location), so let's not waste any more time and go through it...

Helen White - What The Hellsy

I got this one sealed, and I should have left it that way.

With songs like "Dreamworld", "Facebook Fiasco", "Men (Boring)", "Spoilt Bastard", and "I Miss You Dad" Helen sounds like a man-hating bitch with daddy issues. These songs come off as pompous, bombastic, annoying showtunes. I hate showtunes. Helen sounds like she has a load of talent that has lots it's control and skidded off the road and ended up in a herd of man-hating cows.

Let's see if I can come up with a response for every song title...

A Highway West - Where I drove over this CD

Dreamworld - What you're living in if you think this album will appeal to audiences other than bitter women

P.A.R.I.S. - Piss Arrangements Recorded In Stereo

Can't Concentrate - Judging by the lyrics, it was pretty obvious

Facebook Fiasco - What happens when I post my review of this

My Coat - Put it on and GTFO

You Can't Stop a Storm - Good thing you're not a storm!

Men (Boring) - Helen (Shitty)

MAXI - You shouldn't write lyrics when you're wearing one of these

Spoilt Bastard - Jaded Bitch

I Miss You Dad - I wish he was still around to whoop your ass for making this album

Perpetual Youth - Sounds like someone's trying to make up for getting a little saggy in the body!

Listen to Men (Boring)

Saffire The Uppity Blues Women

This is what happens when you get a bunch of bitter old women together to form a travelling musical circus act. These miserable bitches should get together with Helen White and create the ultimate "I hate men" band. Some of the song titles are "Silver Beaver", "You Can Have My Husband", "Bitch With a Bad Attitude", "Dump That Chump", and a mandatory cover of Patsy Cline's "Crazy". It's women like these who cause all the good men to decide that procreating is a bad idea. Putting your dick in a bitter angry woman will lead to the removal of your genitalia, your possessions, and your entire paycheck. After that, the woman will put those funds toward getting tattoos with some artificially uplifting phrase tattooed on her body and recording a shitty album that eventually rots in thrift stores across the land.

Listen to Bitch With a Bad Attitude

Standing Room Only - Pure Acappella

I seem to find at least one acappella album on every trip, and I hate myself for it each time. This one surprisingly doesn't contain a version of "Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye", but it does contain the usual culprits "Stand By Me", "Under The Boardwalk", and "My Girl". Then there's the not-so-usual culprits like "Moon Dance" (the Van Morrison song spelled incorrectly), "You Can Call Me Al", and... More Than Words by Extreme??? 

I really can't understand the logic behind owning an acappella album. It's good for ONE listen. Other than that, acappella groups belong on a street corner collecting money from strangers.

Listen to More Than Words

Listen to Will The Circle Be Unbroken (it's actually Johnny Cash's Daddy Sang Bass)

G Watson Organ

Ain't nothin' but a G thang!

Usually when I come across these Wilcox-Gay Recordio discs, they're so wrecked that they're not worth picking up. This one is actually in somewhat decent shape. It's too bad the content is crap. It's nothing but someone playing an organ from the other side of the room. My turntable won't play the whole thing without retracting the stylus, and I didn't feel like hooking up a capable turntable, so you get what you get. I've shoved both sides onto one file. It's not like this guy is the Jimi Hendrix of the Hammond or anything.

Listen to G Watson Organ

Gerry Bilton and the Redwood Band

According to the picture on the label, Gerry has no face. I suppose I could draw one in for the poor bugger.

I believe this is the only thing this guy released. He didn't get a record contract because these songs kinda suck. "Maybe She'll Look Good Again" is a song about getting drunk, taking some girl home, and then realizing how fucking ugly she is in the morning.

The flip side "Stay With Me Here Tonight" is the lyrical genius of a 15 year old who finally convinced his girlfriend to take her pants off but refuses to remove her panties. Poor Gerry.

Listen to Maybe She'll Look Good Again

Listen to Stay With Me Here Tonight

Willie and Rodi Longenecker - Grace Again

I've reviewed a couple of albums by these two in years past, and they never seem to get any better. They put a picture of their family and their home in Lake of the Woods on the other side of the cover because that's how good music is made. They also made sure that they put their location on the cover to counteract all those Willie and Rodi bootlegs that are apparently problematic.

According to this quote on the inside of the cover, Willie and Rodi have a really extensive and stressful touring schedule:

"Rodi and I have been traveling and singing in nursing homes, retirement communities, and churches"

It's a wonder they were able to find the time to record all 21 fucking songs on this album.

Listen to Crying In The Night

FMI - He Is The Man

So I finally got another album by FML. I reviewed one of their albums here, and little to nothing has changed. They have some pretty cool guitar licks that start the songs off, but it always turns into the same old pile of decomposing country music garbage with a really bad singer. Also, what the hell is with the seven minute song at the end of the album? This isn't fucking Led Zeppelin, this is some shit hole Christian band.

Listen to He Is The Man

Listen to Riding High

National Music Service, Inc - Secular Guitar #1

I bought this CD knowing absolutely nothing about it. I didn't even realize that it had a track listing on it. I guess that's what happens when you plow through the garbage CD piles like a madman. Anyway, I looked up this company, and I found a bit of information about the person who ran it...

"He helped transform the modern funeral with his Spokane-based National Music Service, which at one point supplied music for three-quarters of the funeral services held in the United States and Canada."

So what I have here is an entire CD of music that is played at funeral homes throughout North America. In case you're wondering, yes there is plenty of tremolo-filled organ on these tracks to put you in that "death in the family" mood.

The song "Love is Blue" used to be a beautiful, light and fluffy musical piece that would remind you of a beautiful woman. Now it's slow, miserable and will remind you of your dead uncle. "What a Wonderful World" used to be an uplifting song about life. Now it's a song about how your grandmother died in a puddle of her own piss. "My Way" used to be about success and survival, but now it reminds you of being buried in the ground with weeds growing over top of you. This CD does a spectacular job at ruining the classics for you.

Listen to What A Wonderful World

Listen to Love Is Blue

Derek & Dorothy - Soft & Easy

"Soft" is Derek's nickname and "Easy" is Dorothy's nickname. Derek plays guitar and Dorothy plays everything else (a Casio). They put mandatory reverb on everything to make it sounds like you're floating around in an artificial heaven.

Since these are all instrumentals, I was tempted to add my vocals to some of these to make them more interesting. I didn't, at least not this time.

Listen to Wind Beneath My Wings

Doug Brown - From The Heart

Albums covers are the best when someone uses a photo from a family trip from many years ago. The best thing I can say about this album is it doesn't sound like it was recorded with a tin can. However, it was probably recorded with Audacity because this album has that really dry digital sound with no effects added. Also, Doug has some hard P's, possibly because of his age, but also because he didn't throw a windscreen on his computer microphone.

Listen to Ask For The Ancient Paths

Buddy Wasisname and the Other Fellers - The Shed

This album absolutely failed to live up to its promises. The back of the album says "The best of Newfoundlan music and humour". The only thing they got right is Newfoundland. Half on the tracks are instrumentals, and they're not even funny instrumentals. The other half with vocal performances also isn't funny. This seems to be typical of albums that boast about how funny the are.

There is a parody of "Whiter Shade of Pale", but I can't understand the lyrics. Half of it is sung in a Donald Duck voice, because singing in a Donald Duck voice apparently makes everything funny. Must be a Newfie thing.

Listen to Whiter Shade of Pale

R-Passion - R-Music R-Way


This group of retired pirates joined together in a tin can and recorded an album of non-pirate music. Every single song fades in, and all of the songs cut off suddenly. This is one of the most stale mmmm-plop-plop bands I've ever heard, and I've heard a LOT of mmmm-plop-plop music. Half of this album is in French and therefore unlistenable. The other half is in English, and is also unlistenable.

Listen to You Are My Sunshine

Hank Williams - The Year of '84

Isn't this exciting? Hank Williams came back from the dead and recorded a really bad album. After such a long gap between recording sessions, it appears that poor Hank forgot how to sing. Apparently, a lengthy bout of death will do that to you. Also, could Hank jam any more shit onto this cover? He put the track listing, the credits, and a quote from somebody (possibly himself), but he didn't even put his name on it. You wouldn't even know this was a Hank Williams album unless you looked at the CD!

Listen to Bury That Man

Listen to There Is Time

Old Man Singing Ninety and Nine

Someone recorded their half-dead great grandfather singing a song called "The Ninety and Nine" while taking a bath. He probably drowned to death from a heart attack after he was done.

Listen to Ninety and Nine

There is plenty more to come from this Junq Tour. I have accumulated probably the biggest haul out of any of the other Junq Tours. Judging from how much I acquired, I may end up doing the exact same route for next year. Stay tuned for Austin!

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