Thursday, January 27, 2022

Junq Tour 2021: Plum Coulee

Take me down to Plum Coulee where the grass is green and the plums are purple! And now, here's some songs that are nowhere as good as Paradise City...

Bubba & The Bottom Feeders

Hey! What is talent doing on this CD? I mean, look at the cover. These guys should sound as shitty as their name and cover indicates. I want my money back!

They can play their instruments in time, they can sing, and the mix is decent. My only complaint is they write really lame comedy songs. If they actually put in the effort to write REAL songs, then I'd probably like this more. Apparently, this is a benefit album for people in the Banderas Bay area. I don't know what happened there, but I hope those in need got the help they needed.

On that sentiment, here's a heartfelt song for those who benefitted from the sale of this album

Listen to Asshole from Vallarta

Bobbi Lee - With Love from Mexico

New cover, same shit as one of her other albums. At least we get a disclaimer! Since this cover sucks, I can't help but wonder how bad the old cover was. Anyway, this is also a benefit album for those in the Banderas Bay area, but you wouldn't know it because Banderas is spelled incorrectly in the liner notes. Perhaps this was a scam for Bobbi to sell more albums.

Four songs are original, but they're just as bad as the covers. The sound is dull as shit and it sounds like it was recorded inside a sewer and then ran through a bad Audacity filter. We have Bob Carlson to blame for the sound quality since he was the producer. I hope Bobbi got a refund for how bad this thing sounds. On the plus side, she can sing better than Bob Dylan.

Listen to I'll Be Your Baby Tonight

MCI Vocal Ensemble 97-98 - Thank You

On the surface, this may look like a Velvet Underground & Nico tribute album, but I was unable to peel off the bananas. Talk about a lost opportunity! 

Apparently Ian Loeppky is the absolute shiznit when it comes to directing. Anything he directs turns into a banana.

Guess what? It's an acapella album! There's been a lot of these thing on this year's junq tour, and I hate each and every one of them. I didn't know any of the songs on here, so I picked the Boyz II Men song and had to search out the original because I've never had the desire to listen to Boyz II Men. Honestly, the original version is pretty fun. The MCI version is lame, but that should be expected.

Listen to Thank You

Easy T's Live - Acapella Run Amuck

Oh fucking hell, not another one. Surprisingly, it doesn't have "Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye" on it. However, it DOES have "Under The Boardwalk", "Stand By Me" and "My Girl" on it. Personally, I'd like to hear acapella versions of "Jesus Build My Hotrod", "Welcome to Planet Motherfucker", "Painkiller", or even "Balls To The Wall". I'm tired of the same old acapella shit.

Their version of Roy Orbison's "Only the Lonely" is atrocious. They try and make it funny, but nobody should be doing that. The song isn't supposed to be funny, but what do you expect from a bunch of wheat munchers from Brandon, Manitoba?

Listen to Only The Lonely

Call Me & Other Hits of Al Green / Super Rock: A Tribute to Al Green

Hey look! It's a collection of songs that Al did after his sex change and skin bleaching! You'd swear that his real name was Michael. Apparently, nobody could decide on what to call this thing, so they put two titles on it. Pick whichever one you like more.

In case you couldn't tell, this is a fake Al Green collection. This tape is devious because it has absolutely no mention of these being recorded by a bunch of studio musician hacks. The only clue that this is trash is the generic picture of the secretary on the cover. I can't even tell you where this secretary works since no company is mentioned on the label.

I'm not very familiar with Al Green's music. Unfortunately, I couldn't find the original version of "So You're Leaging" so instead I used one of his most well known songs. After comparing it with the original version, this one is pure mushy crap.

Listen to Let's Stay Together

Marcella and Doc - The Next Generation

This must be their greatest hits album since the sound quality on the recordings are all over the map. The first two sound like they're pulled from a scratchy vinyl LP. The third song sounds like it's from a cruddy old cassette. Every song seems to make you want to guess where it was recorded. The only professionally recorded song is the last one, but it's a piece of shit country song nobody cares about. At least I can say that listening to this was an adventure!

Listen to Family Tradition

Listen to Ring of Fire

Gospel Pioneers - Thank-You Lord

Where's the cover? Did Silver Shit Streams forget to make one, or did the last owner wipe his ass with it? On the plus side, this is our second album with the phrase "Thank You" in the title. You're not fucking welcome.

The playing is bad, the singing is bad, and the songs are bad. They're all interchangeable with how awful they are. Sometimes I wonder if Silver Streams is just one crappy band who performs under a million different names. I'm honestly blown away with how much shit is in their catalog and how many idiots bought these tapes.

Listen to Home in Heaven

Martin Van Hal - Gospel Singer

He should have called himself "Martin Van Hat".

Take twelve cats running across a piano and a guy who gargles water while singing, and you get this pile of shit. I can't understand what the fuck he's singing about. As for what notes and chords are being played on the piano, I'd have to say it's all of them. This is probably the most fucked up sounding album from the entire Junq Tour.

The best part of this album is Martin's hat. However, it probably stinks as bad as this album.

Listen to Someday

DVD: Close2My [heart] Wraps

If you want to strangle your infant, then this product is for you! Here's a page from the included manual:

I have to admire this single mom for trying to start a home business making things to carry your baby around, but aren't there a ton of regulations on this shit? Everything about this DVD screams "LAWSUIT!" There's all kind of warnings angrily vomited all over the packaging. Remember, if you strangle your baby using this product, it's your fault.

Anyway, here's a couple of screenshots:

Oh look! A doggie! Why doesn't she wrap him in that thing? Dogs don't suffocate as easily as babies.

One more stop! Altona's always rich with rewards, so that's where we're headed...

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