Tuesday, January 18, 2022

Junq Tour 2021: Winkler (Gospel Echoes)

This thrift store gets a gold star for carrying the worst albums ever released in Manitoba, the majority being on the Silver Streams label. With two valuable metals being mentioned in the same sentence, we should get to the reviews...

Paul Holmberg - Built For Glory

Looks like he's built for business in the front and a party in the back. He also looks like a reject from the Crash Test Dummies. The limited liner notes are filled with typos because apparently neither spell check nor proofreading existed in 1995. What a cave we lived in.

Paul sings like John Denver, but with worse songs and less passion. All this music sounds the bloody same which is something I absolutely detest with any album. You have an hour or so of time on a compact disc, so why don't you fill it with variety? Instead, we get the same boom-chicka-boom country shit across the whole fucking thing. The only exception is the weather report at the beginning which is the most interesting part of the album. On the plus side, he can sing and the mix is done well.

Listen to the weather report

Listen to Build My Mansion

Sharon Bethel Quartet - Home Is Where The Heart Is

It's always exciting when I pick up a sealed album because I have to wonder what horrible secrets the previous owner (if any) left locked up. Well, this one certainly had a secret it didn't want to reveal. First of all, it didn't want to open when I peeled the cellophane off. I had to pry the fucking case with a screwdriver to get it open. Then I found out why I had such a problem...

The disc was stuck to the fucking insert. Since the disc retainer was new and strong, it didn't want to let go. I'm guessing the ink on the insert was still fresh when they sealed this up, and it glued itself to the disc. Sadly, I shall never find out what interesting things needed to be said in the liner notes. However, not much needs to be said since this is another fucking acapella album. There have been way too many of these on this trip.

Listen to Then The Angels Broke The Silence

Joannie - In Memory Of

Joannie's back! We haven't seen an album from her in a long time. I thought I had covered all her albums here, but I guess she fart squeaks another one into my hands every now and then.

Joannie decided to record a new album after a couple of people in her life died. That's kinda pointless since the dead people aren't going to be around to enjoy the songs that were written about them. So how are the songs? Awful as usual. The piano player's right arm appears to be asleep. The rest of the band is so overwhelmed with Joannie's terrible outfit that they can't focus on how well they're playing their instruments. Joannie has the absolute worst taste in clothing. I can't imagine anybody else wearing the shit that she's always dressed in, unless you're in an episode of Little House on the Prairie.

Listen to Touch Me Lord

Pure Gospel Gold - Plautdietsche Leida Vol.2

This is a German album, but I bought it because it's on the Silver Streams label. I have to hand them credit, they did a really good job of adding the sound effect of someone peeing on a plastic bag throughout the whole album. I wonder if the plastic bag pee sound is also featured on volume one? I shall have to seek it out.

Now, we all must take a moment and thank Jim for the use of his guitar. Apparently the use of his guitar was so important that it needed to be mentioned in the liner notes. Without Jim, all we'd be listening to is someone peeing on a plastic bag. Too bad the person peeing on the bag isn't mentioned in the liner notes.

So here's a German version of Blue Eyes Crying in the fucking Rain. At least, that's what it sounds like.

Listen to Een Schiena Dach

Lange Family - Gospel Ship

This should have been called "Gospel Shit".

I tried to review an album by the Lange Family back in 2020, but the case had a recording of a Kevin Harcourt album in it. Since the release of Gospel Ship, the Lange family fucked like rabbits and added three more kids to their band. 

All the instruments are credited inside the album except for the drums. So who the hell is playing the drums? Is it a pirate on the gospel ship? Is it God? Is it Kevin Harcourt? Regardless of who it is, they're a terrible drummer and they seem to speed up as they play.

Listen to Gospel Ship

Teichroeb Family - Harvest Wind

Apparently, the Teichroeb family wanted to go take a picture in the forest, but we all know forests are extinct so they had to be photoshopped into a picture of a forest. I'm guessing that Silver Streams did the photoshopping themselves since they seem to have a knack for doing shitty work.

The quality of the album cover is a good indication of what the music sounds like - poorly done. If you didn't know it was a Christian album, you'd think it was an album about a passionate night of sex. It features songs such as "Somebody Touched Me", "Forever on my Knees", "He Holds Me in His Hand", and "Somebody's Knocking". I'm guessing "Harvest Wind" is another way of describing a pussy fart.

Listen to Somebody Touched Me

Listen to Forever On My Knees

Listen to Somebody's Knocking

Wally Whitehead - I'll Not Be Defeated

What the fuck happened to his guitar? Oh wait, he's Wally Whitehead. That's pimple puss all over it.

It's not often we get to experience truck driver Christian music, but here it is in all it's glory. Wally half talks and half sings his way through every song. He appears to have eaten the reverb unit since there are no effects on his vocals.

Sadly, Wally was in fact defeated when he died in 2015. All we have is this shitty album to remember him by.

Listen to Jesus Is The Sweetest Person Name I Know

Download the whole thing!

The Penners - Ekj Jleijch Tom Saajen To Senne

Silver Streams apparently doesn't give a fuck if they forget the letter "s" at the end of the word "streams". It's that, or "Silver Stream" is a subsidiary of "Silver Streams". The most likely answer is that the people at Silver Streams don't give a shit if they spell their record label's name correctly.

This album is in German, but it doesn't mean you can't pick out the people in the family with no talent. Don't they tune their instruments? Don't they tune their women? What in the hell is this barf-fest of noise? Didn't anybody (including the "engineers" at Silver Stream) lean over to the dipshits playing the guitars and say "You both need to go home because you and your Mickey Mouse guitars are ruining everything"? I'm pretty sure most people would remove this tape from their deck and smas it with a hammer. I'd seriously love to know how much Silver Stream charged their customers for this awful piece of trash.

Listen to Jesus Muak Mie Loos

Listen to Ekj Woa Horchen

Book: Avoiding Drugs

The joke's on Walmart... The happy face is covering the bong. Anyway, this book has some pretty fun pictures in it, so let's take a look...

Tommy isn't getting an inheritance because cigarettes cost $16 per pack. Judging from that ashtray, there's about $40 in there.

Sue's aunt was good friends with Bill Cosby too.

Sue needs to put her magic sparkly hat back on to make her headache go away. She also needs another Rolling Rock to wash down her pride.

How many drunken Aunts does Sue have? Also, with a glass that full, why isn't she just drinking straight from the bottle?

These are real situations that every child on the planet is put through on a weekly basis. Therefore, here's some great answers that won't get you beat up or laughed at.

After checking all the audio files to make sure they work, I realize how sad the country music genre is. So many of these songs sound the same! Anyway, that's it for Winkler. We still have a couple more stops before the end of the Junq Tour. Next, we'll be visiting Plum Coulee! Wheee!!!

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