Thursday, November 3, 2022

Junq Tour 2022: St. Malo

Hey! Long time no write! That's because I've been busy going through the massive amount of crummy albums I picked up during the Junq Tour and digitizing the bulk of what I intend to post. Theoretically, the entries should be flowing quite easily from this point on, but life has it's way of fucking with me from time to time. Things break and I'm the only one around to fix them. When I'm dead, the whole world will just explode and the martians will be happy that I'm no longer beaming these crappy songs across the universe.

Anyway, we went to the Family Thrift Store in St. Malo this year. It's a fairly new thrift store that is apparently going to shut it's doors anytime soon. Let's give a salute for the "amazing" music I found there...

Aloha Shapes - Hula Hawaii

The best thing you can get when you're in Hawaii is a compact disc in the shape of a mushroom. However, don't try to play this thing in your car stereo or it will self-destruct, and I don't blame it one bit. This CD is boring and there's only four songs on it. I don't know who the fuck is singing on this, but I hope somebody throws a coconut at him if he does it in public. 

As a side note, Weird Al has better Hawaiian shirts than the one this CD is supposed to represent.

Listen to Maui Waltz

Rock Power Drums

From what I can tell, this was a book & cassette kit that taught you how to drum. The best part about this tape is the crappy Casio keyboard that sings the lyrics for you. The drumming seems to be a bit clumsy on the Great White song, but maybe it's just me being too critical because I'm not sure that it's real drums. The high hat sounds very artificial. The Guns N' Roses song "Paradise City" isn't quite right. The spot where Axl holds his note goes on for an extra two measures, probably because you can't change time signatures on a fucking Casio.

I mean, I guess it's not terrible that things like this existed back in the day when there was no internet, no youtube, and no drum teachers. Instead, your hard-earned money paid for something that was just "good enough". You were most likely better off trying to figure out the drum parts yourself.

Listen to Paradise City

Listen to Once Bitten Twice Shy

Bullit - The Rap Game Raised Me

The rap game did a shitty job of raising Mr. Bullit.

The rap CDs I picked up on this Junq Tour are quite possibly the worst rap albums I've ever heard. This CD came in a plain jane blank CD case. I honestly don't think there's many copies of this out there. I like how Mr. Bullit colored the center of the CD label with a sharpie. I guess the rap game taught him how to color as well. 

As for the music... It's hilariously bad! I can't take a guy seriously who's just rambling on about his dead uncle. Nothing gives you more street cred than whining like a fucking baby. Yes, its sucks that your uncle died, but the rest of us don't need to suffer through your interpretation of it.

Listen to the dead uncle song

Doug Gabriel - Three Album Special

Nothing makes me more miserable than having a box set to review. This one isn't as intensive as the 12 album collection I review by Donald Bradburn, and I'm very thankful for that. These three albums were painful enough!

Hailing from Branson Missouri (because they've embraced birthing terrible music albums), we have this fucking hack trying to perform your favourite hits. One album from his wife or sister (or both) is included in this box set, and it's so unspectacular that I completely skipped over it. Doug's performances are crummy at best. His version of "Pretty Woman" (with the missing "oh" at the beginning) is enough to give Roy Orbison a second heart attack. Doug tries to do the growl in the song and it sounds like he's coughing up a hairball.

Doug's instrumental album is called "Exhausting & Exhilarating". He should have just left it at "exhausting". The lackluster version of "Sleepwalk" reminds me of trying to learn "Red River Valley" from my school's guitar theory book. It's the most bland version of the song I've ever heard.

And finally, I present Doug's version of "Wind Beneath My Wings" because fuck you.

Listen to Pretty Woman

Listen to Sleepwalk

Listen to Wind Beneath My Wings

On November 16th, I will be returning to Amateur Hour with Kent Davies to broadcast the worst garbage I found on the Junq Tour. Make sure you tune into CKUW 95.9 FM at 5:00pm CT for the glorious mess that will make everybody hate radio.

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