Junq Tour 2011: Steinbach

Steinbach is a pretty big town full of Mennonites. Understandably, the thrift store was LOADED with Christian stuff. I really didn't need to be walking out with an armful of crap that wasn't worthy of being posted, so I had to choose my items wisely. Choosing bad Christian items wisely isn't easy because pretty much everything looked terrible. Therefore, I had to choose items that were excessively terrible. Here's what I got:

Video: The Public Life of Sissy Pike


I don't know what I was expecting with this video. Her name should be "Sissy Puke" because I was doing plenty of that after I finished watching this tape. The text "Do not induce vomiting" should have been splashed on the back of the box instead of "A look into the drama of a teen girl's life!" I was hoping she would become a crack dealer or get anal fucked by the pastor or something (ANYTHING) remotely interesting. The truth is, there's no real plot and the entire video consists of petty, pointless bickering amongst teenage girls. Well, except for Miss Puke here. She's a good little pastor's daughter.

There were two boys she could have fucked in this video. The first was a boy who kept coming to the door for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Early in the video, it's made understood that he has a boner for Sissy and is going to be a major player in the drama. He only appears briefly two more times after his initial appearance which made me wonder what the goddam point was for his existence.

The second boy was this kid in her youth group. He hid his bulging penis quite well throughout this movie, and then completely dropped off the radar. There was a lot of off-screen premature ejaculation to be had while this thing was filmed, and it would have made better content than the corny piss-fest that dominated the duration of this shitty VHS tape.

I've forever lost this hour out of my life, and now YOU have to hear me bitch and whine about it because I bought this shit to entertain YOU. I work so bloody hard, screening this crap for YOUR enjoyment. Meanwhile, I'm getting older and that flat spot on my forehead is getting flatter from banging it against my coffee table, watching these retarded Christian videos. I blame Jesus for this lost time. If he didn't influence the assholes who made this video, I'd be reviewing something cool.


All The Kids: Stories for All The Family


Moving on, I can cheerfully say that this is a great record! It has three stories on it, each meant to teach children valuable life lessons. Here's the quote from the back of the record:

"All the Kids" is a family album designed for enjoyment by all the kids and their moms and dad, too. Professional performers dramatize the action, and each story draws from the problems and adventures of boys and girls in real life. This true-to-life action, together with imaginative sound effects and music, is a combination sure to keep even the liveliest youngsters close to the record player for many hours of happy listening.

Considering that the album isn't even an hour long, I'm guessing the guy who wrote that had no clue what the fuck he was talking about. The voice acting is atrocious, the dramatic 1950s music induces black & while hallucinations, and the stories are laughably retarded. The sound effect used for footsteps is identical to the noise of banging a rock on the kitchen table. Here's a brief summary of what we've got here:

1) Inasmuch
This is a story about a dead mom who's husband becomes a drunk, starves his children, and the happy ending has the children going to live with their estranged aunt while their father is left to rot in the gutter. (clip here)

2) Prayer-Planks
I have no clue what this is about because I was too busy laughing at the terrible British and Japanese accents. (clip here)

3) Teenage Dupe
Much to this emotionally tormented mother's grief, her 20 year old son gets thrown into jail for ripping off his employer. (clip here)

If your idea of fun is giving your kids nightmares, I've taken the liberty of digitizing the whole thing. Please use the comments section to tell me how this record has made them victims of their bad dreams.

Download the entire thing here!


Ashtray Lamp


This is extremely cool! I paid a whole $4 for this item. After a bit of research, I found out that it was manufactured by Beauceware sometime around 1963.

The ashtray part has two extra compartments: one for your cigarettes, and one for your beer.

And here it is, happily lighting up a room.

Now, I'm off to learn how to smoke. Hey, I gotta take it for a test drive!

My Own Tunes

The stupidity is endless when I'm out garage sale shopping. Look at what I bought during the Summer:



17 cassettes that have essentially the same song on each of them with only the name changed on each. I ended up with two copies of "Sean". There's more in the series, and unfortunately the one with my name isn't in this batch. These were made by a company called "Kidselebration" and I remember seeing them sold in novelty shops back in the 90s.

I love the packaging. It boasts that there's 28 minutes of songs, but half of that is repeated because both sides are the same. That's like selling a CD boasting "68 Minutes of Iron Butterfly" with In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida repeated four times. Not only that, you get to hear your name 23 times. Now, is that 23 times during the entire 28 minutes, or 23 times non-repeated? It must be non-repeated because side one would then consist of saying your name 11 1/2 times. It might be difficult to do that with the name "Brett".

I suppose I could come out with a crappy song tape that says your name 26 times, then I could brag, "Hear your name three more times than the other leading brand!" I'd probably have to use different names like "Dweezil" and "Terri-Lynn" to avoid a lawsuit from Kidselebration.

For you idiots who happened to name your daughter Trevor, you're in luck because as the back of the box says, "the songs do not refer specifically to boys or girls, so names can work for either." On top of that, the "names are not spelled in the songs" so if you're like me and your parents fucked up the spelling of your name (I'm looking at you Reychalle) then you won't be crying because the stupid tape only spells your name wrong on the label.



The price tag on the back of these is marked at $8.99 each. I didn't even pay that much for the whole shot! Personally, I think $8.99 for 28 minutes of songs which is actually 14 minutes of songs is a rip-off.

The songs are awful, but I think that's expected when you look at the age range on the package and consider the name and gender neutrality that comes with it. Anyway, here's the first song on the Rachel tape. I personally don't have the tolerance (nor the time) to post the other crappy songs.

Listen to You'll Go Far (With Lots of Heart) ... The Rachel version

Update (Jan 8, 2012): Due to the large demand, I've turned all the cassettes into MP3s. They are available in the download section. If I find more of them out in the wild, I'll make them available. Feel free to post the direct links on Facebook! :)

Junq Tour 2011: Brandon

Brandon is the wheat-picking capital of the world. It is also home to Brandon University where you can get educated and certified as a qualified wheat-picker. Brandon's thrift stores are always a hit or miss. This round was mostly a miss, but I did find a couple of things that weren't worth buying, but like the stupid dumbass that I am, I bought them anyway.

Kathy Bender - Can't You See God's Fingerprints?


After her previous album entitled "Can't You Smell God's Farts" was a total flop, Kathy ventured into a cave, recorded this album, and killed Goliath by boring him to death with this lousy music. There's nothing worth hearing on this album, so let's move on.


The Chuck Fulmore Trio - Happy!


There are a couple of typos on this album cover. It should be called "Crappy! The Fuck Chulmore Threesome" It's a dreadfully shitty Christian album with a ridiculous cover. I guess the Lord doesn't give Chuck a dental plan because those teeth are on par with my rotting leftover Halloween pumpkin. The younger woman is trying to camouflage in the field with her floral dress, and the old lady looks like a man with a bad wig. I'm really tired of buying boring Christian albums and reaping nothing for supporting the Lord's music. He could at least make these guys funny. Yet again, nothing good to be found here.

Hits a Go Go


Ah! We always get something good off an album from the Arc label. What surprised me about this one is they mentioned the artists who are performing on this poopy platter. We've got hit-makers such as Sam the Ham, Buddy, Buddy & Me, Jo Jo, Jay & The Juniors, and a bunch of other cream-chuggers. The quote on the back of the album says:

Hey Guys and Gals, - Let's have a go go party. Here are all the latest hits, in the original rendition, performed by some of America's greatest Nite-Club entertainers. They're great, and you'll love them. The beat is there and the original hit sound. All we need is you and some friends for a swingin' party. So grab this one and let's "move it".

Personally, if I want a "swingin' party", I'll listen to the song by The Replacements. If I wanted to "move it", I'll listen to the song by Great White. And no Arc, I don't love these shitty performers. They suck. Check out the harmonies on this atrocious recording:

Listen to "Catch Us If You Can"


Black's Photography DVD


I'd never seen one of these before. There were two of them at the thrift store, and at two bucks a pop, I wasn't going to risk buying two pieces of shit I didn't want. Turns out, this was probably the best find and I'm regretting not picking up the other one. This DVD contains someone's 8mm home movies made during the 1960s.

The following video is a collection of kids opening Christmas toys. I was able to pinpoint the second segment of the video being Christmas 1965 by identifying the Tonka Toy that the boy opens. The audio track is taken from "Christmas with The Chippers" which was released on our beloved (and ever-so-shitty) Arc label in 1963, giving this video some authentic for-the-time audio. This new soundtrack makes the film much more enjoyable (the old soundtrack was blank), and it includes The Chippers' atrocious and horribly abrasive version of "Jingle Bells"

With Christmas coming up, this video is sure to warm the hearts of all you old crunch-bags who remember 1965.



Just as a side note, I'm backed up quite badly with my Junq Tour entries and I haven't been in "writing mode" as of late. Therefore, I need to light a fire under my ass and hope I don't fart while getting the rest of my magnificent findings up for you to enjoy.

Candid Pics: 11/10/18

It's been a while since I posted random pictures of crap. I've got a few that have been rotting on my phone, so I figured it's time to reveal them to the world.


The Ayn Rand of couriers


This was taken last Halloween while trick-or-treating


Someone defaced this poor Abba Greatest Hits album before giving it to the thrift store.


Faggot Ken doll in the bargain bin.


Instead of fixing your patio blocks, cram a bunch of broken DVD players and satellite receivers in the empty space.


I don't remember where the fuck I took this picture


More random writing in the dirt on someone's vehicle

Junq Tour: Rosetown, SK

Guess what? I replaced my stereo amplifier! I can listen to blog entries in full blown quadraphonic sound again! And they sound great! Well, as great as a 92 year old man who has pain while peeing, but the groans of agony are crystal clear! I picked up a beautiful Sansui AU-6600 for ten bucks, and it's been a pretty decent replacement for my old Acoustic Research amp.

Rosetown, Saskatchewan is where my brother and his family live. I never knew they had a thrift store there. It was absolutely loaded with crappy albums that nobody wanted, and I had to pick wiseley or I'd end up spending $30-$40 on a big pile of garbage that I wouldn't bother posting. I still ended up with crap I don't wanna post, so those lovely thrift store people can rejoice for reeling in a sucker like me.


Saskatchewan Express - Hello World!


People in Saskatchewan seem to really love their province, while those of us in Manitoba hate ours. This tape was recorded by a group of performers who apparently put on a musical about Saskatchewan. Personally, I think making a musical about Saskatchewan is on par with making a musical about cellophane, but what the fuck do I know? I generally hate musicals.

Now, I could've put up the cover of Michael Jackson's "Heal The World" (which is just as bad as the original) but I decided to put up a song called The Saskatchewan Blues. It's not incredibly amusing, but since Saskatchewanian music doesn't seem to drift outside of Saskatchewan very often, I figured it was appropriate to start off the entry with this one.

Listen to The Saskatchewan Blues


Streetnix - Listen


I really didn't know what to expect when I bought this CD. It has got a bunch of covers songs on it, so I figured it was probably going to be some shitty cover band from Saskatoon. All I can say is that they're not really a band. It's an a-capella barber shop group doing covers of Creedence Clearwater Revival, Queen, Elvis, and a few others. Surprised the hell out of me!

My biggest debate was whether to post their ultra-shitty Beatles medley (which is REALLY fucking bad) or post a track I actually like. I went with the latter for a change. I have to say that I really do enjoy this track, but it's floating in a sea of barber shit.

Listen to U2's Mysterious Ways done a-capella


The Waldners Messengers For Jesus - He Took My Place


Look at the superstars on the cover of this one! There's Clara, Susanna, Lenard, and a bunch of other assholes. None of their last names appear on this album except for Mike who enjoys singing sexy duets with John. This is a Country & Western Christian album, so you get twice the reason to go into a deep depression and kill yourself after listening to this miserable thing. The cool thing about this album is if you re-arrange the song titles, you come up with a story...

I hear the lord is coming
Up calvary's hill
Just over yonder.
Yes he walked.
How Great thou art,
Wounded soldier.
He took my place,
He wrote my name.
He spelled it wrong,
That motherfucker.

Okay, so I made the last two up. It was getting boring so I had to make the Lord do something more interesting than just walking around looking for worship.

Listen to a really bad Johnny Cash parody


Three Shitty Albums by The Kevin Quist Family




I think I bought their entire discography. Each tape will induce holy yawns as you fall asleep to this boring country gospel music. The best thing about owning these is you get to see their kids grow up on the album covers. The first one was printed on Fujicolor paper.

Nothing decent to extract from these albums so let's move on...


Carl Boyd - Iron Grease & Steam


Since we can't seem to get enough of trashing the Johnny Cash classic "Folsom Prison Blues" by adding shitty Christian lyrics, here it is again. It starts off like any of the other shitty albums in this entry, and Carl's improvised "Wooohooooo" train sound just makes me laugh. But the last verse has been raped and has left a gay priest's cum dribbling from his cellmate's ass. With that picture firmly planted in your head, I hope you enjoy this violation from "Anal Grease & Cream"

Listen to ANOTHER bad Johnny Cash cover


Gayle McCulloch - Let Climax Shine


When you climax onto the bedspread in the pale moonlight, it shines! When you play country and western music on the organ, nobody climaxes and people leave frustrated. This is a boring CD and not worth the two bucks I paid for it. Gayle autographed the inlay card with "Enjoy the tunes, thanks!" I guess whoever had this CD before me didn't enjoy it either.


Arnie - A Tribute To Hank - My Inspiration


Yes, I found another goddam tape by this guy. It seems that he's sold more albums than Nazareth because I've seen more fucking Arnie tapes than copies of Razamanaz. Instead of playing the plunger on this album, Arnie sings. For the benefit of us all, Arnie should just stick to toilet music because his voice sounds butt-squeaking awful.

More of Arnie's albums can be found HERE and HERE and there's another one I haven't posted yet.

Listen to Arnie squeak out "Your Cheatin' Heart"


The Greengrass Bros. - MORE Great Classics


After listening to a chunk of side two, I wasn't going to post anything by these guys. However, a brief switch over to side one made me changed my mind. It seems that the master tape this was copied from is buggered up, and all the songs have this hilarious warble to them! I am convinced that this error in the copying process has made the album a thousand times more enjoyable. So enjoy lighting up a doobie with the SmokingGreenGrass Bros and listen to their warped and fucked up version of "My Bonnie".

Listen Here!


Now, to finish off the blog entry, here's a video from my nephew who will show you how to make yourself a tasty lunch that's not even fucking close to being nutritious.