Christmas Favorites Nobody Wants

I figured I'd sneak in one more entry before Christmas...

One of the local thrift stores had a stack of still-sealed Christmas CDs on their Christmas shelf. From my experience, almost everything in a thrift store that's still sealed is garbage nobody wants. I took a browse through the stack and it was most certainly interesting!

These were not audio CDs as I'd thought. They were VCDs. I was a bit hesitant to pick these up since my experience with VCDs has been pretty spotty. They played in my girlfriend's DVD player fine, but they sure as fuck don't work in my computer. Who the hell still manufactures VCDs anyway? (Answer: Malaysia)

The packaging is pretty magnificent...



There's nothing all that special about this copy of "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town". I own it on DVD. It's like the retarded brother of "Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer". The thing that caught my eye about this VCD and got me excited was this:



See the error? Honestly, I would have been more excited about getting "The Best of Countre & Western Songs" instead of the animated special. There is a good chance I'll never find the disc that the error was derived from (which was likely a karaoke VCD), but I can dream!



Well, well, look at this artwork! A square blurry wreath, and a title glowing with green toxic waste. There were about six volumes of this, but I only picked up the first one. I don't need all six.



These are all public domain Christmas specials that nobody wants to watch, all encoded with Dolby Digital which I'm guessing was the standard back in the 1940s. The crowning jewel of this one was stupidly titled "Santa in Animal Land" which was made in 1948. This was from Santa's glam days, as he wore heavy eye-liner while touring with David Bowie.



This special was creepy as hell and has completely ruined the magic of Christmas for me, at least for this year. If you want to watch it, it's readily available on Youtube. There, I just ruined your Christmas too.

Anyway, I'm off to drink copious amounts of alcohol to try and forget the horrors of Santa in Animal Land. I shall see you after Christmas is done, and I've hopefully sobered up by then.

These Christmas Albums Suck, Pa Rum-Pum-Pum Pum

I've been bitten by the techie bug for the first time in a long time, so I've been busy working on some larger projects. Of course I've been taking pictures of what I'm doing, and fully intend of posting them here. However, that's not going to happen until I'm finished at least one of the three projects that I've become engulfed in.

In the meantime, let's cover some Christmas goodies! Each of these albums are offensive on a different level, so feel free to close your eyes while reading this magical Christmas entry.


The Golden Ring - Little Drummer Boy



What better way to market your Christmas album than to use child pornography! We have a very unhappy naked little boy on the album cover, wearing nothing but a drum. Shame on the art director for traumatizing this poor kid.

Yes, this is our friends at the Arc record label again. The first thing I did after playing the title track was start investigating the seemingly problematic audio connection that was happening on the right channel of my stereo. After playing a different album from a reputable record company, I realized that the problem wasn't in my stereo, but from some defect that took place while Arc was mastering this pedopilic piece of junk (is "pedophilic" even a word?) The problem seems to be present on side one only. Perhaps someone at Arc plugged the right channel output into their asshole by mistake.

The performances on the album aren't awful, but they're not remarkable either.

Listen to Little Drummer Boy


Venus Envy - I'll Be a Homo For Christmas



I brought this tape with me last Christmas when I made an appearance on Amateur Hour with Kent Davies. It's been a while since I've done that. Perhaps in the new year, I'll pay Kent another visit with more goodies.

Anyway, this album seems to have a general gay theme throughout these re-written Christmas songs. While the songs are somewhat amusing, I feel that it was a bit underwhelming. Just think about all the fun you could have doing a Christmas album with a band called "Venus Envy". It's only about half as good as the idea. The only win was the song titles. We've got "Lesbians We Have Heard On High", "The 12 Gays of Christmas", "Rhonda the Lesbo Reindeer", and "Silent Dyke" Trust me, the songs are sadly not as amusing. One listen of this album is worth a cheap laugh (and you'll only get it on the first listen) and then it's time to record over it with the William Hung Christmas album.

I still have to give credit where credit is due: Venus Envy released this on their own record label. It's a very well packaged product and the sound quality is top notch. Next time, they should get ME to write their songs. I promise it'll live up to it's expectations!

Listen to Rhonda the Lesbo Reindeer


Switched On Santa: The Moog Synthesizer Plays The Merriest of Christmas Favourites



If Pickwick earned an award for this album, it would've been for the longest name given to a piece of shit. Look at the expression on Santa's face. He's saying "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO HERE???" These are truly stale renditions of Christmas songs done during the very short-lived height of the Moog fad. There's nothing that says "Grandma playing at a Christmas funeral" more than this tape. The mood the Moog portrays on this album is one of a very depressing, dreary Christmas.

This is another album I poisoned the airwaves with during the Amateur Hour Christmas special.

And now, I leave you and your families with a very miserable, unhappy medley of Christmas favourites. You get all of program 4 on this sad, sad Pickwick 8-track.

Listen to it!


I'm going to try and get part 2 of my 2011 Christmas Special video up on Youtube. Remember how fun and entertaining the first part was? The feedback was good enough, so part 2 is now a necessity. Stay tuned!

I Bought These For The Album Covers

Sometimes I'll come across albums with covers that will make me ask, "Who's idea was this???" I'm bringing three of them here for you. Sometimes you can't judge an album by it's cover. In this particular case, you probably should.


A Sentimental Journey with Walter Weber



Someone slapped an old picture of Grampy on the cover. Looks like he didn't really want to have his picture taken. To be honest, side one of this record isn't too terrible. It's mostly instrumental guitar stuff which would be perfectly fine to have playing in the background while you're entertaining a bunch of old ladies who are more than eager to buy your tupperware. Occasionally, Mike Watt shows up to sing a song. Well, at least it SOUNDS like Mike Watt.

As for side two, ummmm.... well... I dunno. I can't play it. The grooves seem to be inverted for some reason. The record has a very rough texture on this side, but there's obviously something there. I suppose the only way to play it properly is to pour a bunch of glue onto it, wait for it to dry, peel it off, and then throw it on a turntable.

Listen to I Walk The Line
Listen to some inverted grooves!
Download the whole album!


Mike Labao - We The Children



There were about ten copies of this at the thrift store. As for the cover... Well it looks like someone drank a bunch of tequila, washed it down with some cans of paint, and then barfed all over the wall..

Remember what I said about people with disabilities in the past? If you need a refresher, I said "just because you have a disability, it doesn't mean you can sing." Thankfully, Mike Labao took my advice and didn't sing a single note on here. All he did was write the Michael Jackson-esque lyrics. That guitar he's holding? It's just a prop. He doesn't play a single note on here either.

The worst part about this CD is that I'm still trying to justify paying $1.25 for a picture of Mike sitting in front of barf, and a CD with a song that's almost the length of a radio commercial. As for the music, it's a crappy reggae-ish number. I'm guessing all the people who played on this album were black, or at the very least THOUGHT they were black.

The good news is ever since Mike Labao became a massively popular songwriter, he gets all the bitches. Just look at the inlay card!



Listen to We The Children


Double Exposure - Locker Room



In case you're wondering, no I did NOT pay $20 for this piece of shit. It was in a box of records that an antique shop threw away. It's apparent that Disco does not and probably never will be classified as "antique". But try as we may, we cannot seem to erase that trashy and horrible blip in pop culture that occurred between 1977 and 1979.

Here we see a bunch of dudes hanging out in a locker room, each with their obvious preference for a particular sport. Since the album came out in 1979, you could say they look like a cheap imitation of The Village People. Okay, pretty harmless, right? But when you flip the album over and look at the back...



...it's a penis fest! These guys are all sweaty from playing hard, and now they're about to get oiled up and play even harder. Look at those big smiles! They know what's going to be sliding up each others' asses once the photographer gets the fuck out of there. Seriously, who's idea was this???

The best part about the back of the album is that the song titles are listed beside these four poofs. You know this album's 100% gay with songs like "I Got The Hots (For Ya)", "(Where Have You Been) All My Life", "Can We Be In Love", and "I Wish That I Could Make Love To You". Well, maybe you could make love to him if you took off those damn jock straps!

So here's a song for all you sweaty men who love other sweaty men. Feel free to curl up by the fireplace and fuck him in the crap chute to the beat of this groovy groove.

Listen to Can We Be In Love


And that's it for this entry of penises, unplayable records, and reggae songs that make you want to barf up paint. If you've been wondering why I've been away, it's because I've begun the huge undertaking of putting something special together for the 10th anniversary of this blog. More details to come in two years!

The House of Random Discography

I've spent days torturing myself with bad cover songs and dirt-quality vinyl records to bring you this discography.

The House of Random was a Winnipeg cover band (likely consisting of a constantly changing line-up). Their albums were recorded mainly by a group called "The Eternals" who founded Century 21 Studios. To the recording studio's credit, they produced some of the most kick-ass Canadian bands from the 70s and 80s.  Century 21 went tits up in 1998 (The band AC/DC bought the bulk of the recording equipment for their own studio, so I guess that says something.)

Surprisingly, there's a discography at rateyourmusic.com. Here's a screenshot I took of it which ironically displayed an ad for Gravol because they know these albums will make you puke:



Here's a bit of history on the whole thing if you care.

Then there's the history according to the back of 15 Big Hits Vol.3:


The backs of the record albums are pretty damn interesting. On the back of "15 Big Country Hits Vol.1" they gloat about how awesome they are for tricking people into buying their knock-off albums; so much that they apparently had three gold records.



Somewhere down the line, The H.O.R. albums went from being produced by CHIMO Records to CSP Productions (or is it the other way around?) but kept the same logo. It appears that RCA had a bit of a hand in the production of these albums.

The quality of the vinyl used for these albums is atrocious. I'd play one song, laugh at how bad it is, go to play it again for transferring, and it skips like I wrote "Fuck Winnipeg" on it with a piece of broken glass. After dealing with three of these records that either skip or sound like the groove walls are crumbling, I've come to the conclusion that the 8-track tapes are the definitive format to collect sound samples from. On the plus side, since the 8-tracks were distributed by RCA, the cartridge itself is the same quality as you'd find with any other RCA release; The splice is intact, the pressure pads are the spring & felt type, and there's a big fucking rivet holding the cartridge together, requiring you to use explosives to open it should you need to do some repair work. However, the labels were glued to the cartridges with nothing but hopes and dreams, which I'm finding is not very adhesive.

So I've decided to dedicate this entry to the entire discography of The House of Random, and random it is! You never know how shitty they're going to sound! I've touched on them in an earlier entry, but as time wears on and money exits my pockets, I find myself more interested in doing entire discographies on these pieces of crap that I find. The House of Random put out a lot of albums, and I keep finding myself frustrated with not knowing if I own the ones I encounter (I'm starting to find duplicates in my blog queue boxes). I'm currently missing four albums (as far as I know): 15 Big Hits Vol.2, 15 Big Country Hits Vol.2, 15 Big Country Hits Vol.4 and The Best of The Carpenters. They will be added once I find them. I'll also be replacing the shitty vinyl copies when I find the corresponding 8-tracks since they sound and play better.

So won't you join me in reviewing each album and hearing the butchered tracks? Yes? Well then, you shall hate yourself by the end of it...

15 Big Hits Series:

Vol. 1 (CSP1)
download link

01 - Up Around The Bend
02 - Which Way You Goin' Billy
03 - My Baby Loves Lovin'
04 - Yellow River
05 - United We Stand
06 - Ride Captain Ride
07 - The Wonder Of You
08 - Mama Told Me (Not To Come)
09 - Teach Your Children
10 - That Same Old Feelin'
11 - Mississippi
12 - Come To Me
13 - Born A Woman
14 - Cinnamon Girl
15 - Monster Mash

The album cover was done by Brigdens of Winnipeg, the same guys who made the Eatons Catalog!

It isn't enough that The House of Random is from Winnipeg, but they have to ruin another Winnipegger's music. Poor, poor Neil Young. Also, if you don't want any kids banging on your door this Halloween, playing this version of Monster Mash will surely have them running home to mommy.




Vol. 3 (9229-3) (8-TRACK)
download link

01 - I Am .... I Said
02 - Joy To The World
03 - Rainy Days and Mondays
04 - Me and You and a Dog Named Boo
05 - Put Your Hand In The Hand
06 - Lucky Man
07 - Eighteen
08 - I'll Meet You Halfway
09 - Stranger In My Place
10 - I Play and Sing
11 - Have You Ever Seen The Rain
12 - You're Gonna' Miss Me
13 - Theme from "Love Story"
14 - What Is Life
15 - Rose Garden

Lucky Man doesn't fade out and that keyboard solo is more annoying than the one in the original. The Alice Cooper song was recorded after a few drinks were had. The album cover was done by Avant Design (they still exist!)




Vol. 4 (8229-5) (8-TRACK)
download link

01 - Move Em' Out
02 - Hurtin' Each Other
03 - Never Been To Spain
04 - It's One Of Those Night
05 - Brand New Key
06 - Precious And Few
07 - Desiderata
08 - Sunshine
09 - Don't Say You Don't Remember
10 - Day After Day
11 - Cotton Jenny
12 - American Pie
13 - Cherish
14 - I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing
15 - White Lies, Blue Eyes

You've got a brand new pair of rollerskates, I've got a brand new 8-track by House of Random. I think you got the better deal. This version of American Pie is a tolerable 3:21 (including the dead space between songs)




Vol. 5 (CSP7)
download link

01 - Killing Me softly With His Song
02 - Cherry, Cherry
03 - Sing
04 - Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round The Ole Oak Tree
05 - The Night The Lights Went Out In Georgia
06 - Garden Party
07 - You're So Vain
08 - Also Sprach Zarathustra (2001)
09 - Danny's Song
10 - It Never Rains In Southern California
11 - Peaceful
12 - Don't Expect Me To Be Your Friend
13 - Last Song
14 - Baby Don't Get Hooked On Me
15 - Dueling Banjos

Cover was done by Brigdens of Winnipeg. Such talented people! And yes, they did Dueling Fucking Banjos. That was the last song they didn't write for you. That horn player sounds like he's overdosed on Nyquil.




Vol. 6 (CSP9)
download link

01 - We're An American Band
02 - Give Me Love (Give Me Peace On Earth)
03 - All I Know
04 - Get Down
05 - Say, Has Anybody Seen My Sweet Gypsy Rose
06 - Angie
07 - Delta Dawn
08 - Half Breed
09 - Loves Me Like a Rock
10 - The Morning After
11 - Ramblin' Man
12 - My Maria
13 - Yesterday Once More
14 - Jimmy Loves Mary-Ann
15 - You've Never Been This Far Before

Keep those album covers coming, Brigdens!
Angie is a sad shell of what she used to sound like. Here's a riddle... How many people does it take to make an extremely shitty cheap imitation album? The answer is 21. How do I know this? Because all everyone got credit on the back of the album:

15 Big Country Hits Series:

Vol. 1 (9229-4)
download link

01 - How Can I Unlove You
02 - Take Me Home Country Roads (skips)
03 - For The Good Times
04 - He's So Fine
05 - Snowbird
06 - Never Ending Song of Love
07 - Rose Garden (skips)
08 - Help Me Make It Through The Night (skips)
09 - I'm Just Me
10 - Pictures
11 - Singing My Song
12 - Sunday Morning Coming Down
13 - Good Enough To Be Your Wife
14 - Stranger In My Place
15 - Silver Sandals

The Vocal Delivery on Take Me Home Country Roads is actually nicely done. Too bad it skips like a dog with three legs. The artwork was done by DISPLAY PHOTO. Where was it on display?




Vol. 3 (CSP8)
download link

01 - Top Of The World
02 - don't Fight The Feelings Of Love
03 - Satin Sheets
04 - Ravishing Ruby
05 - Funny Face
06 - Woman (Sensuous Woman)
07 - Kids Say The Darndest Things
08 - Dueling Banjos
09 - You Were Always There
10 - The Farmer's Song (skips)
11 - What About Me (skips)
12 - Behind Closed Doors
13 - What's Your Mama's Name
14 - Baby Don't Get Hooked On Me (skips)
15 - Teddy Bear Song

Artwork done by "The Awarehouse". We actually have lots of dilapidated farms like that in Manitoba. Vinyl quality is the absolute shits here. I tried cleaning this record, and I cleaned some of the grooves off it. The songs skipped worse afterwards. I've never seen vinyl disintegrate like that before. Farmer's Song is worth listening to regardless of whether you know it and whether or not it's the original. And yes, you get to hear Dueling Banjos again.

Artist Series:

The House of Random Sings The Best of Anne Murray (CSP11)
download link

01 - Snowbird
02 - Danny's Song
03 - Cotton Jenny
04 - What About Me
05 - Stranger In My Place
06 - Put Your Hand In The Hand
07 - Love Song
08 - It Takes Time
09 - Sing High, Sing Low
10 - Fire And Rain
11 - Talk It Over In The Morning
12 - Robbie's Song For Jesus

Yes! You get to hear Snowbird, Cotton Jenny, and Danny's Song all over again! However, the mixes on here seem to be the original ones, as they sound more raw than the ones on the 15 Big Balls series. The artwork was done by The Awarehouse, and you can see how much effort they put into it (about 20 minutes). The quality of the vinyl's a bit better here, but the performances are not. Their rendition of "Put Your Hand In The Hand" hits a few wrong chords.

You'd think that H.O.R. would leave it up to the Arc label to do an entire Anne Murray tribute album. Well guess what? Arc never covered a single Anne Murray song, and here's why:



They fucking HAD Anne Murray!

If you put out enough albums by people nobody knows, you'll eventually hit a good one. Not only was Anne Murray cute back then, but the album's pretty good too! When she signed with Capitol, she turned into the sensible, well-dressed, boring crooner we've all come to ignore.

And that's it for this discography. I've got others I want to cover, but these take a while to put up. Perhaps I'll do a video for my next entry. Everybody loves movie time!

Canadian Home Shopping Club (aka The Shopping Channel) in 1988

 I was fascinated with the most bizarre stuff when I was a kid. I would listen to bizarre music, and I would watch the most bizarre things on television. I absolutely LOVED the shopping channel, at least when Mike Banks was hosting. The Shopping Channel (as we know it today) was called "The Canadian Home Shopping Club" back in 1987 when it first started up. These guys were the KINGS of selling Cubic Zirconia jewelry, scary porcelain dolls, and ugly crap made by Capodimonte.

It's beyond me why I was enamoured enough with CHSC to fill videotapes upon videotapes of their airtime. Perhaps I watched it when I was bored, but if that was the case, then my childhood was extremely boring. I'm honestly surprised that their text and graphic screen format wasn't permanently burned into the screen my parents' television set.

The graphic above shows CHSC's second generation logo. I was lucky enough to find a snapshot of their original logo on the internet:



Some of the early hosts (or sales staff) were Brian Hiltz, Bargain Bill, and Rosemary Frasier. They were all quite boring on air. The only host I genuinely enjoyed was Mike Banks. The guy made the channel genuinely worth watching. He had an array of plush monkeys that he'd interact with named Mischief, Jocko, Vanilla, and there's probably a couple others I'm forgetting. They made the occasional appearance on screen and each had their own "sounds" ranging from Tarzan to the scream of James Brown (taken from the beginning of the song "Gravity")

The peak of entertainment was when Mike was selling Elvis memorabilia. I unfortunately no longer have the video where he was conversing with Elvis during the spoken part of "Are You Lonesome Tonight" which was playing in the background.

Elvis: You seemed to change and you acted strange
Mike: I did???

Funny stuff!

CHSC aired everything in a still-motion format which was apparently required to be exempt from licensing from the CRTC. I clearly remember one specific instance where they broke the rules and aired live video for the sole purpose of showing Mike Banks' bald spot.

For this entry, I went through the hours of recorded CHSC broadcasting that I have, and brought you the most interesting clips I could find. These range from Mike Banks doing his typical goofy stuff to technology that's vastly overpriced and outdated, at least by today's standards. I didn't do any fancy editing on here because there's absolutely no point in doing so.

Enjoy!