The Worst Thing I Ever Saw on Public Access TV

I really can't tell you how much I miss Public Access TV. So many terrible shows, so little time to watch them. And now they're gone. Well, the Public Access channel hasn't exactly disappeared. What happened was Shaw bought both our little Winnipeg-based cable companies (Cablevision and Videon, depending which side of the river you were on) and turned it all into a big corporate pile of shit. The public access channel now shows garbage like high school sporting events - and that's all. I don't want to watch that, I want to watch my old high school Social Studies teacher do his makeshift religious program and sing songs of praise with his wife (yes, every bit of that is true! I have the video somewhere.)

Here's a real gem. This is probably the most god-awful thing I've ever seen on that channel. Again, it's so bad, I had to record it. It's some Polish guy singing really badly while playing his barrel organ.

First batch of roadside treasures for 2008!

Spring is finally here, and the treasures are beginning to show up! The other day, I passed a dumpster and noticed something potentially interesting sticking out. Unfortunately, it was only a double tape deck - the kind that has to be connected to it's mate via a ribbon cable. However, right under it was a pile of CDs and DVDs. I figured if they were just empty cases, I would still be able to use them. But no, these were treasures! Here's a brief list of what I found:

12 Music CDs (5 still sealed!)
1 CD-ROM of an unnamed company's accounting info
1 CD-ROM of a Graphics Accelerator
3 *blank* DVD-Rs
1 DVD-R full of PORNO MOVIES!

Here's some *edited* screenshots of the Porno DVD (forgive me if Photobucket removes them):


  

I'm really surprised that this company whom I won't mention just threw a CD-ROM of private accounting information straight into the trash without destroying it. As a favor to the company, I will run the disc through my shredder.

And now, to review the music CDs I found:


Real Joy - La Danse d'Helene:
This is a french dance music single: 4 different mixes of the same song and one english version. For a song with lyrics I can't understand, it's surprisingly catchy. It reminds me of The Clapping Song. But then I listened to the english version. The lyrics sound terribly identical to the Hokey Pokey. How the hell do you put your sex in front and put your sex behind? And why don't you take that finger and put it IN your behind? I'm guessing it loses something in the translation. Just for fun, here's the entire English version. Perhaps I'll use it for a Canned Peaches tune since it's dumb enough.


Volume:
Sounds like the Barenaked Ladies re-united with the Foo Fighters. Even though their band name is "Volume", I find myself having no inclination to reach for the knob and turn this CD louder. The songs get mellower as the CD goes on.


Jon Parks:
When this started off, I thought the music actually wasn't too bad. But the lyrics.... oh those lyrics make you slap yourself in the head because they're gut-wrenchingly shitty, especially the song "Julie":

How long has is been now Julie
A couple of years
How long has it been since you were over here
I thought I would call you up and
See how you've been

I heard you were with some handsome guy
I'm glad you're out of debt and
Still driving that car
You've colored you're hair I'll bet and
Still work at the bar

And the lyrics continue to be this bad. This CD ALSO gets mellower as it plays. The guy's not a bad singer, but he seems to have a bit of a "Kermit The Frog" accent.


Band Called Horse:
I thought this CD looked really cool, so I had some high hopes for it. But it was bland light rock from the get-go. This stuff is completely forgettable. Track 1 and 2 sound almost identical. In fact, if you play them together, you get the impression that they just re-wrote the lyrics.


Adi Sara Kreindler:
Uhhhh, something sounds wrong with this chick. The CD skipped a bit as I was listening to it which only added to the strangeness (I later found that the skipping is actually part of the audio rather than a dirty disc). I understand this is blues and this would actually sound really good if the singer didn't sound like she was doing a bad impression of an italian.


Rodrigo Munoz - a mis padres - Latin American Guitar:
Exactly what it says. Once you've heard one latin american guitar, you've heard them all. There's 36 goddam minutes of this, so I didn't bother to listen to the whole thing.


B'ehl - Bright Eyes
This CD started off with a bit of a bang and from a first impression it sounds really good. It sounds a lot like The Murmurs, which is a good thing because I like The Murmurs. The songs are very pop, but what always gets me is the sugary-sweet harmonies. I had this CD in my truck for most of the week and have enjoyed it immensely. IMO, the best songs on here are "Geography" and "Closure". So this one's a keeper! Take a listen! The only thing I can fault this CD for is the production work - the drums should be mixed a bit louder and the bass a little lower. Regardless, I'll be keeping my eyes out for B'ehl's first album, and the chances are quite good that I'll find it on one of my thrift store journeys.


Ethan Collister:
Ugh. I'm really tired of Canadian music that sounds either Celtic, or like Great Big Sea. The first song sounds like a ripoff of Led Zeppelin's Battle of Evermore, only more Great Big Sea-ish. The only thing I like about this is the use of bongo drums. Ethan isn't much of a singer either.


Little Hawk - 1492-1975
After looking at the track listing, I was hoping, just hoping that this was a rock album. This album is VERY indian. Personally, I could care less to hear an album full of native issues, which is fine since the music isn't all that interesting.


Bruce Holmes - Life's An Intelligence Test:
The first thing I noticed about this CD is that Bruce is kinda ugly. I could only hope that his talent makes up for his looks, much like Tom Petty. Unfortunately, this thing sounds like a Christian Album done by Great Big Sea. Go figure, it's fucking terrible. If you dare, have a listen.


Melissa Sylianou - Bachelorette:
Yay, a jazz CD. I could really care less for this music. It's not horribly irritating, but it's not terribly interesting.


Famous Framus - Troubled Mind
The cover is not horribly attractive. Think of it, would you wanna listen to a CD of a guy named "Famous Framus" showing you his smelly feet? Neither did I, which is why I left this CD until last. It's basically some guy playing two-chord songs singing the same lyrics over and over again. Some of these songs have potential to sound good, and they probably would if there was a band backing this guy.

So at least I've got one good CD out of it, the album by B'ehl. I'd probably be able to get used to the Adi Sara Kreindler too if I could get past her funny accent and if the audio didn't skip. But who am I to bitch, this stuff was free! The rest will probably go back into the trash where they belonged.

Hats Off To Roy Mykytyshyn

It's quite unfortunate when a person, especially someone who has entertained many passes away and it seems that nobody remembers them for their accomplishments. A few months ago, I was surprised to find that Roy Mykytyshyn passed away (1945-2006). I found out just by doing a random search on Google.

Roy was a comedian / musician who put out records sometime in the 1970s that was mostly aimed at those who spoke Ukrainian. My grandmother was such a person and owned quite a few of Roy's records, many of which I listened to when I was a young boy. I enjoy all kinds of music, and listening to my grandmother's records was something for me to do while we were visiting her even though I couldn't understand nor speak a word of Ukrainian.

After finding almost nothing on the web except for a mention from a local legion and a brief obituary, I decided that I should put something up. Here are some photos, the obituary I found (which is no longer up) and some of his music. If I could recommend only one song, it would be the Hop Hop Car Song.

If you would like to contribute your memories of Roy, please add a comment.

I'll be putting all of his works up for download. If I'm violating copyright by putting his music here, please let me know and I will take it down. As far as I know, NONE of Roy's music is available on Compact Disc, or is currently in print (with the possible exception of "A Night Out With Roy") If you're looking for official copies of his albums, they pop up on Ebay occasionally.

    

ROY MYKYTYSHYN October 24, 2006 In loving memory of my husband and father. One year ago today, you were taken away from us, We think of you in silence and speak to you and say your name. You memory is our keepsake God has you in His keeping, We have you in our hearts. - Sadly missed and loved, your wife Betty and family.

Discography


Roy Mykytyshyn Sets Your Heart On Fire With Old And New Ukrainian Songs
Reissue: A Night Out With Roy
(download MP3)
(download WAV)
SVLP 3070 


 

(Autographed for Tommy Buick, another V-Records artist)

 Tracks (New titles for "Night Out With Roy" album in brackets):

01) New Canadian Kolomeyka
02) Freedom Of Ukraine
03) V-Waltz (Pepper's Waltz)
04) Screwball Polka
05) A Long Time From Home
06) Tzeexo-Tzeexo Kolomeyka
07) Don't Cry Mama
08) Hop Hop Car Story
09) Picking Flowers
10) Veceelna Kolomeyka
11) It's Not Your Girl Polka
12) S.O.B. (Wedding Bliss Song)

Comments: Roy's first album and probably my most favorite. The mix is good, the songs are unique and interesting, and the Hop Hop Car Song is amusing for anyone! However, I'm convinced that the original pressings of this album were done with a defective master disc since every copy I've heard is full of noise in the same places.



Marriage & Married Life Ukrainian Style
(download MP3)
(download WAV)
SVLP 3090


Voices: Roy Mykytyshyn, Lillian Sumka, Stefie Sumka
Violin: Ann Kraichy
Accordian: Adam Lukow
Tenor Sax: Don Kraichy
Lead Guitar: Steven Groshak
Rhythm Guitar: Earnie Gentes
Drummer: Bob Kraichy

Tracks:

01) Wedding March Intro
02) Getting Ready For Wedding
03) Their Kolomayka
04) Problems and More Problems
05) Father's Wedding Kolomayka
06) Father and Daughter Disagreement On Choice Of Groom
07) Wedding March
08) Getting Ready For Presentation
09) Father & Mother Sing Their Presentation Song
10) Beer Kolomayka
11) Mother My Mother Song
12) More Presentation Song Ending Wedding
13) Married Troubles
14) Ann Play A Polka For Father
15) Kolomayka The Good Old Days For Father
16) More Problems
17) Finis Kolomayka

Comments: Never been much of a favorite of mine, likely due to the poor production work on this album. The mix could have been a lot better.



Divorce Ukrainian Style
(download MP3)
(download WAV)
SVLP 3097


Voices: Roy Mykytyshyn, Lillian Sumka, Stephie Sumka
Violin: Ann Kraichy
Accordian: Adam Lukow
Drums: Ernie Bandura
Tenor Sax: Don Kraichy
Rhythm Guitar: Earnie Gentes

Tracks:

01) Family Problems Song
02) Family Troubles
03) Winnipeg Travelling Kolomayka
04) Phoning The Lawyer
05) Old Country Was Better Than Here
06) This Country Was Better Than Old Country
07) Phoning Girl Friend
08) The Farmer's Song
09) Girls Shopping
10) Ann's Kolomayka
11) Northend Liquor Store
12) Just How You Leave Me
13) Maxin's Phone Call To Mother
14) Maxin's Good Time At The Bar
15) A Polka For Mother
16) Girls Shopping For Maxin's
17) Maxin's Song For Family Inlaws
18) Finish Kolomayka For More???
19) Ending Polka

Comments: Great album all around, one of my favorites. Excellent production work makes it an enjoyable listen.



Silver 25th Wedding Anniversary Ukrainian-ski Style (download MP3)
(download WAV)
SVLP 3115 


Tracks:

01) Kolomayka
02) Getting Ready For The 25th
03) Oh My Wife, What Are you Good For?
04) Introduction Speech For 25th For The Couple
05) Anniversary Waltz Song
06) Anniversary Waltz Dance
07) Twenty-Fifth Groom's Speech
08) Let's Get Together And Dance All Night
09) Lucky, Unlucky Times For The Wife
10) I Remember , I Wish I Wasn't Born
11) I know I know About Ukrainian Festival
12) National Festival
13) Bad Times For The Groom 25 Years
14) Good Times On The Farm
15) I'm Leaving You Old Woman - A Young One Wants Me
16) Good Times Downtown Boys
17) I'll Think And Drink But You Keep Quiet
18) It's Always Best At Home

Comments: Another great album with fantastic production. This one's a bit hard to find.



Christening Ukrainian Style
(download MP3)
(download WAV)
SVLP 3121
 

Tracks:

01) Getting Ready for Christening
02) Anne My Love
03) Going To Church
04) Adam's Rib
05) Coming Back to Cars
06) Thanking Song for Super Kid
07) Les & Roy's Party Song
08) Superkid's Thanks for Christening
09) Look At Yourself Dear Waltz
10) My Love My Wife
11) Making Home Brew - Parts 1-2-3 and 4
12) My Dream About Heaven
13) The Baseball Game
14) I Don't Give A Dam
15) Born A Fool
16) Moon Over The Forest

Comments: Probably the most bizarre album of them all, but very nice production work. This seems to be the hardest one to find.



Anne Kraichy - Musical Gems
(download MP3)
(download WAV)
OTC-2018


Tracks:

01) Krakowiak
02) Oberek
03) Bachelor Polka
04) Violin Tango
05) Polish Polka
06) Westphalia Waltz
07) Can't Refuse This Polka
08) Golden Dance Medley
09) Longing For You Tango
10) Blondie Polka
11) Memory Waltz Medley
12) Favourite Butterfly Dance

Comments: Anne Kraichy played the fiddle on Roy's albums. This is one of her solo albums, released on Ollytone Records. From the look of the professional packaging, my guess is it was released on cassette only. According to a reader, she has another solo album (Kozachok) released on V-Records. If I find it, I will post it as well.

The Worst Album Ever?

I truly enjoy finding albums that are unique, terrible, absolutely horrible, and completely unlistenable. So keeping that in mind, I bring you this:



No, this isn't the worst album ever, but it inspired what would eventually be two of the worst albums ever. Here's the album that made the number one spot on this list of albums that should NOT have been recorded.



The Original Motion Picture Soundtrack - Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band

and I quote from the link above...

Whoever thought it would be a good idea to have the Bee Gees and Peter Frampton sing Beatles songs should've been shot in the head, set on fire, cornholed with mallet, and decapitated. Good God, how can you get past this stinking piece of shit?! Not even contributions from Aerosmith, Alice Cooper, Jeff Beck and Billy Preston made this "thing" worth listening to.

For my own personal experience of this album, it just goes beyond the shitty covers of Beatles songs. I don't know about everyone else, but my copy is a real fucking winner. I'm wondering if everyone else's copy is this messed up.

The inner sleeves describe the record's sides as Side A, Side B, Side C, and Side D and gives the track listing for each. Here's how my records are laid out:

First Record:
Side A is actually labelled as "Record 2 Side 2" and the track listing is of Side B
Side D is actually labelled as "Record 1 Side 4" with the correct track listing.

Second Record:
Side B is actually labelled as "Record 2 Side 3" and the track listing is of Side C
Side C is AGAIN labelled as "Record 2 Side 2" and the track listing is of Side B

As you can see, finding ANYTHING on this album is a royal pain in the ass with only ONE of the four sides being labelled correctly.

And now, when you didn't think it could get any worse than a bunch of bad Beatles covers, I found this:



The Complete Music from the Movie Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band as Performed by Abbey Road '78 

(download it here!)

The only thing worse than a bunch of famous artists doing bad Beatles covers is... a bunch of NOBODIES doing bad impressions of famous artists doing bad Beatles covers. The only thing I can give credit to this album is the track order is EXACTLY the way it is listed on the back of this 8-track. Yes, this is another great title from the SPRINGBOARD label!

Also, if anybody would like a dozen (or so) sealed copies of this 'thing', let me know and I'll hook you up. SERIOUSLY.

Of course, this blog entry wouldn't be complete without a clip. I give all three versions:

1) The Beatles doing "A Day In The Life"
2) The Bee Gees doing their impression of the Beatles doing "A Day In The Life"
3) A bunch of crappy studio musicians doing their impression of The Bee Gees doing their impression of the Beatles doing "A Day In The Life"

Click here to listen.

Oh yeah, and if you dare, feel free to print this out and attempt to get some crappy merchandise from this abomination (this form was in the LP)



And if you care, here's another comparison of 'When I'm 64', one of the shittier songs on the soundtrack (and fake soundtrack). Click here to listen!

Just as a side note... In searching for one of the links that I included on here, I came across another list of the '50 worst albums ever' and found Duran Duran's "Thank You" in the number one spot (Sgt Pepper Soundtrack made #15). I'm a bit offended by that since I own the album, and thought most of the songs were covered remarkably well, some of them better than the originals. And dare I say that it's actually one of my more favorite albums in my collection. I actually recommend you pick it up. I can also think of 50 other albums that are much worse than "Thank You".

Fun with Postage Paid Junk Mail Pt. II

Yes! I have another batch of postage paid junk mail to send out. There's lots this round, and it's been collecting for a bit since I've been busy. I also got a gift from my significant other's grandmother - a one year subscription to Reader's Digest. We haven't read any of them yet, but they come with lots of postage paid junk mail! Thus, some of these are duplicates from the last round, but I put new messages on them. I bet the mailman busts a gut when he sees these!

I've also done a bit of research on postage paid junk mail in Canada. You can read the Business Reply Mail Customer Guide here. I'll quote the parts that are relevant:

Business Reply Mail Customers are responsible for payment of each returned Business Reply Mail item even if the Business Reply Mail item is blank, incomplete or empty.

In addition, items that fail to meet the applicable specifications and requirements for Machineable and Other Business Reply Mail will be subject to surcharges.

So there you have it. If your envelope (or package) buggers up the machine, or if it no longer falls under the "envelope" category, the company will be charged extra to have the item mailed. However, there is something else of interest:

Any Domestic Business Reply Mail item weighing more than 500 g will not qualify for Business Reply Mail service.

This leaves me with a question. If the item weighs more than 500g, will the item still be mailed, but the customer be charged with delivery of a parcel, or will it be thrown in the trash? I may have to make a call to Canada Post to get the answer to those questions.

Anyway, here's the latest, greatest in postcards. I also wrote three letters and enclosed them in envelopes (which will follow the postcards)

    

   

    


Sent to: Amex Bank of Canada

Dear Newspaper,

I lost my dog. He answers to the name "Yellow". He is a black and white cross between a German Shephard, Golden Retriever, and my Ex-Wife. He is always biting me and shitting all over the yard, but I love him. He also only has three legs. He lost one of them when I tried to run over him with the lawnmower after he chewed up my 'Suck-off Stacy' blow-up doll.

He seems to have an addiction to peeing on the stove. I tried to break him out of the habit by peeing on him while he was peeing on the stove. Unfortunately, all it did was make the kitchen stinky, and I had to give him a bath after.

Anyway, if you could run an ad in your lost and found section, I would be happy. If you need a picture of Yellow, please get one from my blog:

http://classicalgasemissions.blogspot.com

Thanks.




Sent to: Verisign Inc.

Note: I originally wrote the poem back in 1995.

Dear International Publishers of Youth,

I'm submitting the following poem for the contest you're running in Highlights magazine:



Rover

Rover was a good dog,
Comes when his master calls.
Rover was a horny dog,
Till the vet cut off his balls.

Rover was a bad dog,
He didn't know how to sit.
Rover was a nasty dog,
In the neighbor's yard he'd shit.

Rover was a happy dog,
He'd chase the stray cat.
Rover was a hungry dog,
He chewed up my brand new hat.

Rover was a thirsty dog,
Drank from the toilet bowl.
Rover was a dirty dog,
In the mud he liked to roll.

Rover was a lazy dog,
On my bed he liked to be.
Rover was a normal dog,
On my car he liked to pee.

Rover was a care-free dog,
He liked to play on the street.
Rover is no longer a dog,
Now he's just ground meat.


If you'd like to read more of my poetry, you can check out my blog at http://classicalgasemissions.blogspot.com




Sent to: Grandma's Kitchen

Note: I should've proofread this letter. Only after I sealed it up did I notice all the mistakes. I suppose it adds to the child-like effect of the letter though. On a redeeming note, I enclosed a Teddy Graham wrapped in plastic wrap.


Dear grandma,

Mom's been drinking again. Last week, she passed out on the toilet and broke her nose. I tried to fix her nose with some krazy glue, popsicle sticks, and masking tape. When she woke up, she told me I was grounded and that I couldn't play with my hamster Fluffy for a week. During that time, Fluffy died. I wanted to bury him in the back yard, but mom decided that it was a better idea to just flpush him down the toilet.
Unfortunately, mom clogged the toilet by flushing one of her pads down there a couple days previous, so now we have a dead hamster floating in our toilet.

When dad came away from his girlfriends house, he fished out the pad, Fluffy, and three turds. We buried them alltogether in the back yard while mom was passed out again, and I made tombstones for all five of
them: Maxi, Turdy, Poopy, Crappy, and Fluffy.

Anyway, while mom was passed out and dad was out getting laid, I tried that recipe you sent me for cookies. I'm sending you one. Please let me know if I got it right.

I heard that grampa finally hooked up the internet so he can watch those toilet cams. I don't know why anybody would put a toilet in their camera. Wouldn't it get covered in poop, especially if it's the splattery kind?

Anyway, I have a blog on the internet. You can read the stuff I write in it and the pictures I post. I'm starting a collection of pictures of mom passed out in various places. You can see them if you go to http://classicalgasemissions.blogspot.com

But I should go. Please send me another $300 so I can buy some groceries, since mom spends all her money on booze.

Love you Grandma,

Steven