Tuesday, August 4, 2009

The 27 Worst Songs I Own

At long last, I've finally assembled a list of the worst songs I own. I've been working on it for quite a few months now. During the time it took to create this blog entry, one of the songs' original authors kicked the bucket. You'll be able to figure out who it is (Yes, it's Michael Jackson).

My friend Ashley, who helped judge these songs and levelled out my bias against them has been patiently waiting for me to get off my ass and finish this blog entry. The best part about this blog entry is, I made professional-esque countdown videos to upload to youtube. I also invented a new word, "professionalesque".

Anyway, feel free to watch the Youtube videos countdown to the most god-awful piece of shit song in my entire music collection. We're talking about 700 CDs, 200 cassettes, 300 LPs, and 200 8-tracks (those are VERY rough guesses.) Regardless, I have many, many hours (perhaps weeks or months) worth of music in my collection. I have been able to slim the entire collection down to the 27 worst songs I own. Below is commentary and the ratings that both me and Ashley have given to these 'masterpieces'. Since the artist felt it necessary to force us to listen to these songs, he/she fully left the door open for us to criticize them. So, let's get down to business!

If your curious as to how these songs were rated, here's the system we used.

- Each song was given a rating between 1 and 5 (5 being the most listenable).
- If the listener cannot make it through the entire song, mark down the time the song was shut off.
- Ratings and shut off times are averaged out
- If one listener shut the song off and one didn't, the "listenable" time was pinpointed half way between the shut off time and the length of the song

Here are the comments:

#27 - Blue Oyster Cult - Moon Crazy
Ben: 5/5
Ashley: 3/5
Total: 4/5

Ben: I really love Blue Oyster Cult, but they did a few duds here and there. They shouldn't have done this song. It's not bad until they hit the chorus. The guitar solo is pretty good though. Maybe 'Hungry Boys' would have been a better choice for their worst song.

Ashley: This song is boring. What makes me sad is that this is an alphabetical list. Apparently my eardrums must suffer more. I guess this song is better than the last one, though. Not that that is saying much.

#26 - Kip Winger - Another Way
Ben: 4/5
Ashley: 3.5/5
Total: 3.75/5

Ashley: I'm not sure what is not listenable about this one. It's not my style but it's not horrid.

Ben: This song just sucks, much like most material written by Kip Winger. He did one great song for his solo career and this isn't it (note: it was his solo version of Down Incognito)

#25 - The Cars - Shoo Be Doo
Ben: 5/5
Ashley: 1/5
Total: 3/5

Ashley: I wasn't looking forward to this song. 1) It's The Cars. 2) The song's called Shoo Be Doo. And hey, I wasn't disappointed! It's terrible.

Ben: This song is just weird. It's like an 80s psychedelic break in the album (yes, I know the album came out in '79.) I actually kinda like the ending where Rik Ocasek flips out.

#24 - Canned Heat - On the Road Again
Ben: 3/5
Ashley: 2/5
Total: 2.5/5

Ben: I really do like the music. It's so groovy. And then that harmonica-voiced guy stabs himself in the ass with a knitting needle, AhhHH! On the road again...

Ashley: He sings like someone has a big meaty paw cupping his testicles that squeezes them on every high note.

#23 - Mark Prindle - Basswoop
Ben: 2/5
Ashley: 1/5
Total: 1.5/5

Ben: The entire Smilehouse album chews away at your nerves, but this song makes you finally go bezerk. The song was too short to shut off before I got sick of it.

Ashley: What. The. Hell. Where the fuck did you find this piece of shit?

#22 - Tori Amos & Robert Plant - Down By The Seaside
Ben: 2/5 1:40
Ashley: 2/5
Total: 2/5 4:46

Ben: Tori Amos sucks. Robert Plant can't sing anymore. Together, they trash a great song that was partially written by... Robert Plant. The music is kinda cool, but it sounds nothing like the original version of the song.

Ashley: Meh. Boring. Not terrible, but not anything worth listening to, either.

#21 - Stevie Wonder - Upset Stomach
Ben: 3/5 1:19
Ashley: 1/5
Total: 2/5 3:06

Ashley: That's exactly what I have after all this, an upset stomach. Fucking 80s shit.

Ben: Stevie Wonder has one of the coolest voices ever. This song has some of the shittiest music ever. Funny how many songs on this list refer to vomit (or vomit-causing activities) Incidently, this song is on the same album as the Ferris Wheel song.

#20 - John Kay & Steppenwolf - Bad Attiude
Ben: 2/5 1:08
Ashley: 3.5/5
Total: 2.75/5 2:53

Ashley: I sort of like Steppenwolf sometimes. This is okay. I wouldn't listen to it on my own, but I'm surviving it.

Ben: John Kay went and ruined the name "Steppenwolf" with his band of hacks using it for his solo career. The lyrics are stupid, the music is awful, and this is one of the three terrible songs that started off the otherwise great "Summerdaze" compilation CD.

#19 - XTC - Making Plans For Nigel
Ben: 2/5 1:19
Ashley: 3.5/5
Total: 2.75/5 2:43

Ben: Who the fuck is Nigel? Is he so retarded that he can't do anything for himself? HE MUST BE HAPPY. HE MUST BE HAPPY. This song makes me want to go on a Nigel killing spree.

Ashley: Lame but I'm not loathing it.

#18 - Deep Forest - Forest Hymn
Ben: 1/5 1:22
Ashley: 5/5
Total: 3/5 2:36

Ashley: I'm sorry, did you actually pick on a band that I like? Regardless, this is not the real Forest Hymn, at least as far as I can tell. It's a remix. Yeah, definitely a remix the longer I listen to it. Okay, so the song's weird but I think it's cute. It's definitely not their best song, but it's not that terrible.

Ben: Ashley, how can you like this? That kid sings like Starvin' Marvin from South Park.

#17 - Smokey Robinson & Syreeta - First Time On A Ferris Wheel
Ben: 2/5 1:24
Ashley: 1/5
Total: 1.5/5 2:31

Ashley: *puke*

Ben: How you puked on me. Like your first time on a ferris wheel. The nausea is so horribly real.

#16 - The Thrown Ups - You Lost it
Ben: 1/5 1:39
Ashley: 1/5
Total: 1/5 2:27

Ben: If you really want to piss someone off, play this song. This beats out William Hung as just plain awful.

Ashley: This sounds like high school band, except worse. Ironic that the next band I have to listen to is alluding to what I wanted to do because of the last song. Their band name is appropriate.

#15 - Edie Brickell - Big Day Little Boat
Ben: 2/5 1:13
Ashley: 2/5
Total: 2/5 2:24

Ben: I actually have an Edie Brickell album, but this song came off a benefit album. Those poor kids. SMILE! SMILE! For everyone!

Ashley: Bleeeccch. I hate her voice and there's that stupid country flavour to the song that can go to hell. The lyrics are dumb, too. She whines.

#14 - Helmet - Custard Pie
Ben: 1/5 1:24
Ashley: 3/5 3:21
Total: 2/5 2:23

Ashley: This song is pointless. I'm not writhing on the ground in pain, though, so I guess I'll give it a 3.

Ben: Maybe it's because I like the original too much, or maybe it's because I picture some slobbering drunk trying to sing this, and he's ready to throw up.

#13 - 95 South - Whoot, There it is
Ben: 2/5 1:30
Ashley: 3/5
Total: 2.5/5 2:19

Ben: I can make that constant bass sound by producing feeback with the treble turned all the way down. Gives me a headache. It also sounds like there's something crapping in the background when they yell "WHOOT!".

Ashley: It doesn't sound very different from the crap on the radio these days. A shitty beat with a load of stupid repetitive lyrics. The only thing redeeming is the low bass and that's ONLY because I'm a bass addict. The song would be much better if it was just the bass and nothing else.

#12 - Meat Loaf - Paradise By The Dashboard Light
Ben: 1/5 3:05
Ashley: 1/5 (Can I give it less than 1?) 0:32
Total: 1/5 1:49

Ben: Meat Loaf is to rock music what Kim Mitchell is to rap music. This turd never ends either.

Ashley: I HATE Meatloaf. HATE HATE HATE HATE. This song especially.

#11 - Ventures - Deep Deep In The Water
Ben: 2/5 0:59
Ashley: 1/5
Total: 1.5/5 1:48

Ben: Instrumental-only surf-rock bands should not sing and play country music. 'Nuff said. Other than this song, the album is great.

Ashley: I keep hoping there's one more song, just one more, that will be semi-listenable and save me from this crap, but then this song came on. It's like the shit my mom listens to.

#10 - Honeymoon Suite - Lethal Weapon
Ben: 2/5 0:57
Ashley: 2/5 2:35
Total: 2/5 1:46

Ben: This sounds like something that belongs on a benefit album. 'Nuff said.

Ashley: Eh, mediocre crap. It reminds me of the radio. They play crap like this on the radio, or they used to or something.

#9 - Uncanny Alliance - I Got My Education
Ben: 1/5 2:43
Ashley: 1/5 0:44
Total: 1/5 1:44

Ben: There's a 12 minute version of this piece of trash out there somewhere. Thank god I don't have that version. This was obviously a message for the youth of the day, but after listening to her say "I GOT MY EDUCATION" for the zillionth time, I just wanna slap the bitch and go on welfare.

Ashley: This song is full of fail.

#8 - Kim Mitchell - Acrimony
Ben: 2/5 0:58
Ashley: 2/5 1:54
Total: 2/5 1:26

Ashley: I was expecting some more whining, seeing as how it's a female name, but this shit comes through my speakers. Fuck it, I'm skipping

Ben: Kim Mitchell shouldn't rap. He wrote some great songs. He wrote a great chorus for this song, and ruined it with his inability to rap.

#7 - Michael Jackson Impersonator - Bad
Ben: 4/5 1:26
Ashley: 1/5 1:12
Total: 2.5/5 1:19

Ashley: I can barely hear the guy, I had to turn up the shitty music to hear the shitty singing. Unimpressed. I guess it doesn't help that I hate Michael Jackson?

Ben: Ashley, the singer is a WOMAN. I know MJ isn't exactly masculine, but this chick doesn't have that certain edge that MJ posesses. Oh yeah, and the music is poorly done too.

#6 - Tragically Hip - Highway Girl
Ben: 2/5 1:29
Ashley: 1/5 1:09
Total: 1.5/5 1:19

Ben: I really hate this band. This isn't the worst thing they ever did, but it still sucks. This is the first time I've ever listened to the lyrics and... they're really stupid.

Ashley: I also fucking hate the Tragically Hip. I hate the lead singer's voice. I hate this song too.

#5 - Buster Poindexter - Hot Hot Hot
Ben: 2/5 0:59
Ashley: 1/5 0:46
Total: 1.5/5 0:53

Ben: The beginning is cool with the OLE! OLE! thing. But then a guy in a hawaiian shirt pukes into a trumpet and it all goes to hell from there.

Ashley: Oh, not this fucking song. Ben, I hate you. I'm skipping it (:46) because I like my sanity, thanks. Anyway, I remember enough of it to say it's one of those shitty songs that catch on with people because it's retarded and they have no sense of musical taste.

#4 - The Royal Mixxers - Black Dog
Ben: 1/5 0:50
Ashley: 1/5 0:54
Total: 1/5 0:52

Ashley: Guh? Gonna make me throw up, that's what this song is going to do.

Ben: Oh Man, Led Zeppelin must have been rolling in their graves when this came out, and they aren't even dead yet. A rap version of Black Dog is just wrong.

#3 - Tyrannosaurus Rex - Wind Cheetah
Ben: 1/5 0:36
Ashley: 1/5 1:07
Total: 1/5 0:51.5 (not rounded to break tie)

Ben: If Marc Bolan had left this off 'Beard Of Stars' and replaced it with one of the outtakes (Blessed Wild Apple Girl comes to mind) it would have been the greatest album of his career.

Ashley: Weeeeeeird. Not the good kind of weird, either. The "why would you want to listen to that" sort of weird.

#2 - Guns N Roses - My World
Ben: 1/5 0:28
Ashley: 1/5 0:53
Total: 1/5 0:41

Ben: For those who hated Chinese Democracy, listen to this piece of shit three times in a row and you'll think different.


#1 - Sammy Davis Jr - Candy Man
Ben: 1/5 0:27
Ashley: 0/5 0:10
Total: 0.5/5 0:19

Ben: Oh fucking hell...

Ashley: I HATE YOU. I don't care, it gets a 0, or -10 or some other negatively infinite integer, or how about a divide by zero error?

And that's it! I hope those of you who actually watched the videos haven't died from puking your guts out. Ashley thinks we should do a second round using songs she has in her collection, and maybe we should! We'll see how good the response is to this round.


Marc Davenport said...

Making plans for Nigel? Really? I guess without context and a previous love for all things XTC.... but still, the song is seminal. If this song had been this version: http://www.last.fm/music/Primus/_/Making+Plans+for+Nigel I might agree.

Ben Century said...

I actually have the Primus version, and I like it better than the original. I think the song is strange enough that it works with Primus's bizarre musical style.

Marc Davenport said...

So what album do you have this song on... because I guarantee there is an Andy Partridge song that is worse on that album; Particularly at that time.

Ben Century said...

It's on "Miscellaneous Debris". I also like their version of Pink Floyd's "Have A Cigar". The rest is throwaway, but I only paid 98 cents for the album :)

Marc Davenport said...

but that is a primus cd?

Anonymous said...

I saw this and thought, "Basswoop"? I have a song called "Basswoop"? How does it go? And is it really as awful as they say?

Then I listened to it and remembered. Indeed it's goddamned near unlistenable!

So... umm, good work on that selection.

Mark Prindle
Author of "Basswoop"

J. Lahondere said...

That Black Dog cover by The Royal Mixxers almost made me do a spit take (I wasn't drinking anything, so it didn't work). Holy crap, man.

I vote "Upset Stomach" as the worst title for a song in the history of recorded music.

Anonymous said...

a matter of opinion...and yer opinion does not matter. do you folks know anything about music? Your banter is neither clever nor becoming.

The Whiz Kid Forte said...

I actually like "Hot! Hot! Hot!" - it's pretty summery and fun for a poopy song!

Anonymous said...

Patio Lanterns..worst song ever