Sunday, September 20, 2009

Junq Tour 2009: Ashern

Alas, we've arrived at the last post in the Junq Tour of 2009. Suitably, the finds are absolutely fucking atrocious this time around.

I keep forgetting to take pictures of these thrift stores. This one looked tiny on the outside, but was quite large and packed with junk on the inside. There was boxes full of crap that hadn't been sorted, and that's where I found the best stuff - usually deep at the bottom sandwiched between other stuff.

So, let's get started. Here's what I found on my journey to Ashern, Manitoba:

Kathie Lee Gifford - Sentimental

Yeeeesh! This is fucking terrible. Kathie Lee should stick ONLY to television and keep her middle-aged ass out of the recording studio.

To be honest, I didn't even think about the kind of music that would be on this CD. It sounds just as it looks: mellow, boring, and pain-inducing. If you need that many couch cushions to make your album cover look good, then you should re-think what you're going to release and give the master tapes one more play through an electric can opener.

Anyway, Kathie Lee's album consists of songs written by people who were all born before 1927, and only one of them is still alive. I could think of hundreds of singers that I'd rather hear resurrecting the 'old classics' than Kathie Lee. Her voice runs down your skin like sand paper, and the music is as uninteresting as dog shit being eaten by flies.

Click here if you dare to hear the bitch sing.

Scrapbook full of a child's art

Yes, this was in the thrift store. Yes, I did buy this. Yes, it is going on the internet. For your convenience, I named these masterpieces:

Butterfly, Boomerang, and Purple Flowers:

The End of Double-Yolked Eggs:

Cavity Sun:

Alicia, The War Amp:

Blue Boy and Purple Scribble:

7 1/2 Months of Love:

Gangrene Diva:

Picturing The Yukon: 9 Short Films

I've never been to a film festival. However, thanks to this enlightening DVD, I plan to NEVER, EVER attend one. You know that South Park joke about the gay cowboys eating pudding? Well, there's a film on this thing about a gay cowboy who travels to some shitty town to learn about his not-gay (but dead) grandpa. There's also a film about how indians have flat asses, and a bunch of other crap that didn't make sense. People in the Yukon should be forced to downgrade their video cameras to ViewMasters.

Let me give you one example. Here's a film about a kid who's dad was a ballerina. One day, his dad prances his fairy ass into the forest, poops his pants, and gets killed by a wild boar. Probably the best film I've ever seen on 'natural selection' and 'survival of the fittest':

And with that being said, we wrap up the Junq Tour for 2009. But don't worry, I'll be shopping the rural thrift stores again in 2010!


Kevin said...

So, what exactly does this mean?

"Probably the best film I've ever seen on 'natural selection' and 'survival of the fittest'"

TillRow said...

Gangrene Diva. Epic.