Crystal Plohman - Fiddle Fun
Okay, this one actually isn't too bad. If you like a good drunken barndance hoedown and you live in 1984, be sure to hire 11 year old Crystal Plohman to play at your straw-filled, drunken-uncle-puking-into-the-milk-bucket Square Dance!
Yes, this is an album recorded by a kid, and it's even autographed too! So, where is Crystal Plohman these days? Well, she's still playing that damn thing! After taking a browse through her discography, it seems that this album is in the "please forget me" file. Regardless, I won't let you forget this album, Miss Plohman!
Click here and listen to the lovely "Apple Blossom Waltz"
When I looked at this thing at the thrift store, I immediately thought, "Who the hell is Shirley? Is it like 'Tiffany' but with added menopause and wrinkles?" Well, I was close. This is an album by Shirley Jones, that lady who played that lady in the Partridge family. I fucking hate the Partridge family. I used to own the "Sound Magazine" album on 8-track, but got rid of that god-awful thing.
But even Sound magazine was more tolerable than this piece of ear-raping trash. Why do old bags like Shirley Jones and Kathie Lee Gifford think they can sing like angels?
Click here to get ear-fucked by "If I Loved You". It's bloody horrid!
Lo and behold, this tape is autographed too (not like it's worth anything). Can you say "washed up"?
Iikcu - Scribble-Scribble
I don't know if that's how you write the name, nor how you pronounce the album title. This thing isn't even in English. Well, with the exception of one thing in the inlay:
Let's get a web definition of 'biosafety' to help us understand the picture...
Biosafety: The application of knowledge, techniques and equipment to prevent personal, laboratory and environmental exposure to potentially infectious agents or biohazards.
Okay, so this unpronounceable album has a picture of a teenage boy with a mullet on the cover, and a picture of a biohazard-removing toothbrush inside. It gets even weirder when you play the tape... The singer sounds female! So, I can only guess that this teenage boy had a bad experience with some sort of biohazard which chewed off his penis, his testicles, and turned his testosterone into estrogen. Then he grew breasts and recorded an album of shitty 80s music. He didn't have any money to take a new picture for the album cover, so they used one from when he only dreamed of getting into a girl's panties. Now, not only can he get into panties, he wears them on a daily basis!
Click Here and Listen to 'Scribble' (aka Track 3)
And that's it for goofy thrift store albums, at least until I dig in the ever-growing pile again. Hope I didn't traumatize you too badly this round.