Sunday, September 26, 2010

Album: Mini Stars

I'm heading back out to Ashern for the week, so I figured I'd squirt out a quick blog entry for your enjoyment.

After the original Mini Pops were dropped in 1989, Quality records (who released the final three Mini Pops albums in Canada) decided to continue making albums with kids singing pop songs. Thus, the Mini Stars were born. These kids don't have british accents, so I highly suspect they were Canadian.

This is the second-worst fucking thing I've ever listened to (the first is here). If you listen to the original Mini-Pops albums, the kids are all pre-puberty with the occasional adult backing the vocals just to make it sound a bit more full. In this horrible follow-up, the kids have entered puberty and their voices have changed. All the kids who haven't entered puberty do the back-ups, giving it a Sammy Davis Jr. "Candy Man" sound. The song "This Beat Is Technotronic" is mis-labelled as "Pump Up The Jam".

These song renditions are completely terrible. I have a feeling that there were NO kids who enjoyed this unbelievable piece of garbage, and were much happier spending their money on the original albums done by Roxette, New Kids on the Block, and MC Hammer.

First, I'm delivering to you this hilariously bad and somewhat re-written version of "U Can't Touch This".


I pulled this second song out of a Medley. I'll warn you now, this hurts both the ears AND the brain! I really wish this kid didn't fall for Leader Of The Pack:


My sincerest apologies for doing that to your ears, but if I have to go through the pain, so do you!

Download the full album HERE! 

Monday, September 20, 2010

Junq Tour 2010: Thompson

It's been a while since I've been on tour, but the next month or so is going to be jam-packed with adventure! I was able to travel up to Thompson and browse the thrift stores up there. But before I get to that, here's some pictures I snapped along the way...

This is me enjoying the beautiful sights and sounds of Pisew Falls

Here's some lovely graffiti on a gas station bathroom wall in Grand Rapids.

And now, straight from Thompson....

It's 392 Thompson drive! Why is this significant? Three years ago, I posted a recording of my Uncle talking to a prank caller in this post. This is the building he lived in. What a fucking dump.

Anyway, enough of the scenery. Let's get to the goods...

There are two thrift stores in Thompson. One is on Thompson drive, and is full of mostly terrible junk. The only thing remotely interesting was the Christian blooper video of 100 Huntley Street which I didn't buy. Come on, this isn't Jerry Springer for chrissake!

The other thrift store is on Fox Bay, and was jam packed with stuff. I spent a whole $1.50 on the crap you'll see and hear below...

As a side note, this blog entry should be alternatively titled, "Talentless Album Art Directors"

Hits of the 50s Vol. 1


Pink background, black letters. This is what you're getting folks! It may not be by the original hits by the original artists, but these are hits of the 50s!

Wait a minute, what's "Runaround Sue" doing on here? That was recorded in 1961.

HEY! What's "Bristol Stomp" doing on here? That was recorded in 1961 too!

Jesus Christ, "Da Doo Ron Ron" is on here as well! That was recorded in 1963.

I got fucking RIPPED OFF!

Now, for your pleasure, here is "Beep Beep" originally done by the Playmates (yes, this is a hit from the 50s - I wouldn't rip off the loyal readers of my blog!) The assholes who recorded this version used a pussy-ass synthesizer to simulate a horn. It sounds just as funny as a squeaky fart.

Listen to Beep Beep!

Instrumental Gold Vol. 1

Art Director: We need cover art for our new "Instrumental Gold Vol. 1" album. Any ideas?
Photographer: Sure, we could rent some musical instruments and take a picture of those!
Art Director: What? You're fucking crazy! I don't have that kind of money!
Photographer: This is a record label. You make all kinds of money!
Art Director: This is "North American Superhits"! We sell our albums for $2 each!
Photographer: Oh, sorry. I thought you were a real record label
Art Director: Never mind that. Go take a picture of those dead Dandelions outside. That'll give the listener a good clue of how great this album sounds.
Photographer: Okay, boss!

And if it wasn't Moogy enough for you, they tried to make the song Popcorn even more Moogiful! It doesn't even sound like real popcorn anymore, and the Moog player messes up playing it.

Listen to Popcorn!

Wayne Bartlett - The Dream Still Lives

I love it when people flip through their photo albums to choose a photo for their album cover. They see one, point, and say "THAT ONE!!!" Wayne Bartlett released this cassette in 1995, but the photo screams "1983!" I love his giant sunglasses, his trucker's cap, and his 1983 Chevy van. Also, nothing says "manly" more than those big puffy pink flowers on the cover, thanks to Wayne's wife's lovely art direction.

The scary thing is this is Wayne's FIFTH album. I wonder if the other 4 are just as shitty as this one. I had to listen to this song TWICE to make sure I heard what I heard. Then I checked the lyric sheet, and it was worse that what I heard:

"Just last night I went and peed
On a light pole down the street
I had the urge to show my bird
To that new dog on the street
And all the little doggies
Smellin' to the doggy do-doo
Oughtta be down here in this hole with me
Instead of being up there with you"

The good people at Robinson-Blackmore botched the insert. They printed the lyrics to side one TWICE and completely left out side 2.

I can't help but wonder how many songs Wayne wrote about peeing on random things. Perhaps after I'm done making a digital copy of this song, I'll pee on the tape and see if Wayne's singing improves. On second thought, maybe not. I don't need to be cleaning piss out of my lovely Onkyo deck.

Listen to Heart Like A Grindstone!

And that wraps it up for Thompson. Next on the Junq Tour, we get to re-visit the thrift store in Ashern!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Video: Why Do Kids Listen To Rock Music?

Over the last little while, I've picked up a few interesting Christian videos. Now, when I say "interesting", it means "bloody ridiculous and highly entertaining!"

This is the first one I'm going to share with you. Of course, the title made me grab it immediately. Rich Wilkerson hates rock music. He even states that he has a strong personal bias against it in the video. He relates rock music to three main topics: Drug abuse, Sexual Immorality, and Demonic Worship. Since I own albums by most of the bands he attacks, it's pretty obvious that I have a heroin addiction, I participate in weekly orgies, and I offer a sacrifice of goat's blood to Satan every weekend. Rock music has greatly enriched my life!

So which bands and singers does he list in his motivational sermon? Here's a short list:

Van Halen
Rolling Stones
Judas Priest
Alice Cooper
David Bowie
Ted Nugent
Ozzy Osbourne
Black Sabbath
Duran Duran
Blue Oyster Cult
Meat Loaf
The Police
Iron Maiden

I'm flattered that he mentioned my personal favorite (Blue Oyster Cult) but I'm kinda shocked that he bothered to pick on Loverboy, Styx, and Duran Duran. He also quickly went down a list of bands who's members had died from drug overdose.

But Mr. Wilkerson seemed to be particularly offended by Iron Maiden (who, by the way, puts on a great concert!) Here is Mr. Wilkerson ranting about how offensive Iron Maiden is to God:

So, what was the real message of this video? Does he actually answer the question "Why do kids listen to rock music?" Of course he answers. The reason kids listen to rock music is because they're lonely!

Excuse me while I go listen to my demonic Duran Duran album.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Roadkill CD-Rs

Whatever happened to the good old days when you could find a smashed cassette tape on the road, take it home, re-load it into a new shell, and then play it to see what was on it? It seems like only yesterday when I did that with a copy of Aerosmith's Classics Live.

Unfortunately, those days seem to be long gone. Now we've got CD-Rs. If they've been run over by too many cars, the content is completely gone. However, you occasionally get lucky...

It's not really the content that makes me pick one of these things up, but rather how the disc is jazzed up in some way by the person who burned it. Here's a few I've found:

Spice Girls Greatest Hits

Ah, the Spice Girls. How I remember you from my late high school days. How I hated hearing that dumbass in my class tell me that the Spice Girls were better than Blue Oyster Cult, simply because they had bigger tits. At least the 'Agents of Fortune' album is more timeless than EVERYTHING the Spice Girls did.

I'm not sure if this is a copy of an existing compilation, or something someone threw together. It doesn't play at all.

The Gumshoe Strut & Co.

Straight outta the North side of Winnipeg, these guys seem to have landed themselves on a small record label. This entire disc is playable, probably because I found it in a snowbank in the middle of Winter. I generally find hip hop boring, but the third track actually made me laugh. Listen to it here!

Hip-Hop #1 Dance Class

Alas, more hip hop! I think it's funny that the word "Aerobics" is written on this CD-R. I personally would find it more preferable to bob my head and smoke weed to this music, rather than do jumping jacks.

Most of it is somewhat playable. Thanks to Google, here's the track listing I descrambled from the lyrics:

J-Diggs - Push It Up
Busta Rhymes - Make It Clap
Amerie - Touch
R Kelly - Burn It Up
Chris Brown - Gimme That
Chris Brown - Run It
J-Kwon - Get XXX'd
Jhene - No Love
Mr. Vegas - Tamale
??? (can't understand the fucking lyrics)
R Kelly - Slow Wind
Ricky Martin - I Don't Care
Sean Paul - Temperature
Teairra Mari - No Daddy
T-Pain - I'm Sprung
Twista - Hit The Floor
Ying Yang Twins - Shake
(last two songs won't play)

What a bunch of crap. I haven't enjoyed this music since Snoop Doggy Dogg's first album altered the state of rap music forever.

To Alex, Love Julia!

I guess Alex didn't love Julia since he tossed this fucker out his car window. It's really a shame that it doesn't play since it's the one that shows the most promise musically. The only song that plays is the first one: Don't Walk Away Eileen by Sam Roberts.

These things are such fun to collect. It's like finding a small chunk of someone's life, tossed out into the street as if this part of their life wasn't worth holding onto.

Then there's me - I keep all my mix tapes and CDs.