Saturday, December 9, 2017

Junq Tour 2017: Neepawa

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Neepawa's Book & Tape shop is gone. Their pie restaurant is gone too. However, the thrift store is still there, and it was jam packed with lots of interesting stuff! This is a hefty entry, so I hope your boss is out of the office for the day while you waste company time checking out all this crap.

Mac Frampton - Mac

If this was autographed by Peter Frampton, I'd be a millionaire! Alas, it's just some guy named Mac. It would have been cool if his middle name was Mac and his first name was Fleetwood, making him Fleetwood Mac Frampton. He'd sing songs like "I want you-oo-oo, to go your own way!

Anyway, Fleetwood Mac Frampton is a piano genius! Well, at least HE thinks he is. The only reason I bought this thing is because he does a version of Classical Gas, which has absolutely NOTHING to do with this blog. I swear! It's just a coincidence that I fell in love with the song YEARS before I started blogging. If you add farting noises to this recording, I supposed you could call the song Classical Gas Emissions.

Listen to Classical Gas

Barbie Sings The Princess Movie Song Collection

I don't know what it is about my feeble brain that cannot get over the fact that Barbie (and Ken) are both recording artists. Perhaps it's the fact that they're both DOLLS that cannot TALK. Barbie's personality is supposed to be defined by the child playing with her. Barbie could be an evil bitch, she could be as sweet as pie, or possibly even a commanding dominatrix.

When Barbie releases an album, all we hear is emptiness in her personality, and this collection of princess songs is no exception. Here she is singing about a cat. Or a dog. I dunno, I wasn't paying attention.

Listen to The Cats Meow

Bob Fuhr and The Evidence - Baby Face / Head Over Heels

Oh those fuzzy 1980s synthy songs! This 45 was made by some Winnipeg guy in the middle of a 1980s nightmare. The A side isn't all that interesting, but side B is where all the action is! I could strip dance to this music! I could cut cheese to this music! I could bounce my balls to this music! Ouch!

Listen to Head Over Heels

Lucio Agostini and Orchestra with The Art Hallman Singers - Hey Look Us Over (American Motors / Rambler Promo)

When I first grabbed this sound sheet in the flashy packaging, I had no clue it was from 1966. I mean, the fact that it was sealed with a 5 cent stamp should have given it away, or perhaps the fact that it's an advertisement for a 1967 Rambler.

The packaging shows that 18 people are on this recording! I hope they all received a crappy free Rambler for their services.

Listen to Hey Look Us Over!

Ralph Bennett - At The End of the Rainbow: Waihi in a Song

I've never been to Waihi, so I figured this tape would give me a good idea of what it's like. I've learned that their songs are too long, people talk instead of sing, and everything is really boring there.

As for the cover, someone named Angie Deacon ate a bunch of paint, threw up on a piece of glossy Fujicolor paper, and called it "perfect".

So if you have nothing to do for about nine minutes, feel free to fill that time with this crappy "song".

Listen to At The End of the Rainbow

Get More with DeckX

For all you unemployed losers out there, DeckX is offering to pay people to drive their trucks and listen to songs by some guy named Scott Nolan. I can't help but wonder how many dicks Scott had to suck to get his songs included on this disc.

All the content on this CD was mashed into ONE STINKING TRACK on this disc, so I had to split up the songs and the boring talking guy. You'll get all six of the tracks, and maybe Scott will motivate you to get your fat ass into a semi (or at the very least into the trailer of one)

As for the songs.... well.... They're mediocre. I'm not about to run out and buy his Bad Bourbon and Broken Radio album (or whatever the fuck it's called). It's all twonky country-ish crap that wouldn't turn my crank even if it were sticking out of my ass.

song: Golden
more blah blah blah
song: Right on the Wrong Time
blah blah blah again
song: This Train

Martin Collis - Fit to Sing

This is a very strange cassette. Martin Collis is a doctor from British Columbia who decided to quit his practice and become a singing comedian. I'm not fucking kidding! I guess he got tired of sticking his finger in people's bum holes. There's only so much shit you can take in life.

I'll give Dr. Collis some credit though, the dialogue and the songs are entertaining!

Listen to Have a Tequila

In The Style of Tammy Wynette

Holy shit! We haven't seen an 8-track from Fantastic F in quite some time! And it's just as awful as we expect it to be! The picture of Tammy Wynette on the cover is a perfect artist's rendition. He also painted two guys in the background looking at her ass.

You get all the classics here: Divorce, Golden Ring, Stand By Your Man, and I'd Like to See Jesus (which Tammy finally did in 1998 after listening to this shitty 8-track)

I've given you the song "Golden Ring" which features a duet with some guy (no, it's not George Jones. You expect too much). You don't get the whole song though. Fantastic F cut off the end because Program 2 ran out of time. Such is the life of a cheap imitation 8-track.

Listen to Golden Ring

In The Style of Kenny Rogers & Dottie West

Kaboom! Starburst explodes into your face with one of their shitty cheap imitation Kenny Rogers albums (they have three others to my knowledge). This particular release has one of the channels inverted, so listening to it in Mono will produce REALLY BAD results. So if you have a mono computer, you might want to throw it away and buy a new one so you can hear this recording in it's true half-inverted glory! I could have fixed the problem in a wave editor, but fuck that. We're purists here at Classical Gas Emissions!

So here's some purely fake Kenny Rogers performed by Buster Fykes & Pam Peddie (who both desperately need to change their legal names)

Listen to Lovin Feelin

Super Hits Including Tie a Yellow Ribbon

There is so much awesomeness going on with this 8-track tape, and that's without even playing it! I'm guessing the record label is called "Parrot Sounds" which is a great name! The tape was produced by "Spar". What the fuck is Spar? Who the fuck is Spar? Why Spar? And the artist is "The Now Generation". Fuck the tomorrow generation because we have NOW! This is all great stuff!

However.... Someone recorded over this magnificent piece of shit. We will never get to hear The Now Generation perform Drift Away or Tie a Yellow Ribbon. Instead, we get a recording of the Maclean & Maclean album "Suck Their Way to the Top / Take The 'O' out of Country". For those who don't live in Winnipeg, you really missed out on this comedy duo. The album will have you crying with laughter, so I included an excerpt from this 8-track.

Listen to "Story of the Fox" and "Daniel Boone" with a special introduction by the REAL Kenny Rogers!

Listen to Maclean & Maclean

Really - Down's Really Up

I had a bitch of a time trying to figure out who to credit this piece of garbage to. This was written by Jim Henman & Peter Henry, but Terry Kelly and Jeannie Beks are singing it, and the spine credits "(arrow down)really(arrow up)". If you want credit for your crappy song, you need to make it clear who made it. Although I don't think anybody really cares because this song sucks.

I'm guessing this song was written about a kid with Down's Syndrome. If you record a song about a kid with Down's Syndrome, you have singled them out. Why didn't you just write a generic song about your child like Eric Clapton did?

But that's the whole purpose of this CD. If you think it's the greatest song in the whole world, track 2 is a karaoke version so you can sing about Down's Syndrome kids too!

From the back of the CD:

A portion of the proceeds will be donated to organizations that are dedicated to enriching the lives of persons with Down syndrome.

First of all, it's "Down's Syndrome". You spelled it wrong. Second, why only "a portion" of the proceeds? You wanna get paid for your crummy song? I hope you enjoyed selling all three copies and prematurely retired off your profits!

Listen to Down's Really Up

Ray Larway & P.J. Neufeld - Harmonica Favorites III

This is apparently the third release by Ray-yay-yay and PJ Harvey. My life will not be complete until I find the first two volumes, and I have a feeling it will never happen. My tortured soul will not rest, and it will haunt these two for all eternity (or at least until they're dead, if they're not already).

These two perform some really old songs such as "Pub With No Beer" and "This Land is Your Land". They can play well enough, but whoever is singing these songs sounds like he's had a few to drink, and his thundering voice will scare any child into a coma.

I'm giving you the final song on the tape, which was apparently a tad too long and suffered a horrible death at the hands of a transparent light blue cassette leader.

Listen to Waltzing Matilda

Morrison Recording Laboratories Soundmaster Record

Side one is a bunch of religious chime music. I hate chimes! I'm much happier with the completely unlabelled side 2 which gives off a constant sound tone. It has an urgent sound, telling you to quit fucking playing this side of the record and go back to the other side with the stupid chimes on it.

Listen to ?????

Cyril Kidds - When I Was Twenty One

HEY! I don't see any Kidds on this album! All I see is an old man!

According to the back of the record sleeve, Cyril wrote and recorded all these songs on his own. He was a farmer, and he creamed all over Manitoba. Well... He trucked cream all over Manitoba while working for the Portage Creamery.

Now that we're all moist and creamy, we can talk about his job at the funeral home. I guess he decided to record this after seeing all the death in front of him, and suspected that his time was very short. He recorded these songs so that... ummm... somebody would enjoy them. Perhaps he placed copies of it inside people's coffins so his music would live forever. And THAT is how your music goes underground!

This album isn't great. His guitar is out of tune, and his voice is a bit out of tune too. He makes a few mistakes here and there, but the vinyl it's pressed on is as smooth as cream.

Listen to Dear Old Harrowby
Download the entire album!

Compact Disc Laser Lens Cleaner

I felt it was time to get all this shitty music out of my CD player and give it a good scrubbing. Enter Radio Shack's CD Lens Cleaner!

So here's how these things work... They make a CD with some crappy music, and then rip someone's eye lashes off their head and glue them to the bottom of the CD. Stick it in your player, listen to it, and just like magic, your player is completely sterilized from all the shit you've been playing in it.

Since I've been playing all this garbage over the internet and through your speakers, I figured this disc will help clean out any residual crap that may have been left behind on the internet.

Listen to track 1
Listen to track 3
(track 2 was long and blank)

Alex Wallman-Will Gentry - Bring Her Home

After cleaning your CD lens, it's time to shit it all up again! Rural thrift stores seem to get all these one-time recorded records such as this one. I don't know who Nashco Productions is or was, but I'm glad they got paid to put this twonky-fart-fart music onto an aluminium-core disc. Side 2 is blank, and I'd rather listen to that than this piss poor excuse for a country song.

Listen to Bring Her Home

Voice-O-Graph - Boris (only) singing

This is an interesting one! Back in the 1940s-1960s, there were small recording booths located at places like fairgrounds that people could enter, pay a coin, and record themselves onto a record such as the one you see above. The records are cheaply made. They're simply a piece of cardboard with a layer of plastic on top. Over time, the plastic will crack and flake off which I've seen in the past. This one is still intact, although there are some cracks where there is no recording. It's just a matter of time before it starts flaking.

As for the statement that this record is inflammable, I'm not going to give it much credit since it IS a piece of cardboard.

Listen to Boris singing!

Phew! That was a lot of garbage to sift through. Anyway, we have one more stop on the Junq Tour in Portage La Prairie and then I'll get to the Christmas Crap!

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