Thursday, December 7, 2017

Junq Tour 2017: Brandon

The city of Brandon... Where the wheat flows and my best friend's ex-wife can be found if you want to curb-stomp the whore. Well, at least the thrift stores didn't screw me over!

Brandon MCC


Banner Country Singers




I initially bought this one simply because there was a version of "Bridge Over Troubled Water" on it. I've been collecting strange and shitty versions of the song, and plan on doing a visit to Amateur Hour with them.

This group of women recorded this album in the super-famous town of Esterhazy, Saskatchewan which is famous for their... umm... people named Ester. Surprisingly, these ladies are actually quite talented and sing very well! Judging from a photo taken from the stage at one of their performances, one of these ladies has a nice ass.

Listen to Take Me Home Country Roads


Tillie Harpelle - Wanderin' On




This is Tillie's second appearance on Classical Gas Emissions! You can see her first one here. This time, she's older than ever and still yodeling her face off, except this time she's doing it while walking down a railroad track. I'm guessing a train smacked her ass dead afterwards.

I don't know why people knock a good yodeler. They can bring a smile to a child, a smile to an alligator, a smile to a wrinkled old man with a big cock, and a smile to a guy who writes shitty blog entries in his spare time.

Listen to The Yodelling Trail Rider


Prairie Sunshine - Our Best to You



According to the cover, someone set these guys on fire, and rightly so. May they forever burn in hell for ruining songs such as "Hello Mary Lou", "Funny Face", and "Are You Lonesome Tonight". These songs have a suicidal sadness to them in hopes that you'll join the band in the eternal torment of a fiery afterlife. The album should have been called "Our Worst To You". Also, the songs almost all sound the same.

Listen to their sad version of Funny Face
Listen to their dialogue-free version of Are You Lonesome Tonight


John Martens -- Cordovox / Fred Wolfe -- Bass Violin



This title-free album was recorded on the bottom of someone's shoe, where dog shit and old chewing gum fester with all these fucking terrible renditions of old Christian songs. This disc inclues the hits "Happiness is The Lord (when he's not listening to this terrible music)", "Each Step I Take (I smell dog shit)", "Oh Mighty God, How Great Thou Art (for forgetting to give me some talent)", and "In The Shady Green Pastures (a pissed off blogger stomped the hell out of this crappy CD and broke it into a million pieces)"

May the lord have mercy on your ears!

Listen to In Times Like These


The Countdown Dance Masters - Macarena Tropical Disco




The Madacy record label has opened your wallet and taken a shit inside of it yet again with this release. When your band is called "The Countdown Dance Masters", you really can't expect them to delight you with their dance talent by listening to a cassette. So instead, you have to put up with their singing.

I'll admit, I'm a sucker for any piece of garbage with the word "Macarena" on it. However, this time around you get Macarena-fied version of "In The Summertime", "Oye Como Va", "Lambada" and a bunch of other songs. Okay... They're not really Macarena-fied, they just put the word "Macarena" on the tape to sell it during the Macarena dance crisis.

Listen to Sweat (Alalalalalong)


Jammin' Sam - Can't Go Wrong With A Little Creedence Song



One day, a man woke up after having a stroke that left him half paralyzed and said, "I'm going to start a Creedence Clearwater Revival Tribute Band!"

This CD was released as a benefit album to help raise money for a local charity. Unfortunately, I think it's the band that needs help more than the charity. These covers are fucking awful. Those assholes left in the real CCR band should have sued these guys instead of John Fogerty. Hell, John Fogerty should sue them too!

So now join me if you will, to go rallin' down the river with Jammin' Sam! (To all those who aren't Canadian, I swear that we don't talk or sing like this! Honest!)

Listen to Proud Mary
Listen to Fortunate Son
Download the whole album!


Value Village


I'm very sad to report that most of the stuff I bought at Value Village actually wasn't half bad, although it gets a little bit strange. So let's take a stroll through this stuff...


The Reverend Rambler



The album cover completely won me over. We've got a sleazy motherfucker holding up a bible, sticking out his snake tongue. I thought this was going to be some guy rambling off bible verses, but it is not.

It's bluesy, twonky, catchy, and it's really good! If there's one complaint I have, it's the production work. They took the mix and brickwalled it, so it's a bit distorted. It's still pretty enjoyable thought!

Listen to Get Down
Buy the album at Bandcamp


The Western Union - Album No. 2



This band goes all the way back to my childhood. I bought their first album (or got my dad to buy it for me) from a thrift store back when I was around five years old. The only reason I picked it was because of the record label's logo, which was the locally-run Galaxy Records. This record label normally catered to Ukrainian music (much like V-Records) but they did a one-off for The Western Union. Although the band wasn't happy with the release, I thought it was pretty good.

As for their second album, I have to say it's just as good as their first one.

As a side note, the band (which is a project by Bill and Sue-On Hillman) had their own television show, and the albums were mainly an extension of it. I doubt there are any episodes of the show still in existence, but at least we have the records!

Listen to You Were On My Mind


Cathedrals - Unbound / Harlem



It's not often I'll find a newer record at a thrift store (and a 45rpm to boot), but I came across this limited pressing (298/400) of a song by The Cathedrals. They kind of remind me of The Raveonettes, but less distorted. This single is actually pretty damn good! I crave more! I found more! Happiness ensues!

Listen to Unbound
Listen to more of them on Soundcloud!


CDs by Atlantis





It's time to get your fag on and dip your cock into a nice brown butthole of music! I just couldn't turn down the bizarreness of these album covers. There's plenty of male nipple to be had, and enough astroglide to grease up every single band member performing on all three of these CDs.

The tracks on these albums are pretty much just gay club techno versions of some very well known songs. All your favourite performers are here: Boys, Housecream, Boys Boys Boys, MC Joe, In.Deep, and a bunch of other really gay performances by a bunch of really gay names.

So grease those earbuds up and slide them into your asshole with this pooptastic Green Day cover!

Listen to Boulevard of Broken Dreams


Daniel O'Donnell - Rock 'n' Roll Hits / Remembering Elvis





Who says the Irish can't sing like the greats? Well, I do. However, good ol' Danny boy isn't all that terrible. He just can't shut the fuck up about how much he likes these songs. I'm dead serious, he does almost as much talking on these albums as he does singing the songs. Since he's extremely boring to listen to, I've excluded him talking about these damn songs and just left in the performances. The band isn't very good, but Danny boy has a very non-offensive voice. He seems like a nice guy you'd enjoy having as your neighbour. However, his rendition of "Fool Such as I" is almost as boring as him talking about how much he likes it.

Listen to Daydream Believer
Listen to A Fool Such as I


I've got some Christmas shit just waiting to be posted, but I have two more thrift store locations left to post about on this Junq Tour, so let's blast through them! Next stop: Neepawa!

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