Wednesday, June 5, 2019

Junq Tour 2018: Ashern

Much to my surprise, they cleaned up the inside of the Ashern thrift store. It used to be mostly a pile of unorganized junk. The finds weren't as good this round...

Kevin Tjaden - The Awakening

Have you ever had the desire to prance through the forest and eat Eucalyptus? Me neither, but I never had the desire to listen to music that makes me want to do that shit. This album make me want to leave this cassette under a rock for the worms to eat. On second thought, that would be cruel to the worms. These songs go on forever, and they're just as boring as watching shit dry.

I'll be honest... I bought this cassette simply because of his moustache. That thing is so big and fluffy that I can't help but wonder if it's fake. I'm pretty sure if it was real, I'd hear it brushing against the microphone while he's singing his boring lyrics.

Listen to Disillusioned

Camp Arnes Favorites

Featuring a chorus of 29 campers! Big fucking whoop! On the plus side, not all of them are tone deaf. I honestly can't sit here and listen to this annoying, shitty tape.

First of all, look at the cover. It doesn't even have the name of the tape on it. All it wants you to do is celebrate wanna-be kiddie porn. No thanks.

Most of these songs are Christian songs, and would probably do well with someone better singing them. I doubt God wants to be praised like this.

Listen to There Is a Redeemer

The Sphere Clown Band - Sharing

Shopper's Drug Mart is known for giving you prescription drugs with fantastic service. How the hell they got into selling shitty Children's albums is beyond me.

First of all, everybody hates clowns. Second, everybody hates shitty children's songs. Contrary to what I just told you, the back of the tape says that "Their records are children's favourites". I have a feeling that is an outright lie. No children would like this garbage. One of the reviews on the back simply states, "Very Clever". He probably didn't even listen to this piece of crap and just wrote something generic.

Listen to Clownercize

Homer Noodleman - This is Homer Noodleman

This tape was still sealed, because nobody wants to own a cassette by a guy who's name implies that he plays with himself.

I wasn't expecting a comedy tape by some Englishman. At least I think he's English. He's not exactly funny either. I'd rather listen to Pee Wee Herman make fart noises with his dick. However, there is one song on here, and I had to include it. He can't sing worth a damn (nor play the violin), but I generally don't expect a comedian to be able to sing. I expect him to be funny. This guy can't do any of the above.

Listen to Love Me With All Your Heart.

Ron Nelson - Honestly

The back of the disc says "Simply. Beautiful. Music." None of those are sentences, so I have no clue why each word ends with a period. Also, it's a lie. Most of these songs sound the same: BORING. It wouldn't hurt if this guy would rock out instead of plinking his strings while singing as if he's scared his creepy uncle is hiding around the corner playing with his wee wee.

Listen to Please Set Me Free

Mr. Mark - Sing-a-ma-Jiggin'

It is beyond me how a grown ass man can sing the worst fucking music I've ever heard in my life. This is worse than the Clownercize and the Camp Arnes albums put together. You get farting noises, burping noises, tubas, and the sound of a guy who needs a fucking baseball bat to the face. If you want a glimpse of how terrible the lyrics are, have a look:

Seriously, I wouldn't want my own kid to listen to this horse shit. I'm ashamed to admit I'm from the same country as this guy.

Listen to Out The Window

The Fates - 'Til We Have Faces

Hey! What the fuck is going on??? I kinda like this! I wasn't expecting that from a CD where the back was mistakenly used as the back of the booklet, the back of the booklet was used as the cover, and the cover used as the back. Whoever had the job of laying out the CD needs to be fired.

Despite all the mistakes in the printing of the cover, this CD is actually pretty good! Give it a shot if you enjoy country-bordering-on-rock music without the shitty country singer with a wad of cow cud in his mouth.

Listen to Let It Go

Next is our final destination... Riverton!


B said...

Trout Fishing In America did a much better version of "Out The Window", simply called "The Window".

Knyte said...

That last band wasn't bad musically, however they need some original songwriters. Since, that song was mostly a chord for chord rip-off of "Wonderwall" by Oasis.