Candid Pics: 10/05/10

Time for another round of pics of stupid things I see...

Louie the Lightning Bug Hydrant

Louie the Lightning Bug is a mascot for 'playing it save around electricity'. The PSAs run on cable television. So what the hell is Louie doing on a fire hydrant in Pine Falls?


Appetite for Urination 

I shit you not, this is a menu from a restaurant in Winnipeg. While you're browsing the wine list, please take a moment and learn how you should piss. (Apologies for the flash glare, it was a bit dark in there).


Someone's Got A Secret!

See if you can guess which one of these girls pissed all over her hand.


Project Coffee

This was in a room where I was working. I wonder what it'll look like next year when I go back.

It's In Her Shorts (The Droop-Droop Song)

Just plain wrong.

Soup of the Gay

Found this in Superstore. Soup that tastes like cock is a novel idea, but I think I'll pass.

Junq Tour 2010: Ashern

Just take a look at this thrift store:



Walls and piles full of junk. This picture doesn't even do justice for how much crap is in this store. It's really a shame that this is the best thing about Ashern. Everything else pretty much sucks. Anyway, here's what I found...

Peanuts Cook Book (1974)

 

This is a weird one. It's got a bunch of Peanuts comics on one page, and some fairly basic recipes on the other page. What can you cook out of this? Well, there's Dog Food, A Cheese & Tomato Sandwich, Lemonade, Carrots, Cinnamon Toast, and a few others. Not sure why they put this one in, since I doubt many kids would like Prunes:



I dare all of you out there to make this and tell me it's tasty.


Jake Chenier - Pizza Paradise



Jake Chenier may look like Raffi, but he sounds like a man who is nicer than Mr. Rogers. He's got a very happy, non-threatening voice. The songs on this tape are dumb enough to classify it as a children's album. I must admit, I actually do like the acapella "Banana Split" song. Thank god the entire album wasn't full of songs about pizza (only two are). But this song is kinda lame. It's about a dumbass who keeps trying to get a pizza from the same place. Every time he places an order, the entire staff fucks off for a vacation.

Listen to "Pizza, My Heart's Delight"


Ike Turnpike & The Ditchcombers sing Roadkill



I really wasn't sure what to think of an album containing songs such as "Road Kill Junkie" and "Dining and Dancing at the Road Kill Cafe". I was hoping it would be funny... Like REALLY REALLY hoping that it would be funny.

It's not. It's stupid. How stupid is it? The entire ALBUM is about eating roadkill, whether it be freshly killed by an 18 wheeler, or rotting in the ditch for the last week. I never for the life of me would have thought ANYBODY could write an entire album about roadkill, but here it is. How in bloody hell did they get a record deal? Oh wait, the record label is located in Winnipeg. We've been pretty desperate to find the next Guess Who, haven't we?

Here's the song "Road Killer's Waltz"



Fisher Price Tape (circa 1985)



This mostly has some 80s music recorded on it and side 2 is blank. However, the end of side 1 contained something quite interesting. It sounds like a couple of teenagers playing with a circuit-bent Speak n' Spell. It's pretty funny listening to the toy spew out random crap while these kids try to interpret what it's doing.

Listen here!

If you've never seen a Speak n' Spell (let alone a circuit-bent one), you're in luck. Someone created an online simulation of a circuit-bent Speak n' Read so you can make your own crazy noises! Click here to play with it!





And now, for the coolest thing I found....



A Q-Bert Mini-Arcade!

This thing is the ONLY way portable gaming should be done! Four C Cells, a joystick, and a vacuum fluorescent display! Q-bert's body consists of a pair of legs and a ball for a head. The legs are also used to simulate Wrong Way / Ugg. Coily (the snake) has his own image.

How the hell do I know all their names? I owned the incredibly crappy Q-Bert board game at one point in my life which had all their names written on a die to decide who moves. The board game version was dreadfully awful.

Anyway, this Mini-Arcade works 100% and doesn't have any rust in the battery compartment. It's also a load of fun to play! There seem to be a couple of "features" missing that are present in the console version; Slick (that little green guy who changes all the colors back) doesn't make an appearance, and the green ball doesn't show up in any way, shape, or form.

I was going to make a video of the thing working, but someone else already did that. I'm lazy, so here's their video of the little machine working. The guy playing is either not very good, or he just doesn't give a shit.



Next on the Junq Tour? I don't know. It might be the thrift store in Lundar. It depends on how good/bad/stupid the one item I picked up is.

Album: Mini Stars

I'm heading back out to Ashern for the week, so I figured I'd squirt out a quick blog entry for your enjoyment.

After the original Mini Pops were dropped in 1989, Quality records (who released the final three Mini Pops albums in Canada) decided to continue making albums with kids singing pop songs. Thus, the Mini Stars were born. These kids don't have british accents, so I highly suspect they were Canadian.

This is the second-worst fucking thing I've ever listened to (the first is here). If you listen to the original Mini-Pops albums, the kids are all pre-puberty with the occasional adult backing the vocals just to make it sound a bit more full. In this horrible follow-up, the kids have entered puberty and their voices have changed. All the kids who haven't entered puberty do the back-ups, giving it a Sammy Davis Jr. "Candy Man" sound. The song "This Beat Is Technotronic" is mis-labelled as "Pump Up The Jam".

These song renditions are completely terrible. I have a feeling that there were NO kids who enjoyed this unbelievable piece of garbage, and were much happier spending their money on the original albums done by Roxette, New Kids on the Block, and MC Hammer.

First, I'm delivering to you this hilariously bad and somewhat re-written version of "U Can't Touch This".

LISTEN HERE!


I pulled this second song out of a Medley. I'll warn you now, this hurts both the ears AND the brain! I really wish this kid didn't fall for Leader Of The Pack:

LISTEN HERE!

My sincerest apologies for doing that to your ears, but if I have to go through the pain, so do you!

Download the full album HERE! 

Junq Tour 2010: Thompson

It's been a while since I've been on tour, but the next month or so is going to be jam-packed with adventure! I was able to travel up to Thompson and browse the thrift stores up there. But before I get to that, here's some pictures I snapped along the way...


This is me enjoying the beautiful sights and sounds of Pisew Falls

 
Here's some lovely graffiti on a gas station bathroom wall in Grand Rapids.


And now, straight from Thompson....


It's 392 Thompson drive! Why is this significant? Three years ago, I posted a recording of my Uncle talking to a prank caller in this post. This is the building he lived in. What a fucking dump.


Anyway, enough of the scenery. Let's get to the goods...

There are two thrift stores in Thompson. One is on Thompson drive, and is full of mostly terrible junk. The only thing remotely interesting was the Christian blooper video of 100 Huntley Street which I didn't buy. Come on, this isn't Jerry Springer for chrissake!

The other thrift store is on Fox Bay, and was jam packed with stuff. I spent a whole $1.50 on the crap you'll see and hear below...


As a side note, this blog entry should be alternatively titled, "Talentless Album Art Directors"



Hits of the 50s Vol. 1

  

Pink background, black letters. This is what you're getting folks! It may not be by the original hits by the original artists, but these are hits of the 50s!

Wait a minute, what's "Runaround Sue" doing on here? That was recorded in 1961.

HEY! What's "Bristol Stomp" doing on here? That was recorded in 1961 too!

Jesus Christ, "Da Doo Ron Ron" is on here as well! That was recorded in 1963.

I got fucking RIPPED OFF!

Now, for your pleasure, here is "Beep Beep" originally done by the Playmates (yes, this is a hit from the 50s - I wouldn't rip off the loyal readers of my blog!) The assholes who recorded this version used a pussy-ass synthesizer to simulate a horn. It sounds just as funny as a squeaky fart.

Listen to Beep Beep!



Instrumental Gold Vol. 1


Art Director: We need cover art for our new "Instrumental Gold Vol. 1" album. Any ideas?
Photographer: Sure, we could rent some musical instruments and take a picture of those!
Art Director: What? You're fucking crazy! I don't have that kind of money!
Photographer: This is a record label. You make all kinds of money!
Art Director: This is "North American Superhits"! We sell our albums for $2 each!
Photographer: Oh, sorry. I thought you were a real record label
Art Director: Never mind that. Go take a picture of those dead Dandelions outside. That'll give the listener a good clue of how great this album sounds.
Photographer: Okay, boss!

And if it wasn't Moogy enough for you, they tried to make the song Popcorn even more Moogiful! It doesn't even sound like real popcorn anymore, and the Moog player messes up playing it.

Listen to Popcorn!



Wayne Bartlett - The Dream Still Lives


I love it when people flip through their photo albums to choose a photo for their album cover. They see one, point, and say "THAT ONE!!!" Wayne Bartlett released this cassette in 1995, but the photo screams "1983!" I love his giant sunglasses, his trucker's cap, and his 1983 Chevy van. Also, nothing says "manly" more than those big puffy pink flowers on the cover, thanks to Wayne's wife's lovely art direction.

The scary thing is this is Wayne's FIFTH album. I wonder if the other 4 are just as shitty as this one. I had to listen to this song TWICE to make sure I heard what I heard. Then I checked the lyric sheet, and it was worse that what I heard:

"Just last night I went and peed
On a light pole down the street
I had the urge to show my bird
To that new dog on the street
And all the little doggies
Smellin' to the doggy do-doo
Oughtta be down here in this hole with me
Instead of being up there with you"

The good people at Robinson-Blackmore botched the insert. They printed the lyrics to side one TWICE and completely left out side 2.

I can't help but wonder how many songs Wayne wrote about peeing on random things. Perhaps after I'm done making a digital copy of this song, I'll pee on the tape and see if Wayne's singing improves. On second thought, maybe not. I don't need to be cleaning piss out of my lovely Onkyo deck.

Listen to Heart Like A Grindstone!

And that wraps it up for Thompson. Next on the Junq Tour, we get to re-visit the thrift store in Ashern!

Video: Why Do Kids Listen To Rock Music?

Over the last little while, I've picked up a few interesting Christian videos. Now, when I say "interesting", it means "bloody ridiculous and highly entertaining!"



This is the first one I'm going to share with you. Of course, the title made me grab it immediately. Rich Wilkerson hates rock music. He even states that he has a strong personal bias against it in the video. He relates rock music to three main topics: Drug abuse, Sexual Immorality, and Demonic Worship. Since I own albums by most of the bands he attacks, it's pretty obvious that I have a heroin addiction, I participate in weekly orgies, and I offer a sacrifice of goat's blood to Satan every weekend. Rock music has greatly enriched my life!

So which bands and singers does he list in his motivational sermon? Here's a short list:

Van Halen
Loverboy
Supertramp
Rolling Stones
Judas Priest
Alice Cooper
David Bowie
Ted Nugent
Ozzy Osbourne
Black Sabbath
Duran Duran
AC/DC
Nazareth
Blue Oyster Cult
Styx
Meat Loaf
Krokus
The Police
Iron Maiden

I'm flattered that he mentioned my personal favorite (Blue Oyster Cult) but I'm kinda shocked that he bothered to pick on Loverboy, Styx, and Duran Duran. He also quickly went down a list of bands who's members had died from drug overdose.

But Mr. Wilkerson seemed to be particularly offended by Iron Maiden (who, by the way, puts on a great concert!) Here is Mr. Wilkerson ranting about how offensive Iron Maiden is to God:



So, what was the real message of this video? Does he actually answer the question "Why do kids listen to rock music?" Of course he answers. The reason kids listen to rock music is because they're lonely!

Excuse me while I go listen to my demonic Duran Duran album.