Thursday, April 23, 2015

Album: Heavy Hits Vol. 1

OOOOOH YESSS!!!! I bought another one! You can check out my other Exclusive Records review here. These guys are the absolute worst of the batch. They beat out Fantastic F, Avenue of America, and Arc all put together. This is the shit, and I mean SHIT. This is volume one of a.... Well, if we've learned anything about cheap imitation albums, it's that a "volume one" listed on the album cover doesn't necessarily mean that there's going to be a volume two. Or, it could mean the complete opposite and indicate that there's going to be a volume 29.

I'm not gonna waste any more of your time, so let's get to the highlights of this record...

Rockin' Robin

Nothing says "heavy" like a jazzy boppy tune like Rockin' Robin! Listen to those dark tweedly deedly deets! Feel the soul crushing clapping! And those demonic lyrics make you wanna break an egg! The flute player is totally out to lunch on this one. He's smoke too much weed, went off wandering in the woods, and is tripping out while watching the magical winged creatures of the forest. At the end of the song, we have a special appearance by Mr. Bassman himself!

Listen to Rockin' Robin

Sadly, this is the best of the three that I'm featuring here. Let's move on to browner pastures...

Rock And Roll Pt. 2

Gary Glitter's original version featured very little lyrical content other than a bunch of pedophelic men screaming "HEYYYY" throughout the entire song. This version features very little screaming of the word "HEYYYY". It's mostly some guy playing the same boring beat on the drums, and... well I guess the guitar guy is okay since he does a fine job playing the riff, although there seems to be some disconnect between him and the vocalists. I can't believe I just called them "vocalists". They could have just got some guy belching into the microphone which could have been just as effective, so I mixed one into the song just for fun.

If this version were played at a sporting event, the players would just walk off the field and go home.

In case you were wondering, all of Gary Glitter's royalties from this album go towards the purchase of a new pocket pussy. Too bad the record was released in the early 1970s and is no longer in print, so Gary's gonna have to wait a few years to get out of jail and claim his prized piece of silicone... if the royalties even amount to the value of one.

Listen to Rock and Roll Pt. 2

School's Out

If you like nails on a chalk board, this one is perfect for you! The vocalist sounds like a black man trying to put some soul into his delivery, the children sing out of key, and the guitar is probably just a broken bugle. It sounds as if there's only two children in this recording who are most likely the record producer's kids. If this version were released instead of Alice Cooper's masterpiece, teenagers everywhere would be without an anthem and would have to resort to "Rockin' Robin" for their heavy metal fix.

I'll be surprised if you make it through the entire recording.

Listen to School's Out

Yeah, I've been a bit skimpy in putting together entries as of late. I've been busy being all stressed out from some of life's events, but they've drastically improved over the last few weeks. Things are on their way up! As a side note, I had a friend inherit a big pile of records, and there's some pretty awful finds in there. I really didn't need more crap to review, but she assures me that there's some pretty stinky turds in the pile.

In more news, in case you didn't hear through the Facebook page, the Junq Tour will likely be returning this fall! I'll be back on the hunt throughout the thrift stores of Manitoba, looking for things to torture you with!


Anonymous said...

My ears will never be the same. You might want to get insurance to cover the inevitable lawsuits for acquired tinnitus

Fluteboy said...

School's Out was definitely a nails-on-a-blackboard affair!