Monday, April 18, 2016

Wedding Tips From The Experienced!

Wedding season is upon us! Since I don't want your wedding and marriage to suck ass, I'm going to provide you with some great advice based on some of the materials sitting in my queue. So put down those wedding invitations, hang up on the guy who's booking your wedding reception, and listen up! You're going to get the input of some seasoned professionals here, so I'm going to need your undivided and full attention! Let's get started...

A Day Filled With Love - Crystal & Cary Brosch - October 5, 2002

I bought this CD at the thrift store for 2 bucks. I generally pass by people's wedding mix favour CDs, but this one had a bit of a twist to it. It contained a slideshow of Crystal and Cary through the years! How exciting!

At first glance of the track listing, you're probably saying to yourself, "These songs blow cookie dough!" Yes, most of these songs are fucking terrible, but don't knock them just yet. How do you know these songs aren't going to cement the foundation of your marriage and prove to be the greatest bedroom mix CD for an evening of passionate penile penetration? Try saying that twelve times fast.

Here's the contents of the "readme" file that came with the CD...

Honoured Guests:
We would like to take this opportunity to thank you for sharing in our special day.  We have composed this CD for you which entales some of our favorite love songs together with a great slideshow of us when we were younger, just to give you a little taste of what cute little angels we were and still are.
To play the songs that we have chosen, open the "Music" folder or simply put it into any audio CD player (including your car stereo).  Hope you enjoy.
To view the slideshow that we have created, open the "Pictures" folder and look for the "CrysCary.exe" file.  Double click on that and the slideshow will start. Select 3 seconds for the interval time, uncheck auto loop and check the effects box.
Thanks again for coming. Hope you have enjoyed yourself and this CD.
Cary and Crystal Brosch

I decided against the idea of putting up a video of the slideshow, and instead included the most interesting pictures that were on it. So here are the "cute angels" in all their glory...

So now you may ask, how are they doing 14 years later? I'm happy to say that they're still together!



I told you not to knock their shitty taste in music!

Our Wedding Record, As recorded by Jack Pearce

I absolutely love finding acetates. You never know what's going to be recorded on them. I found this one at a record sale for 3 bucks. James and Sharon Walker were married on July 27, 1968. I've never seen a wedding recorded onto a record before, but I suppose it was a big deal back then since nobody had a VCR to watch their wedding over and over and over and over and over again. I can't help but wonder how much this service cost them.

Judging from the recording, it seems that it was recorded onto a reel to reel tape first, and then compiled for the record. Most people back then didn't have reel to reel machines nor 8-track players, so a record was probably the most ideal way to go.

Whoever stored this record did an extremely shitty job. This particular brand of record was (to my knowledge) made by Transco, and has an aluminium core. The record has a fairly significant warp in it. To get aluminium to warp like this takes a real talent for stupidity and neglect. I would've tried to remove the warp with a hammer, but I figured that might have been a bad idea.

I've uploaded the entire recording, but it's a fairly boring listen. If you've been to at least one traditional religious wedding, then you're in for no surprises here. This is exactly why I don't upload the wedding videos I find. A wedding record however is a rare treat.

Listen to James & Sharon's Wedding!

For Daily Living #5: You and Your Love Life

Yes! Now we're into the real meat of your love life. Pay attention you brides and grooms to be! I've touched on one of these records before (the one on how to talk to your kids about sex) and I own about 14 different volumes in this series. I've been trying to figure out whether to stick them in as I see fit, or to do an entire entry on these. They're all interesting in their own special fucked up kind of way.

On this one, we get to find out how husbands are horrible people and how wives are horrible people. The flip side is a drama about a husband who's too busy making money to fuck his wife. There is no happy ending to this story. Her ticking biological clock eventually explodes, and the world becomes a more miserable, splattered-uterus covered place. You'll enjoy it!

I must give kudos to the organ player for their continuous marathon of depressing background music. He or she deserves a trophy.

Listen to The Ten Worst Faults of Wives & Husbands
Listen to My Lap Is Empty

So to summarize, here's what we've learned:

What Wives Do Wrong

- Being a lazy slob
- Being a nagging bitch
- Crying and whining
- Temper tantrums and cursing like fuck
- Being dominant
- Spending too much money on useless shit
- Being Jealous
- Not wanting to fuck
- Never being home

What Husbands Do Wrong

- Not spending time with his family
- Continued sucking on his mom's sagging breasts
- Using his wife as a cum dumpster
- Drinking and gambling
- Jealousy
- Not Telling his wife he loves her

Now that you've come to the end of this blog entry, you're now ready to tie the knot, fuck like rabbits, and have 20 children. Then both of you will get old, piss in your adult diapers, and tell each other "I love you and all your sexy ways."

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