Tuesday, December 13, 2022

Junq Tour 2022: Niverville

Niverville's thrift store has never appeared on the Junq Tour. It's a shame because their prices are generally fantastic, and their blog-worthy content is plentiful. So let's dive in!

In Love With The Flute

There is absolutely no artist listed anywhere in the inlay, so I cannot assume that the flute player is a human. All the credit goes to "Fastforward Music". There's a good reason they're called that which I'm sure you can figure out.

This album contains weather-channelled versions of all your favourites like "Wind Beneath My Wings". I have yet to meet a single person who hates that song. I'm sure you love it and I'm sure you think I love it too.

Listen to Groovy Kind of Love because Wind Beneath My Wings sucks

The Wood Knotts

I wood have expected this album to have a drummer on it since it's knott recorded at Silver Shit Streams. However, there is knott a drummer to be found. I also wood've preferred these guys to be proficient at their instruments, but they are knott.

Although the songs themselves are okay on this album, the squeaky violins make you long for the days when chalkboards still ruled the classrooms.

Listen to Waltzing Through The Leaves

Spokesmen - I Have Seen The Light

I cracked open the seal on this one to let all the nasty demons onto the internet. For a tape that was sealed, there's certainly a lot of dropouts on this recording. Perhaps the master tape at Ontrack Audio Recordings gets reused for every shitty artist after they do their run of 50 cassettes (that they only sell three of).

I am so desperately trying to resist peeling off the gold foil seal. What's under it? A smiley face? A picture of the yellow Teletubby? A vortex into a dimension where everything is just as awful as this album? That one scares me the most.

The songs themselves are corny and awful. The vocals are dry, loud and lousy. The beginnings and ends of songs are cut off. Obviously an extremely professional project done by masters of their field. Billie Eilish should hire them to work on her albums. I would send her the names of these professionals, but their names are strangely absent from the liner notes.

Listen to Walk Dem Golden Stairs

Richard S Unruh - Harmonicas Vol. 2

Volume 1 is here!

I have volume 3 but I haven't reviewed it yet.

Silver Shit Streams enjoys recording Richard S. Unruh because he always shows up without a drum set. Because harmonicas can easily grate on your nerves, the team of recording engineers at Silver Shit Streams drown the hell out of Richard's harmonica playing with reverb and echo. There is easily 30+ minutes of this racket for you to not enjoy. If you combine the other two volumes, there is easily 90+ minutes of this noise for you to not enjoy. You'd be better off listening to Lou Reed's Metal Machine Music. At least that only lasted for one album.

Listen to I Saw One Hanging On a Tree

The Good Will Singers - Our Life is Like a Summer's Day

Either this album looked like a real treasure, or I was completely oblivious during the Junq Tour because I bought three fucking copies of it. At least now I have a couple of tapes to record someone more talented.

So, is your life like a summer's day? Well, you can compare anything to a summer's day. Candy is like a summer's day. So is beer. And vaginas. And maybe even dog shit. All of it works if you truly believe it.

This is a Silver Shit Streams special which means there are no drums on this recording. I'm guessing drums are the devil's instrument. Anyway, this album sounds like a cross between The Chipmunks and an old D*sney special. All the musicians on the album decided it was a good idea to include all of their phone numbers on the inlay, so if you find one of the voices talented enough, you can phone them and ask them to sing for you.

Listen to Our Life Is Like a Summer's Day

Circle of Friends - The World's Greatest Story

I have the world's greatest story for you... When I was rewinding this cassette, it broke at the splice which would have prevented any of you from hearing this garbage. Unfortunately, I am proficient in repairing cassettes.

As with any Silver Shit Streams release, drums are nowhere to be found. Another Silver Shit Streams trait is to have absolutely no talented people in the group. All of these voices sound awful together, and they also sound awful when singing solo. When you put two people together who sing flat, it sounds like they're going to break down crying and jump off a bridge at the end of the recording session. Hell, I was ready do jump off a bridge after transferring this tape.

Listen to On The Wings of a Dove

Listen to The Darkest Hour

Listen to He Didn't Stop at Calvary

Listen to The Lord Is My Shephard

Jerry Krabbenhoft and the Valley Playboys

I have no clue if this CD originally came with a cover, or if Jerry just burned this and tossed it in a slimmy to give out at the bar. Speaking of the bar, the CD features of picture of Jerry getting drunk before his recording session. If I'm honest, the first track is actually somewhat enjoyable. Unfortunately, that's the only one.

The rest of the album is destroyed by bad effects, bad covers, bad everything. You're best bet is to join Jerry for five beers on the first track and then you won't give a shit how bad the rest of the album is. You're better off using the CD as your beer coaster.

Listen to Silver Wings

Listen to Ring of Fire

Listen to Ways of a Woman In Love

The Penners Jedichta - Wo Steit Daut Met Dee Kjoakje?

Let's take a break from bad singing and listen to someone read German Poetry over cheap Casio music. Silver Streams apparently doesn't allow synthesized drums either.

Listen to Jesus Kaum Spiziare

Bert & Liz - Railway To Heaven

Bert & Liz made one appearance here in 2012.

Surprisingly, I have never seen another album by them until this year's Junq Tour. In fact, they are the stars of the Junq Tour this year. I picked up multiple albums by them, and they're absolutely fucking terrible.

First of all, look at the album cover. Bert & Liz are in black and white, and they've been badly photoshopped to make it look like they're standing on a lake full of orange juice. Let it be known that Bert & Liz are the second and third persons in history who have the ability to walk on water.

On the inlay, we get to see a picture of Bert & Liz with their two children. I'm always surprised at how many people put family pictures inside their album liner notes. For two songs, Bert & Liz give us a break from their terrible vocals and let one of their kids sing. Unfortunately, he's terrible as well.

Every song on here is awful. Railway to Heaven has the worst ending I've ever heard on a song, nobody can play in time, they used a Yamaha instead of a Casio, and somebody's cassette deck hated this album so much that it chewed it up. In fact, I'll probably have a shot at chewing on it myself after this entry is posted.

Listen to Life's Railway to Heaven

Listen to I'll Fly Away

Download the whole thing!

We'll be moving onto St. Anne next, but perhaps we'll do something a bit Christmassy so you won't feel like Santa left you out.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

The Penners Jedichta: It's not standard german, it's "Plautdietsch", also known as Mennonite Low German.