Crap Rap Albums

I haven't featured a lot of rap music on here, so it's time to blow the dust off these three albums and give them a whirl. Before you click on the little x in the corner of your browser, I should let you know that all this rap music is older than "Ice Ice Baby", so it's a bit more tolerable than the junk that came out in the mid-to-late 90s (and later). You guys are getting lots of album content here, so crank it up! Your neighbours might call the cops on you for blasting such shitty music though. At least rock n' roll ain't noise pollution (more on that later)...


Chunky A - Large and In Charge



I remember seeing this cassette in the cut-out bin for 99 cents at Woolco back in the early 90s, and something was quite odd about it. There were two different covers for this album. Why? Neither of them appeared to be controversial. I had picked up a copy many times, but always put it back in favor of something better. It just looked kinda shitty. Two years ago, I bought it for the exact same price, albeit used. I was also right to judge it by it's cover... It's pretty lousy.

This is a gray area album since it was released on MCA records. The only reason it was released on a big name label is because the rapper is Arsenio Hall wearing a fat suit. Remember Arsenio Hall? The "woof woof woof" guy? No? How about the movie "Amazon Women On The Moon"? No? Go download it. I highly recommend it. He does a small skit where he falls out a window and lands on the pavement. The entire movie is worth that scene alone. I should throw this fucking album out the window.

It's supposed to be a comedy rap album, but Arsenio should've left that for the guys who had GOOD MUSIC to go along with it, like DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince. I have no idea why Arsenio needed a fat suit to put out a comedy album. Shaquille O'Neal didn't need a fat suit, and his album "Shaq Diesel" is a goddam joke.

Arsenio does a parody of the Fine Young Cannibals song "She Drives Me Crazy" which I'm featuring here. Personally, I think the parody Weird Al did in the same year (She Drives Like Crazy) is more humorous than this lousy attempt at humour. Don't quit your day job, Arsenio. Oh wait, you don't have one, let alone a career.

Listen to Ho Is Lazy


Rap's Top 40




Wow. That's some pretty shitty artwork right there.

When you narrow your list of rap songs down to the top 40, you're gonna get a bunch of songs that nobody remembers. How about "Keep On Running" by Milli Vanilli? Do you know why nobody remembers that one? Because it was on Milli Vanilli's second album which was credited to "The Real Milli Vanilli" which eliminated the lip syncers Rob & Fab. Ever see a copy of it? No? That's because nobody bought it.

We have a pretty cool white guy on here doing "U Can't Touch This". The only reason he's cool is because he gets one of the lines wrong and deliberately inserts a bad word. Although the lyric really isn't "let me bust these fuckin' lyrics", it's certain to bring a smile to your face. He also takes a shot at the MC Hammer song "Pray" which is absolutely hilarious because he sounds like he's having way too much fun with it. Some (not all) of the lyrics are printed on the inlay in case you want to follow along... at least for some of the song.

There are other stinkers on here (including the original versions) such as "It's On You" by MC Sar & The Real McCoy. Why didn't they tackle "Another Night" which everybody knows? This song isn't even on the same album as "Another Night" (I know this because I own the damn thing - don't ask why).

We also have "C'mon And Get My Love" by D-Mob featuring "Cathy Deniss". At least they didn't tarnish Cathy Dennis's name (I have a cheap imitation version of "Touch Me All Night Long" elsewhere which accomplishes the job adequately). If they would have put D-Mob's "We Call It Acieed" on here, this album would have sold extremely well regardless of how poorly they pulled it off.

Deee-Lite's "Groove Is In The Heart" gets the full "we fucking hate Deee-Lite" treatment, although it sounds like they stole the real intro and used it. It's also not technically a rap song, so I don't know what it's doing on here.

This CD says it was copyrighted in 1987, but how can you copyright something that didn't exist at the time? All these songs are from 1989 and later, so I think 'Countdown Music' likes to make up copyrights just for fun.

Listen to U Can't Touch This
Listen to Pray
Listen to Groove Is In The Heart


Hip Hop Tribute To AC/DC



Now just look at that title. Does that sound like a good idea? Who's the fucking dipshit who came up with this plan? (Answer: Brian Bart). Who's the fucking dipshit who managed to release it? (Answer: www.tributesounds.com --- no longer in existence --- gee, I wonder why?) I love the anti-piracy warning on the back of the CD. Yeah, like I'm gonna pay attention to that. Tributesounds.com sure as hell didn't. Also, these aren't mash-ups, so the album cover is a lying bastard.

The songs all start off okay, and then the proverbial toilet flushes, gets clogged, and you quickly find your bathroom all covered in shit and streaked-up toilet paper wads. Everything about this album is wrong. Some of these guys sound like Bob Marley wannabes. Pee Wee Dread is one of the rappers on here, and probably whacks off to these recordings nightly in his playhouse since it WAS the highlight of his career.

Who originally bought this CD? That's the question that gets me every time. Are people really this stupid? It HAD to come new from SOMEWHERE, and somebody DID pay full price for it.

Prepare to cry yourself into a puddle:

Listen to You Shook Me All Night Long
Listen to For Those About To Rock (We Salute You)
Listen to Thunderstruck

If you want a copy of this piece of shit, you can get a used one off Amazon for a couple of bucks. Don't buy a new copy, because it's currently priced at $69.98. I'd love to meet the guy who pays that much PLUS SHIPPING for this turd.

And I'm done for this round! I'll bet you guys had no clue I knew so much about rap music. The reason why is because I'm just a regular gangsta trying to bust some dope blog entries down in da hood. Until next time, word to granny's panties.

Bad Foreign Singers 2015

You guys must be feeling lucky! Three posts in one week! Where's my fan mail???

Every time I see something interesting, bizarre, or just plain terrible while channel surfing on the dish, I feel destined to hit the record button. One thing I've learned while watching foreign television is that everybody who doesn't sing in English cannot sing. Also, everybody who's Asian sings karaoke during every minute they're awake, whether they're selling herbal supplements or selling a karaoke machine. THEY HAVE TO SING. I can only guess that mandatory singing is a by-law in their cities.

Album Review: Petite Sings (For You)

I've been looking for another (playable) copy of this album for YEARS. I owned it when I was a child. This is the fourth album I own by Uncle Bob, Archie Wood and company. The others are Doggie In The Window, Funtown, and the Christmas album. Uncle Bob and his array of puppets had a live children's TV show here in Winnipeg. I watched the tail end of the series in the early 1980s. As a child, I snapped up this album and Funtown at the neighbour's garage sale and played the shit out of them. Over the years, they eventually got pretty beat up and were slated to the garbage after they became unplayable.

As with the Funtown album, the songs sung by Petite are actually the original records played at 45 RPM with dialogue inbetween songs. Marvin Mouse has been put aside for most of this album and he's pretty pissed off about it. However, he gets to sing one song (Little White Duck by Burl Ives) just to cheer him up a bit. Also featured is the spiffy moog version of the TV theme song to open and close the album. This album revisits the song "Put Your Hand in the Hand" but has the Loretta Lynn version as opposed to the version on Funtown which I believe was the Anne Murray version.

I slowed down the recording and tried to identify the artists. It appears that Uncle Bob was pretty crazy about Lynn Anderson and Loretta Lynn this time around. Yee-haw! There were quite a few that I wasn't successful identifying and I don't think we'll ever know who did them unless I get my grubby mitts on Bob Swartz's record collection (which will likely never happen because he's been dead for 20 years).

Side A:

Archie Wood & Friends Theme
The Safety Song - Archie Wood & Friends
Rose Garden - Lynn Anderson
Paper Tiger - Sue Thompson
Fun In Fall - unknown
There's A Kind Of Hush - unknown

Side B:

Snowbird - Lynn Anderson
These Boots Are Made For Walkin' - unknown
Put Your Hand In The Hand - Loretta Lynn
Little White Duck - Burl Ives
Me & Bobby McGee - Loretta Lynn

Listen to Snowbird
Listen to Teacher's Pet

The interesting thing about this album is it was put out by Pickwick whom we all know was another shit label for shit artists. Well, I guess I can thank them for some pretty good childhood memories in this case. There's absolutely no indication what year this album came out, but I'm guessing it was somewhere around 1980.

As far as I know, the only Uncle Bob / Archie Wood album I'm missing is "FUNTOWN: Favourite 20 Selections" which was released on K-Tel records. I've never seen it in person. WFMU posted Archie Wood's rendition of "Snowbird" here and Tammy True's version of "All My Loving" here.

And just because I'm on a Winnipeg nostalgia kick, here's a flashback from Bundy's Late Night review with an ad promoting a shitty Beavers movie at the Imax theater (which is now gone)



Until next time, always think safety! Here on CGE-TV!

You're a Cheap Imitation, Charlie Brown

First of all, we're going to get this entry started right. Back in 1985, the animated Peanuts special "You're A Good Man Charlie Brown" aired on television. I anticipated this Peanuts special because I loved each and every one of them. I had my tape recorder all set up to record the audio... For you see, my family did not get a VCR until 1987. My parents were extremely content to remain in the dark ages when it came to technology, so I suffered until the price of VCRs became lower than $200. Before we got our VCR, I recorded the audio onto cassettes and re-imagined the video whenever I listened to it.

So here's the cassette, straight out of 1985:



This was actually one of those cheap "3-in-a-bag" cassettes you could buy anywhere (this was most likely a Woolco or K-Mart cassette). The original label had fallen off, so I replaced it with a Radio Shack one. Radio shack used to sell packs of self-adhesive cassette labels like the one you see here.

Now, I could have been a really nice guy and pulled the audio off the clear VHS copy I have of the special, but because I'm so keen on nostalgia, I pulled it off the cassette instead so you could hear all the dropouts, tape hiss, tape rumble, and background noise in all it's glory. Now quit complaining about how awful your iPhone sounds while watching Youtube.

I've brought you the first two songs and left them glued together; "You're a Good Man Charlie Brown" and "Schroeder".

Listen to them!

We should do a history lesson on this Peanuts special... These songs were originally a series of recordings made by some Charles M Schultz wannabe in 1966. They weren't ever planned to be in a Peanuts special, they were just INSPIRED by the comic strip. Eventually, these songs mutated into a musical, and finally became the definitive TV special in 1985 with the actual animated Peanuts gang.

And then, I go to the thrift store and find pieces of shit like these...


The "Bugs" Bower Boys & Girls - You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown



This came out on the Mr. Pickwick label in 1974. If you know anything about Pickwick, then I feel sorry for you because you've likely been duped out of your money by them.

Let's see what's wrong... Well first of all, Charlie Brown has hair. Second, the record boasts that "Happiness is a Peanuts album". This is NOT a Peanuts album, therefore happiness cannot exist. Third, the label is about to fall off the center of the record. Mr. Pickwick's nickname is "Mr. I Ran Out Of Glue Because I Sniffed It All Before I Recorded These Songs". Fourth, according to the label that's about to fall off, the name of the album is "Happiness is a Peanuts Album". Fifth, the back of the album encourages you to cut out the images of the cheap imitation Peanuts gang to make a "theatre", leaving your Mr. Pickwick record homeless:



The woman singing "Schroeder" is awful. Her singing is not only annoying but also off key. Schroeder should have taken her head and repeatedly bash it against the piano keys. Now THAT would have been beautiful music!

Listen to Schroeder


Snoopy's Gang presents A Time To Remember



Most of you will never get to experience the joy of scraping a streak of dry paint off a vinyl record to make it playable. I pity you.

Since this record has a picture of Snoopy on it, it MUST be an official Peanuts release, right? It also has some Paul Simon lyrics on the cover, so this must be a Simon & Snoopy album, right? WRONG.

This record was made by the Bertrun E. Glavin Elementary School in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada, and was released in 1980. The lyrics on the cover are from "Song For The Asking" and they've been altered. Paul Simon should sue the school and use the money to buy Edie Brickell a nice steak to cover her next black eye.

Due to the fair amount of religious songs (along with the lack of "Song For The Asking"), I figured it came from a Christian school. After looking at their website, I realized it is not (or is no longer) a Christian school, but then again schools happily pushed religious agenda on students up until the late 1980s.

If you've ever attended a school "Christmas" concert, you'll know what a group of children sound like singing, and that's all this record is. Most of it is played by a competent music teacher on the piano (most likely named Andrea Hammond). However, we're interested in the ONLY Snoopy-related song on here which is "You're a Good Man Charlie Brown", that is unless you consider "De Virgin Mary" to be Snoopy-related as well.

The song "You're a Good Man Charlie Brown" is held together by the piano player. The children in the choir are all better than the losers on the Pickwick record. However the drummer is off in another city, playing in a drunken parade.

Listen to "You're a Good Man Charlie Brown"

Snoopy Gets Promoted to Sargent

I shit you not, I recorded this video off the Pentagon channel around Christmas time. According to the host, this isn't just a person in a Snoopy costume, it's REALLY REALLY Snoopy. The United States is gonna be pretty fucked if a terrorist comes through airline security in a Snoopy costume.

And those albums I just reviewed? They're not a bunch of hacks making money off the Charlie Brown & Snoopy names. They're both genuine Peanuts releases!

So here's the video of Snoopy getting promoted from Corporal to Sergeant:

And that's it for this round. I desperately need to post more videos because I'm severely backlogged not only with video tapes, but with garbage I recorded off the dish. I'm going to try to assemble some compilations of clips and toss them on Youtube. Stay tuned!

The Poets, Mere Darling, and Moon Tears (boo hoo)

You guys must really hate Summer, since I'm usually a bit too busy around this time to make entries. I never forget about this place though, because I'm constantly reminded of it while picking through the CDs, tapes and records at garage sales every weekend. All it took was finding one CD to spark the beginning of this entry, and the rest was made up of tapes that have been floating around the queue box for years.


The Poets - Rock n Roll For The Students Soul



To be fair, this isn't Rock n' Roll. It's pretty mellow acoustic stuff. However, I have to say I actually like the singer's voice.

This cassette is an interesting piece of work even without the music. First of all, it's obvious the cover was done by someone extremely talented and well-verse in Microsoft Paint.

Second, the cassette came with a postage-paid envelope and a little survey for you to fill out. It's tempting to fill out the survey, add the needed postage, and toss it into the mailbox just to see what happens.




Third, it's apparent that there are two different demo tapes (I have Tape B) as well as a full-length album. I haven't seen either yet, but perhaps mountains of Poets albums shall come raining down on me like the discographies of Arnie, Teo Mance, and Kevin Harcourt.

It's all very nicely packaged, but the only song I was really fond of was "The Ex Is Over". However, I've included the song "Cold + Alone" because there's a really weird noise that keeps showing up in it. Remember when you played Space Invaders and that space ship flew across the top of the screen for you to shoot for bonus points? That fucker keeps showing up in this song for no reason and nobody shoots him.

Listen to Cold + Alone


Mere Darling - Rarotonga Waits For Me



This cassette apparently came from New Zealand. It's nice to know that Canada isn't the only source of shitty recording artists.

A nicer name for this album would have been "Rigatoni Waits for Me", as this album is suitable to toss with the leftover Rigatoni that went mouldy in the fridge. Mere brings you tropical and reggae covers of well-known hits along with other songs with titles that I can't read or pronounce. With regards to the well-known songs, Mere decided to ruin Lulu's "To Sir With Love", The Pointer Sisters' "So Excited", Olivia Newton John's "Let Me Be There", and Celine Dion's "The Power of Love". Celine Dion is terrible to begin with, so I can't understand why somebody would want to make it worse. To Sir With Love is nearly unrecognisable, so that was my top pick for your listening displeasure.

Listen to To Sir With Love


Moon Tears - Demo Tracks / Next Tour Earth



And this is what sparked the entry. It looks like I have two albums by these guys, but the cassette (which I found years ago) is just a very chopped down version of the CD (which I found a few days ago). To be fair, I kinda like the cover on the CD. To also be fair, these guys are terrible mainly due to the awful mixing and production job which was done at "Moon Tears Studios".

The entire album sounds like it's muddled in shit sitting at the bottom of a deeply-dug outhouse. I can't understand the singer because he's so drowned in watery reverb, and the drummer sounds like it was programmed.

I chose the song "Thrity-One" which is universally terrible. Somebody had to pause the tape recorder after recording the acoustic intro because the drummer's installation of Microsoft Windows had crashed. Things fall in and out of sync consistently throughout the song. This album could be compared to Boston's "Don't Look Back" album played by a bunch of untalented twelve year olds at the bottom of a well. As for the title of the song, I don't know what "thrity" means. Is it somebody's name? Shouldn't it be "Thrity Won"? Is it a speech impediment? "That boy is thriddy-one making arse-fart ditties, and ain't got no real gum dang job!"

But Who fucking cares, the song sucks.

At the end of the song, we are treated to a huge epic "what-the-fuck-just-happened-with-production" moment from 2001: A Space Odyssey. Nevertheless, I guarantee you that I won't be recording at "Moon Tears Studio" ever in my lifetime.

Listen to Thrity-One

So here I wrap up another entry in bacon and promise you that there's always more terrible stuff coming your way. But it is summer, and that means I'm not rotting away in the dungeon looking for bad music and video to entertain the audience of the internet. My body craves a tan greater than that given by the light of my computer screen.