Monday, June 13, 2011

Junq Tour 2011: Dauphin

This is going to be a big one, so hold onto your chair...

Last time I zipped through Dauphin, I was saddened when I walked into the only Thrift Store that I knew of. It was basically an old woman's clothing closet in a dank basement. Absolutely nothing for me.

This time around, I learned that there were three others. One of them is run by an old lady who can't make up her fucking mind when she's open. Needless to say, she did not come into contact with any of my money.

But the remaining two were pretty good for finding stuff. One of them is located in the back of a store called the "Hodge Podge" and it was absolutely full of goodies! The other was directly across the street from the old lady thrift store, stealing away customers like me. Anyway, onto my first item...

Yes, this is a disposable camera with all the pictures used up. I paid a whole dollar for it. While we wait for the film to develop and see what kind of fun stuff is on it, let's look at some of the other items...

These three formerly-blank records were recorded by Bob Brown's Orchestra between 1947 and 1959 in Dauphin. We've got two Audiodiscs and one Recordio. It was a bit surreal listening to these, knowing that everyone who played on these discs is now dead, and I own the originals.

If you know nothing about these types of records, allow me to fill you in. These records were not made for mass production. They were used for one-off recordings. If you fuck up, tough luck because it's embedded into the groove, and you have to live with your mistake for the rest of your life. And no, we can't just throw out the defective record like a CD coaster. These blanks weren't cheap like CD blanks, neither is the cutting head on the record lathe!

So there's a couple of fuck-ups on these records, mainly because the record isn't long enough to hold all the content. These are from the days when EVERYBODY used 78 RPM for playback. When the cutting head gets to the end of the record, your song ends up in a locked groove, skipping on the same piece of music for all eternity (or until your stylus is ground down to nothing).

The first two records were enjoyable, but the last one sucked ass because Bob Brown's Orchestra in 1959 had dwindled down to one fiddle player while the rest of the band went off and joined this new movement called "Rock N' Roll". Nevertheless, I'm presenting all six recordings here for your enjoyment.

Arnie - Thank You For Your Friendship / Plunging In Again

I'm really starting to wonder how many tapes this Arnie guy released. I've got another one sitting in my truck that I found. Maybe he was an underground success? Nevertheless, the cover on this one is more amusing than the one I posted in this entry. He's got a coat hanger for a bow, and plays even more polka music for all to enjoy! I don't think we need to hear from Arnie again, so let's move on...

The Hosanna Folk Group

Christian music recorded by a bunch of hacks always sounds like shit. They may have God's spirit, but they don't have any fucking rhythm (nor good songwriting skills). The song "You're There When I Need You" sounds like a barfing Care Bear. It tries to be cute and happy, but it trips over the mat in the living room and spills it's drink all over the floor.

Listen to this rhythm-free crap

Dakoda Motor Co. - Welcome Race Fans

It's great when I go shopping for blog garbage and actually end up with something decent. These guys are pretty good, and they'll be put into my 'new music' rotation. It's pretty generic 90s girl-fronted rock music (poppy, full of variety), but it's catchy, enjoyable, and it's got harmonies in it. Check out the song "Alive".

Teo Mance - Inday

I'll give him credit. He can sing. I'll also give him credit for something else... He can play guitar. But if I must give Teo some advice, it would be WRITE YOUR OWN SHIT! Here's his atrocious version of The Beatles song 'Yesterday'.

Kevin Harcourt - This Baby Of Mine

Yeah, he looks exactly like Weird Al with a haircut. He even kinda sounds like Weird Al too! Instead of singing funny parodies, he sings old Country & Western songs. So, I'm going to bring you "Weird Kevin" Harcourt singing his Johnny Cash medley (with a surprise at the ending).

Reverend Billy and the Church of Stop Shopping

I picked this CD up new at the Bargain Shop for a whopping 39 cents. That certainly spells "success", doesn't it? Even the jewel case is worth more than 39 cents! And if that isn't enough, it was released on "Tomato Records". Anyway, Reverend Billy is a fucking activist who tries to discourage his listeners from shopping at the big-name companies. With hits such as "Stop Shopping" and "Remove Starbucks and Disney", you know you're in for a fun album! As much as I hate Disney, writing a gospel song about getting rid of them is completely retarded. Speaking of retarded, the track listing on the back of the CD is totally inaccurate, so I never quite know what the hell I'm listening to. It really doesn't matter anyway, because I'd rather listen to a lawnmower running over a George Foreman Grill than this garbage. I fucking hate the George Foreman grill. Worst appliance I've ever had to clean.

I suppose I should subject you to this crap to let you know what I mean. Here's the anthem called "Stop Shopping". I'd watch the included DVD, but I don't wanna.

Theme from First National Bank of Weslaco

I have no friggin' clue what the purpose of this record is, but it's amusing to say the least. Three bears (one named after nose snot) singing about a bank. This particular bank seems to be located in Texas. How the hell this record made it to a little shitty town like Dauphin is anyone's guess. Enjoy bopping to this piece of crud.

The Walter & Hays Band - Mormon Rap

Uhhh... Just listen to it. I can't think of anything to say that will make this more funny.

Ozark Vern

This is fucking terrible. He'd be better off sticking that saxophone up his ass and farting through it instead singing on this tape. He's like a really shitty Bob Dylan, but instead of writing great songs, he ruins other people's songs by singing to a $10 Casio keyboard and occasionally blowing his horn. Let's listen to him botch the Oak Ridge Boys song "Elvira".

And now, we.... OOOHHH! The pictures are done being developed! Let's see what we got...

Oh hooray, pictures of a retarded boy. There were also a lot of pictures of scenery which I did NOT include. I got bored, so I drew all over one of them. As talented as I may be, I am NOT very good at drawing...

This was the most costly item from this whole blog. The last time I got a film developed, it cost me four bucks. This pile of shit cost me TEN. Perhaps I'll look into developing the negatives only and see if that's cheaper. If not, maybe I'll learn how to develop my own film in coffee and baking soda.

Now that I'm finally at the end of this entry, I'd like to add that I wouldn't mind having a second person to write for this blog. I've got a huge backlog of stuff that I've picked up, waiting to be written about. If you're somewhat technically savvy, funny, and live in Winnipeg, then you should shoot me an email! If not, then email me the entire contents of your journal from when you were a teenager. My readers would like to see more of that stuff.


Anonymous said...

My name is Michael Hansen.
I am an Inactive Mormon.
I remember the Mormon Rap.
Cant wait to tell my friends...

I will try to make my own blogspot later.

Anonymous said...

here is more about the MORMON RAP

Anonymous said...

I am having problems with the "Please prove you're not a robot" but i was the one who left the comment


Eva said...

Thank you for this! I grew up listening to “Tupper Tunes!” I know they are horribly cheesy but you can’t find the songs anywhere! At least these versions! I’m so grateful for the download to share with my kids!

Anonymous said...

michael hansen here
a friend of mine in 1980 said his father had a similar promotional record for where he works....with "grizley bears"

wish i could remember it...all i can remember is "grizley...and got away"
with applause at the end and some growling noise (this is in san jose california)

that "Theme from First National Bank of Weslaco" reminded me of it