Three Strange Albums

Before we get into this blog entry, let's play a little guessing game.

Question #1: Which one of the following songs is off a Children's album?

I'm Fat
My Friend Is A Cow
Let's Get Fat


Question #2: Same question, different list..

My Pencil's Trying To Kill Me
Baby In A Body Bag
Undersized Overpants


The answers will be given at the end of this blog entry.

Anyway, here's three very strange looking albums I've purchased over the last few months. Since I've had a bit of time on my hands, all three of these albums are available for download! (Don't expect this to be a regular thing, I just happened to have the time to do it.)

Trouser Mouth - Steel Urinal! Pass The Puck!

I bought this album still sealed from a thrift store. After reading the song titles (Nut Sac Out, Touch Yer Bum) I thought it was going to be one of the shittiest albums I've ever heard. Surprisingly, it's quite the opposite. These are fantastic (and short) punk rock songs. The band is tight and the songs are catchy as hell! If you like Punk Rock, you'll enjoy the shit out of this album.

Listen to "Green Drip"

Download link removed by request of the band, but you can get their albums by visiting their website.


Bob King & Friends - The Giant Hot Dog That Ate Regina

Personally, I would've been more impressed if the album was called "The Vagina That Ate A Giant Hot Dog". But if it were called that, I suppose parents would be up in arms over the title since this is a children's album. Not only that, it's a shitty children's album.

I think there's two or three songs on here about eating moldy food, and the rest is just "positive lyrical content for our younger generation" which we all know does NOT make for an interesting and fun album. Take for example the song "Rock & Roll Teachers". Sounds like something off a crappy Meat Loaf album. Don't believe me? Click here and listen to the damn thing. Kids would rather hear songs about their teachers having their pants fall down or having homework. NOBODY wants to hear about their teachers Rockin' and Rollin'. NOT COOL.

Sorry, but I made this available for download too :(


Mr. Plow - It's Plow Or Never

This unoriginal bastard stole his name from a Simpsons episode. The songs all sound like they were written by an immature 16 year old boy, although I think "Bukkake Night In Canada" would make a fine National Anthem. I'll give Mr. Plow credit though, the album definitely held my attention with songs such as "I Like Your Tits" and "Golden Shower Girl". I anticipated finding out what stupid lyrics he could come up with on the next song.

Listen to the ever-so-fun song "Donkey"

Download the album and feel 16 years old again.

And now, the answers to the quiz from earlier. The songs from the children's album "The Giant Hotdog That Ate Regina" are highlighted:

I'm Fat
*My Friend Is A Cow*
Let's Get Fat

*My Pencil's Trying To Kill Me*
Baby In A Body Bag
Undersized Overpants

Yup, that album is pretty fucking sad.

The Canned Peaches Computerized Catalog

When I was a teenager, there were two things that were most important in my life. The first was my novelty mashup project called "Canned Peaches". I would take an existing song, mix things into it (movie clips, sound effects) or even remix the whole song, and put collections of these songs into albums. Quite the task when you consider that there were no computers powerful enough back then to make the job easier. But, it was a fun hobby to keep me occupied during my sheltered teen years. I will be putting these recordings up sometime in the future.

The other thing that kept me entertained was programming in BASIC on my Commodore 64. I wrote lots of software; some useful, some stupid, and some that was highly amusing. I ended up using my "Canned Peaches" brand on the software I wrote (at least from 1992 on). I'm going to feature some screenshots of one particular program.

This is probably my most favorite creation out of all the software I wrote on the Commodore, called "The Canned Peaches Computerized Catalog." It's supposed to be a digital catalog, featuring some of my 'albums' and a bunch of fake products purely for the sake of making something funny.

The inspiration for this was a piece of software a friend of mine had written (also on the C-64) called "The C-64 Buyer's Ad". It was also funny, and included a couple of (what we now know as) easter eggs. As a result, I loaded my creation with many easter eggs.

The year 1995 was probably the most creative year in my life, and I still to this day bust out in laughter when I run this piece of software and read the crazy shit I wrote back then. The Canned Peaches Computerized Catalog will be celebrating its 16th birthday tomorrow on May 3.

The first menu:



Yeah, three items is a lot to choose from! For this blog entry, I'm going to choose section 3: the special items. Here's what you can buy:



I posted screenshots of every item. I hope you enjoy reading the text, looking at the crude graphics, and get a kick out of the humor I put into this goofy little program.



















This blog entry really does not do the software justice. If you have the inclination, you can download it and run it in a Commodore 64 emulator (available here) to get the full experience. There's much more to it; the easter eggs, the interactive menus, the sound, the animation, and the overall experience.

For those who have never used a Commodore before, all you have to do is unzip the file, run the emulator, attach the disk image, and type: LOAD"*",8

Then, type "RUN" after it loads (*screenshot*)

Download the Canned Peaches Computerized Catalog!

I should really count myself lucky. I damn near lost all my home-made C-64 software in my parents' house fire. I spent days cleaning the smoke, water, and mold off the floppies just so I could transfer them onto the PC. A *very* small section of the Computerized Catalog disk was damaged, but I was able to restore the damaged part of the program. Unfortunately, I don't have a picture of what the original disk looked like.

I'll eventually put more of my software on here for you to laugh at. Lord knows I still laugh at it!

Book: Porn For Women

Before I start off with this blog entry, I'm going to show you something...



Yep, that's my truck's engine. Some little fucking rodent decided that THIS was the perfect place to build a nest for having babies. Not only did they pack a shitload of dried grass in there, they also deemed some of the wiring unnecessary and chewed them apart to make room for the impending family.

It took me three hours to clear all the grass out and fix the wiring. I bought myself a new BB gun this past winter, and I've been dying to try it out. I'm going to take a day and sit in my back yard shooting the many rodents that pass through. Hopefully I'll get the one who made this mess.

Anyway, on to what I'm REALLY here to tell you about. I'm about to show you the most disgusting book I've ever laid my eyes upon. All the male readers of this blog may need intense therapy after seeing this sick piece of literature which needs to be banned from this world.

And so, I bring you this...





Now, when I think of the term "Hunkier", I don't think of a more attractive male. Instead, I think of a more Ukrainian Ukrainian. If this book were about extremely Ukrainian Ukrainians, I wouldn't be complaining. But instead, we get a bunch of faggy sissy boys who have overdosed on estrogen and have cut off their penises.

Now, I could completely understand this book if the men were displaying more elements of testosterone, but they sadly remind me of 1950s women. Let's take a look at a few pages, shall we?


FAG.


Don't cry, ya WIMP.


Well, then go fuck a porcelain doll


Why don't you use them, ya pussy?


I'll bet they ripped your balls off when you got them waxed.


This should read "I'd rather fuck a beached whale, so load up ya skinny bitch"

Anyway, I'm sure you get the picture. These are just women with facial hair. They really don't have penises nor testosterone. This is on the same level as a Martha Stewart book, and even SHE has more testosterone than these douchebags.

This book probably ruined the lives of the guys who posed in them. Imagine if one of their best buddies got ahold of this book and showed it to everyone, including posting it on facebook? The dumbass who posed in the book would kill himself. There's absolutely NO going back from doing something as embarrasing as this. SHAME on the Cambridge Women's Pornography Cooperative for releasing this awful book.

Also available: Porn for New Moms. I may use that one to bait the nest-building rodent.

Junq Tour 2011: Gimli

Ah yes! The Junq Tour is back in full swing! Well, not really since I'm scheduled to visit some really shitty locations this spring. The Thrift Store in Dauphin is a woman's clothing closet in a stinky basement, and I'm liable to get killed if I enter a Thrift Store in Norway House (assuming any exist out there). So enjoy this post for what it contains. It may be the only Junq Tour post until the fall.

While in Gimli, I was able to purchase one LP and three "interesting" CDs, and you all know what I'm talking about when I say "interesting", right? Yeah... Well, there's something VERY special about each of the CDs. Every one of these artists has some sort of disorder. Mind you, most of the albums I post are by artists with one disorder in common - they can't sing.

Anyway, let's meet our special artists, shall we?


The Projection Company - Give Me Some Lovin'

I really wasn't sure what to expect when I bought this album. It's got a psychedelic chick on the front cover and contains songs such as "Our Man Hendrix" and "Uh, Uh, Uh." I thought it may be the usual bunch of shitty studio musicians doing bad covers, but it's not that at all. It's an actual band from the 1960s who seemed to do a one-off shot on the "Custom" label and recorded their own psychedelic album. The vocalist only sings for about half the album, and sits there smoking a bong and tripping out for the other half.

This album is apparently from 1967, and it's actually pretty decent. Here's their cover of "Gimme Some Lovin'" entitled, "Give Me Some Lovin'"

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN!


Raymond Allan Kuran - Spirits Lost + Found

Here's a riddle... What is the first thing you should do when you finally beat drugs & alcohol and become sober? Record an album! At least, that's what this guy seems to have done.

The cover picture didn't seem to turn out right, and the CD is autographed by Raymond and his entire extended family. Why????

Honestly, this CD isn't really all that bad. It borders on the line of country and rock music, mainly because Ray doesn't sing with a wad of toffee in his mouth, and he's a half-decent songwriter. Feel free to listen to the song "One Night Stands".


Courtney Smith - Perfect in His Eyes

Courtney was born with Retinopathy and is pretty much blind. She was also born tone-deaf. So, here's another riddle... What is the best thing to do when you're born with two disabilities? Record an album!

From the crappy original "Dynamite" to the crappy cover of "Walkin' After Midnight", Courtney belts out pain through your speakers. It's really not her fault she can't sing. I mean, listen to my compilation album I recorded when I was Courtney's age. Well, at least I can laugh at those. Let's hope Courtney can listen to this coaster when she's my age and laugh her ass off too.

While we wait for Courtney to grow up, Here's a couple of tracks off this thing. I'm replacing Tonia & Donna's crummy version of "The Rose" in my Jukebox with Courtney's painful version. Also, I'm putting up "Suds In The Bucket" for you to "enjoy". I hear this song butchered all the time at the karaoke bar, so this is nothing new.

The Rose
Suds In The Bucket


Colby Nargang - If I Can Dream

Yet another riddle for you... What should you do if you think your greatest talent is imitating Elvis Presley and Roy Orbison? Record an album!!!

According to Colby's website, he was born with Williams Syndrome. He also recorded this piece of crap in Branson, Missouri - the same place that the Singing Sexegenarians recorded their hit tape! Personally, I think that Colby sings more like Kermit The Frog with a stuffy nose, driving down Highway #2 in a car with no shocks.

The album cover shows Colby demonstrating his two personalities: Colby with sunglasses, and Colby without sunglasses. But now I'll shut up and let you hear Colby do what he does best. Here he is, performing his famous Elvis Presley medley. Also, if you dare, check out how well he does my favorite Roy Orbison song entitled "Let Me Be There".

Heartbreak Medley
Let Me Be There

And that's it for this edition of the Junq Tour. Hopefully I'll get another trip through Ashern or Neepawa where the pickings are far from slim.

Bastard Mickey's Magical Junk Shop

So I finally went ahead and built a webshop. Actually, I've been building it for the past 8 years or so. Finally, I feel that I have enough readers to actually warrant posting a link to it. I don't make much money from this stuff, but I like creating it! I figured if I'm going to put any kind of ads on my blog, they should be my own ads!

Bastard Mickey has generously volunteered to be my official mascot. Actually, he didn't volunteer, I forced him to do it by threatening to mail him to Disneyland, so they can dissect and analyze him to see who actually manufactured him (because it sure as hell wasn't Disney!)

Anyway, let's showcase some of my products, shall we? Take a look at this quality shit!!!


The "Push My Button" button!


The Henrietta Ugly Mug!


Postcards from Mars!


A bumper sticker with shameful promotion on it!

There's more junk, but you'll have to go look at it yourself. You can either slam your mouse pointer on Bastard Mickey in the sidebar, or you can simply click on this link:

http://www.cafepress.com/classicalgasemissions

Remember, Christmas is just around the corner! Better buy some of this stuff before it's too late!

Or don't buy anything and hurt Bastard Mickey's feelings.