Do you like the Halloween decoration I bought? It cost me a dollar and was probably made by someone who doesn't speak or write English. I'm sure he received 50 lashings with the shitty wire that joins these two pieces together.
So I decided to do a Halloween entry this year. It takes a while to collect things to do a Halloween entry because there really isn't a lot of unique Halloween material out there. A lot of it gets re-recycled from decades ago. Ever get a pair of underwear from a friend that belonged to another friend of his? That's pretty much what Halloween albums are like. They're old, they stink, and they have brown shit streaks on them.
Sounds of Horror
This 2 CD set from Sonoma Entertainment contain audio that was likely purchased elsewhere. That's why they can sell these albums for three bucks brand new. They pay a low price for the audio and make a million copies. The first disc on this CD set has some extremely ancient sound effects that were originally released back in the days of vinyl. These noises are so old that they belong in the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame. Hey, if they can induct rap music into the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame, why not sound effects? Anyway, this is just a single track of sounds that people usually play out their window while kids are trick or treating.
Disc 2 contains individual tracks. Why aren't they strung into one long track? Does someone sit and listen to this and say, "Oh, I really don't like "Entering The Crypt", I'd rather hear "Haunted Woods". I don't understand the purpose of splitting this shit up.
Spooky Sounds
Guess what? I got ripped off when I bought this one because it's the same as the first disc of "Sounds of Horror". That's how they make money. They scam you into thinking that you're buying a different collection of noises, but it the same shit, different package. Thanks, Sonoma Entertainment, and go fuck yourself.
Martha Stewart Living - Spooky Scary Sounds for Halloween
I was hoping this was just an audio track of Martha Stewart cooking up some liver and onions or some shit, but it's one track of sound effects. The good news about this one is it's on the Rhino record label which means you're getting some good quality noises on this one. The down side is this is the shortest one of the bunch. Also, I haven't a fucking clue what Martha Stewart has to do with it. Perhaps someone recorded audio of her taking a slimy shit and it's buried in the mix somewhere. At least there's a recipe for Caramel Apples in the liner notes.
60 Min Horror Sound Effects
I seem to recall seeing this one in the dollar store. From memory, I think it came in a bubble pack with a cardboard backing. I think I got this as a freebie in a batch of other CDs that nobody wanted. It's another one-track-wonder, but it has a guest appearance by James Brown. I'm not kidding! They used his scream from the beginning of "I Feel Good" as a horror sound!
Listen to James Brown
The horror factor here is they potentially dug up his grave and got him to record his famous scream just for this release.
So, what can you do with all these sound effect albums? You can mix them all together to make the ultimate Halloween scary sounds track! Two of them have heartbeats as background noise, so it eventually just melts into a low rumble that sounds identical to a cheap, blank low noise 60 minute cassette that you used to be able to buy in a 3-Pak at Zellers. When you put it all together, it sounds like a Halloween warzone.
Listen to the super, ultimate halloween sounds collection!
The Countdown Singers and Orchestra - Monster Mash and Other Terrifying Tunes
When the hell did The Countdown Singers get an orchestra? This should have been front page news! The reality is they didn't have enough shitty cover songs to fill a CD, so they used some classical music pieces from some of their other releases to fatten up the length of this crappy album.
I've covered this version of Monster Mash in this entry. Remember the one where they stole the original intro off a really scratchy LP, filtered the hell out of the scratches, and then spliced in their poopy version? That copy of it came from a Drew's Lamous album, so either Drew got it from the same place Sonoma Entertainment did, or Sonoma is just Drew's Lamous under another company name. Who cares, it's all the same trash.
Ghostbusters is always a treat. There are so many knock-off versions out there that you never know which one you're going to get. This one was recorded in someone's basement. It's really bad.
I can't figure out what the lyrics in this version of "Love Potion Number 9" are supposed to be. The best I can make out is him singing "I told her that I wasn't fucked with chicks". Don't believe me? Listen to it yourself.
The classical music pieces aren't really that scary and sound out of place. We have the Twilight Zone movie theme which sounds nothing like the theme from the TV show. We also have Psycho: Suite for Strings, and Batman/Robin Hood. Yeah, because nothing scares the shit out of me more than a guy in green tights. I really can't help but wonder who the dipshit was who put this compilation together. Instead of using the classical music pieces, they should have just thrown in Bridge Over Troubled Water, The Rose, Grandpa, and Blue Eyes Crying In The Rain. You can tell I've been writing this blog for way too long.
Listen to Ghostbusters
Listen to Love Potion Number 9
We now return you to your regularly scheduled Junq Tour
No comments:
Post a Comment